From Adoring To Bully Mom
I had a child with someone who I think may be the wrong man for me. Got pregnant after 3 months seeing each other. We muddled through and I was anxious in the relationship but when I met my baby I fell head over heels with the baby boy, and can say I was a super mother.
The relationship was abusive and I eventually ended it. I continued to be an excellent and loving mother. We eventually reconciled and have since had another baby. The relationship and abusive behaviors certainly improved but are not entirely gone.
I felt ambivalent about the second baby if I am honest. Felt no major excitement through pregnancy, and breastfed through pregnancy. This is when the negative feeling towards my first born started. I had major aversion but continued to feed him as I wanted to meet his needs.
Ever since his brother was born my feeling towards my son have changed. I experienced a kind of primal maternal rage almost, in the first few weeks....he wouldn’t allow me to connect with and nurture my new baby. He controls the household with tantrums and refuses to listen.
I ended up on this page because tonight I lost my temper with him and picked him up roughly and was really mean to him and too rough with him. There was no kindness or love in my speech or actions and I am so ashamed as we have had a few of these instances in the past three months. I have spanked him twice - not hard, but I’m not okay with it.
I know he went to bed afraid and confused and ashamed and I just can’t stand it, but I don’t seem to be able to feel that burning love I used to have for him. Most days I find him irritating, challenging and over-demanding.
What has happened to my beautiful well behaved boy and our amazing bond? I have sought out counseling which I’m not finding helpful because he keeps telling me I’m a good mother, but a good mother does not behave like this.
I am starting a parenting course in January but meanwhile I can’t undo what has already happened between us, and my altered feelings? I am sure my partner is part of the problem but ultimately not responsible for my behavior and I think I use harsh words with my son more than him.
So sad right now. How do I change my reactions to him? I am reading all the books but nothing stops the triggers!