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How To Deal With Impulsive Reaction Of A Husband

by Bella

My husband and I have been married for 4 years and have a 3 year old boy. We are both sensitive beings. I myself have a corrupted image of myself and obviously a lot of our arguments are because I always feel I am not good enough.

To others I may look professional, successful, and happy, but deep inside I do not think I love myself. At least not enough. I know that and I struggle every day to not feel this way.

I can describe my husband as someone who always sees himself as a victim. He feels like he is never heard. He gets angry very quickly and has impulsive reactions. He is very jealous towards everyone and specially me. He has OCD and came from a family where his mother and sister were extremely bossy and his opinion was never heard or mattered, however he is emotionally dependent on them.

He loves a military style of child development, very disciplined. I fear that will make our son align with my husband's views. We can go from being loving to hating, and stop talking for a day or two in a matter of seconds.

His impulsive reactions really bother me and make me feel unsafe. For example tonight, he was putting our son to bed while I was ironing. My son asked for me to sing to him once he was in bed.

My husband said that he has done the hard work of doing my son's night routine and I should not be the one to sing to him. My son persisted, so I went in. My husband got upset and stormed out.

As he is walking out I started saying: You are not good to this family if ... and he came back and screamed I am not good for this family. Do you know how hurtful this is? And he did not let me finish the sentence. I was trying to say you acting so jealous for something as simple as a mother saying goodnight to her son, can ruin our relationship and damage the boy.

But he never listened for me to finish. I calmly put my son to sleep and came out. I went to our room and I said what I meant wasn't you are no good to us and again he cut me off and he has never used f word before and he said F--- off. I was so shocked to hear this, and a bit scared to be honest.

Another time, I put my son to bed and was in the bathroom before heading downstairs for dinner that his mom made. He stormed in and accused me of wasting everyone's time. I just gave him a look that he did not like. When I tried to leave the bathroom without getting into confrontation with him, he blocked me and I bumped into him. He yelled that he is tired of me.

That time I was scared too. Are these issues a big deal? I started feeling it is. Should I be scared for my son's safety? What can I do to alleviate the problem? Or are we doomed?

Sometimes I think about when my son is 18 and in college I will leave my husband as I make good money and can support myself, but sometimes I feel like that may need to happen sooner.

Have you seen situations like mine escalate to divorce? He is not willing to see anyone for his anger and I feel so helpless in getting any help for him. I am sad. This is the one big issue I see, that if it wasn't there I would have liked to be with him.

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Mar 28, 2018
Answers For You To Consider
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hi Bella, and thanks for telling your story here. I will answer your questions as best I can.

1) Are these issues a big deal?

Yes, these issues are a big deal. There is emotional damage going on, with these types of angry outbursts.

2) Should I be scared for my son's safety?

Your son is being hurt any time he is exposed to angry exchanges between you and your husband. The two of you are his world, and when he sees or hears you in conflict, it threatens his safety, and can even affect his self esteem.

3) What can I do to alleviate the problem? Or are we doomed?

You mentioned that you do not love yourself. You could start there. In a marriage, both partners are a part of any problem that exists. I'm not saying that your husband's anger is in any way your fault, be clear about that. I'm saying that you are a powerful adult, and you may be doing things to add to the problems, without realizing it. I would not say that you are doomed. If both of you are willing to make an effort, there is a possibility that you could create a safe, healthy relationship together.

4) Have you seen situations like mine escalate to divorce?

Yes. If things don't start getting better, they will inevitably get worse. At some point, one person will have had enough, and file for divorce. That doesn't mean that you have to accept that outcome. I think there may still be a chance for your marriage.

Perhaps you and your husband might be willing to take a look at the roles you play in your marriage, and what your expectations are.

The best chance your marriage has is if both of you work on it. But you can possibly help a lot just by working on yourself and your part.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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