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Can My Marriage Be Saved?

by AP
(Las Vegas)

I have been married for 8 years. One month after our marriage, major life stressors began to enter our lives. I feel like our marriage never gained a strong foundation for this reason.

We have suffered much adversity in the last several years. For about two years (2 years ago), I began acting out with my husband. I was very angry, quick to judge, and short tempered with him. He describes me as verbally abusive and controlling.

I am not proud of the way I behaved in the past. We have two young children, ages almost 3 and 4. I love them more than life itself. My husband moved out of our home and has since filed for divorce. I am taking every step I know how to show him I am remorseful for my displaced anger and asked for his forgiveness.

I've asked him to come home so I can 'show' him the active changes I have made, rather than tell him in words. I realize it is hard to understand my issues from this short email, but I am willing to do whatever it takes to save our marriage. My husband things it may simply be too late because I did too much damage.

I disagree with the 'too late' part of this simply because time has passed but he has not been willing to take a chance on us. He is willing to go to counseling, but not necessarily willing to stop the divorce process. I love him and am sad that I caused all of this. What do I do?

Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello, and thanks for telling your story here. I know you want to save your marriage, and I hope that you can. I suggest, however, that you deal with your anger for yourself, regardless of what your husband does or does not do. You will find the guidelines you need to understand and manage your anger on this FAQ page. Follow the steps carefully, and I think this will help you.

Regarding your marriage, I suggest that you read the following page, and hopefully that will help you in your upcoming challenges: letting go of a relationship.

If your husband is willing, it would be helpful for the two of you to read Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples and do all of the exercises at the back of the book. Of course, he has to be willing. Then again, maybe the counseling will help.

Make up your mind to be a healthy, happy person, no matter what. That is actually the best thing you can do for your marriage, and it is certainly the best thing for yourself and your children.

Believe in the goodness of the person you are inside, and make up your mind to become that person all of the time.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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