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Held Hostage In My Own Home

by Sodie
(USA)


Thank you for this forum.

I have many of the same issues with problem adult children I see on this forum and I too am at a loss for what to do.

My forty seven year old son moved in with me four years ago after losing his job. He has no plans to move out or look for another job, as he says he tried for a year and was always rejected. He believes he is un-employable.

He hates living at home, hates having to deal with his brother coming over with his family, and is almost always in a bad mood. He is often argumentative and verbally abusive to me.

He grabbed my arm, twisting me around to be able to scream NO into my ear recently. This came about because I had asked him politely if he was going to take out the garbage. He has four or five chores we have agreed upon, that are his responsibility, and taking out the garbage is one.

He threatens to commit suicide whenever he becomes enraged and says he will commit suicide if I force him to leave. There is no way he will leave on his own, I would have to call the police to evict him, if they do that.

He was diagnosed with ADHD as a child. He has few skills as did not do well in school and further vocational studies did not get him anywhere. I would say he is ADD now as he is certainly not hyper active.

He will not see a therapist. Unfortunately in my area there are no family support groups where at least I could go. To his credit he doesn't use, smoke or drink so at least I don't have those issues to contend with.

I am a widow so there is just the two of us in the home. In the back of my mind is always the worry he will become violent in one of his outbursts, to me, to himself or possibly to my grandchildren who visit about once a week.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

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May 30, 2018
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Some Suggestions For You
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hi Sodie, and thanks for telling your story here. Yours is a fairly familiar story, and you would do well to read my response to other parents' submissions here.

Also, you're going to need some tough love to take the next steps. It is just not right for you to continue to allow your son to abuse, threaten and intimidate you in your home.

I realize this is hard, Sodie. With him threatening suicide, you have to face the possibility that he will end his life in retaliation if you have him evicted by the police. However...you're already facing that threat with him in your home.

Know this...if he chooses to commit suicide, it's totally his choice, and you are not the cause. Threatening suicide as a way of manipulating someone is one of the most disturbed and abusive acts that anyone could take, and it's all about him, not you.

I encourage you to call a police officer, or better yet go to the local police department and ask to speak to someone who can answer your questions. Tell them exactly what is going on, and ask for their recommendations, and what your legal rights are.

Since your son is an adult (and I'm assuming he's not paying rent, if he won't even take out the trash), I think they will evict him for you.

I'm sure you will do the right thing for yourself, Sodie. No one can tell you what to do or not to do in this situation...you have to be the one to make the decision.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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