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I Am Hurt So Deeply And I Can't Let Go

by Kirstie

Well....I fell in love with this man. This man that loved me back. Loved me back with so much passion and force that it's the first time I had ever felt this way. And I was 36.

He would send me songs that made him think of me. He would text me at random times of the day to see what I was doing and thinking. Being with him was like nothing I had ever felt before.
I told him I loved him. He told me he loved me.

Then he went cold. Wouldn't return my calls. Wouldn't return my texts. Wouldn't see me again. I was beyond devastated. I already had two children and was pregnant to him with my third. He wouldn't even give me the chance to tell him about it.

I made a stupid choice. A decision I will always regret. I terminated the pregnancy. I just couldn't do it on my own.

To this day, I still do not know why he won't talk to me, what I did wrong. It has been a year since I last saw him yet it feels like yesterday. I want to hurt him the way he has hurt me. But really I am just desperate to be with him again and any attention is what I'm after from him.

It was his birthday recently, I sent him something that took time and thought - nothing from him. Not even a thanks.

How can someone who loves you turn their back so coldly? I feel empty, lost, incomplete. I feel that I just go about life rather than living it. I daydream of him and what our lives could have been. I dream of him at night. But I don't want to . I don't want to think of him anymore. I want to move on but he is just always there in the corners of my mind.

Why can't I just let him go? Why can't I move on to find someone that will not treat me this way?
I will always love him. That much I have come to accept. Even though he has hurt me deeply, I know that he must have good reason.

I just want to know how to move on so that I can be truly happy again.

Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello Kirstie, and thanks for telling your story here. What you’re going through is extremely hard. I can only imagine the pain you must be experiencing. The loss of your relationship, and the pain of having terminated your pregnancy may seem insurmountable, but you can work through this.

While there are no easy answers for you, one thing is for sure. You have put this man’s value above your own, and that cannot continue if you are to feel worthwhile and good again. I will do my best to help you let go.

You are worthy of love and goodness in your life. I’m sure your inner turmoil makes it hard for you to accept that right now, but it’s true.

I strongly recommend that you read this page on letting go of a relationship in five steps. These steps might seem simple, but if you really take them seriously, you will find significant benefit.

It’s also very important that you grieve the loss of your child. Take a look at the stages of grief, and use all of the techniques described there. I know your grief over your terminated pregnancy is unique, but you can still do most of these steps. It is especially important that you consider naming the child and having a memorial service for her/him, even if you’re the only participant. All of this is for the purpose of processing your emotions, and for healing.

I encourage you to get some counseling, Kirstie. This is a complex grief process, and I think you’re probably going to need some help. That’s up to you, of course, but do not hesitate to reach out for help. You are worth it.

I really hope this helps you. Please know that you’re not alone in this. Many others have found themselves lost in these types of feelings, unable to let go, caught in turmoil. Keep asking for help, follow what I’ve recommended, and do not stop until you feel that you have made a shift that will allow you to focus on yourself and your children. They need a healthy mother, so taking care of yourself is the best thing you can do for them.

No man is worthy of your self sacrifice.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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Oct 22, 2013
Be strong!
by: ForestNana

I so appreciate the Dr.'s advise. He's haven't had time to grieve the loss of your relationship with the guy, much less the loss (and guilt) of your baby. But Kristie, you have two children who are depending on you! By all means...PLEASE get some counceling.

You may never know why the guy suddenly dumped you. There's a possibility that there were signs that you missed along the way in your relationship. But that said; you have been clinging to someone who obviously isn't worth clinging to. YOU are worth more than that! DO NOT contact him again. The more you appear needy the more damage you do to yourself and pushes ANY guy further and further away. (He's gone anyway just by his absence).

I might suggest you find a support group for women who have gone through abortions (there are some good church groups out there!)Deal with YOUR personal healing and being the best mom to your children right now. If you are financially able, treat yourself to a spa day and maybe a new haircut. Love yourself!

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