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I Am Angry At My Mother And I Don't Know What To Do

by Seattle
(Orefield PA)

I have a problem & I'm 16 years old. It started back when I was a young child.

My mom did drugs and dragged me around in that environment for a long time from the age of 1-5. I've seen things a little girl shouldn't have seen & heard things I shouldn't have heard, the visuals are still in my head to this day!

But my mom found a new way of life. She found Narcotics Anonymous and she's 11 years clean now and I couldn't be any more happy for her.

My mom doesn't know who my dad is or at least that's what she tells me. She says, "I was high while it happened." I think it's bullshit. When I was age of 7, my mom met a girl named Adrianne (my mom's gay). Adrianne had 2 boys, one a year older than me the other like 5 years older than me.

From 7-9, they both molested me and I let it go on, until one day I couldn't hold it back any longer. I told my mom what happened and they split. The end result to that was me locking myself in my room and telling myself it was my fault for all of this to happen.

My mom stuck me into therapy for a long time to help me, but in reality it didn't do anything. If anything it made things worse.

She met her next girlfriend when I think I was like 11. I was the sweetest little girl you could imagine. I didn't have an attitude, didn't get loud, until I hit the age 12-13.

I started acting out because my mom always put her girlfriend first & always showed her love and attention and left me out of the picture and that's when things just hit the fan.

I started acting out in school, made a very bad reputation for myself and started disrespecting my mom. It's almost like I have a disease, but I don't know what you would call it. I don't want to yell at my mom or my peers but once they get me mad it's like my mouth takes over and says anything that comes to mind.

At first the consequences were getting hit and grounded, but now since I'm older the consequences are getting my phone taken away and it sucks. It's to the point where I tell my mom no when she asks me to leave my phone on the table. I seriously have a problem.

Other than that I am a good kid in school. I have good grades. I'm in the 11th grade, and in the 9th grade I stopped getting in trouble. I started to watch what I said to the teachers and students, but once I get home all that at school flies out the window.

It makes me feel guilty because my friends and family tell me I shouldn't treat my mom the way I do and honestly I don't want to. So behind my story I guess I'm asking you for help & what to do. I just want to be happy and stop arguing with my mom because honestly it does no good for me.

I'm stressed out and it takes a lot from me. Also my mom thinks she has an idea of who my dad is but the person she spoke with said that he has been in the crack house for 3 months straight now. My mom can't go there because that was her addiction.

What would you do in a situation like that, and how would you suggest to do the DNA testing? Thank you so much I truly appreciate it.

Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello Seattle, and thanks for telling your story here. I just want you to know that I'm very impressed with you, as the young person that wrote this story, and the young person who lived through what you lived through. You are an amazing girl, to be doing as well as you are, considering all you've been through.

There are several things I'd like to offer you here, and here they are:

1) I want you to know that there is no doubt in my mind that the molestation by those two boys was not your fault. They were older, and there were two of them. And you were starved for attention at that point, being without a father and neglected by your mother. None of that is your fault. Those boys took advantage of your age, your good nature, and your need for affection. I've got a page on this site I want you to take a look at. There are some exercises here that will help you to heal emotionally from the abuse and neglect you've been through. Here's the page: Healing from child abuse.

2) Next Seattle, I want to address your anger at your mother. Of course you are angry at her. You have every reason in the world to be angry at her. She failed to protect you from the molestation, and she neglected (and probably still does neglect) your needs as her child. I'm sure you love her, and I'm sure she has her good qualities, but you need to be honest with yourself about her responsibility for what happened to you. That's why you're angry--deep inside you know it was her job to protect and provide, and while she has cared for you in some ways, there are many ways in which she failed you. This is not about blame, it's about responsibility--she's responsible for what happened to you, and you're not. You were a child and she was an adult with freedom and power to make choices that would keep you safe and well cared for.

I know you want to learn to control your anger, and that's good. You're smart enough to know that it's hurting you. I think if you follow all of the guidelines on this FAQ page, you will be able to manage your anger much better. (Some of those exercises are the same as the ones recommended above, by the way).

3) The third point I want to make with you is regarding your father. I know you would like to meet him and to know him. That makes perfect sense, and anybody in your situation would feel that way. I strongly encourage you to do some emotional healing work on yourself first though, Seattle. Then, when you're feeling more positive about yourself, I hope you will reconsider seeing him. It sounds like your father may be a drug addict, and if that's the case then seeing him will only lead you to more pain and disappointment. While active in their addiction, addicts only want one thing, and that is to get high on their substance of choice. You will not be able to rely on him or have any kind of meaningful connection with him while he's active in his addiction. You've been hurt, betrayed and let down enough in your life, Seattle. Try to protect yourself.

You are a survivor. You're smart and you're strong and you have a good heart. I think you're going to do well in your life.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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