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Don't Want To Leave But Want To Be Safe

by Anonymous

My husband and I have known each other for 8 years and married for 1.5 years now. Both of us are the eldest in our families. By nature we are both aggressive but I have control over my aggression. I made up my mind to do that in my teens and I have a lot of patience.

After our marriage, we moved abroad. I took up studies and he found work. A year or two before marriage I started noticing a change in his behaviour. He had been a calm, controlled person.

He became prone to shouting and swearing at me (on the phone). He had and regularly has to deal with a lot of stressful situations from his family’s side as well as financial constraints and I felt his short temper was his way of coping. After marriage, things became worse as he occasionally started having fits of anger which ended in physical abuse.

He is a good person who sincerely loves me and takes care of me. But his behaviour is also verbally and (sometimes) physically abusive. He admits he abuses me physically and that physical abuse is wrong. He tries to control his behaviour but is unable to.

I have read that abusive behaviour is not rational. There is no point in finding a logic behind it. I try to convince him to seek external help but he doesn’t do that as firstly, he claims he can control himself and secondly, we live in a foreign country where we do not want domestic abuse on our record (nor do we know whom to ask for help privately).

He is normally a headstrong and difficult person and I am the patient one. However my passive behaviour causes stress for me and makes by body react physically to the stress and anxiety.

I do not want to leave him but I also want to be safe. Please guide us as to how he can cope with his aggression and how I can cope being a victim to it and the anger it causes me to feel.

I believe we are young, we are committed so we can change and put this unpleasant chapter behind us.

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Jan 10, 2018
Some Possible Help For You
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hello, and thanks for reaching out for help here. I will try to help.

The best thing you have going for you is that it seems that both of you want to improve and create a better marriage.

The kind of problems you're having are not easily resolved, and usually require professional help for lasting results.

I'll make a couple of suggestions for you to choose from:

1) I suggest that you both complete the exercises on this page, and keep doing them regularly until you start to see some positive results. This may or may not be effective, it depends entirely on the two of you.

2) I offer counseling for individuals and couples by phone, FaceTime, Skype or Google Chat. This might be of interest to you because of your need for confidentiality, and because you can have the sessions from the comfort of your home. You can contact us here for more information.

I hope you find one or both of these suggestions to be helpful.

My best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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