Feeling Over-powered, Scared And Not Heard
When I met my husband I believed everything was going to be okay ... I was naive and trustful. I never thought I would have been through so much heartache and fear. However I wasn't thinking when I was a twenty year old girl of the “what ifs.” I wasn't thinking at all. It was as though I was invincible then.
But I know today I am not invincible. I am not naive anymore, and today I am asking the “what ifs.”
My marriage is controlling. I stopped working after we had our first daughter and I helped him create a business for himself. I wanted to go back to school, however he made it almost impossible with his schedule and our child for me to attend class or have time for myself to do the work needed. So I dropped out.
I had another baby. During this time period, his business was growing and so was his addiction to alcohol and pills.
I felt lonely and lost. I had nothing. He controlled the bank accounts, bills, money everything. Nothing was in my name...not even the car I drove or the house we live in.
One summer I was sick and tired of his anger, drinking and drug addiction, period. I moved out and lived in and out of my car with my two girls, not knowing where to go. He refused to leave his house which forced me to leave. I have had the police over several times but without any sign of physical abuse they were not helpful.
I had endured enough emotional abuse at this point to last a life time but I couldn't prove that. Therefore I would leave and come back when I felt was safe.
I eventually ended up filing for divorce and got a restraining order against him so I could stay in the home. The divorce never ended up happening. He got sober and we tried again.
However I had a lot of resentment in my heart. I have been through a lot and I wasn't the same girl with an open heart and mind. I was better when I was down and almost hopeless.
Through the years we have experienced good times, but they never last that long. I was having my 3rd baby and he began to drink again. And this time worse. I wasn't a stranger now to his drunk behavior, therefore I felt more equipped to handle him. But it's sad to think I have had to become equipped.
After he stopped drinking he started to smoke pot, which helped his anger, so it seemed okay. I'm not condoning that type of drug abuse however it was refreshing to have him not angry all the time. I felt more relaxed and almost comfortable if the house was a little messy when he came home.
But just like everything else in this world things wear off and the true person he always has been was just waiting to come out. Therefore I'm dealing with an angry, high husband who is on pot and stimulants. I find myself once again in an unstable home trying to keep him from exploding, which is hard to do because he is always angry.
I have nothing, and need hope and guidance. I want better for myself and the 3 kids I have. He is blinded to himself. I have been in and out of therapy, but like I stated he makes it hard for me to get to my sessions, especially now with three kids.