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Can I Change My Abusive Behaviors?

by Albert

Hello. I’m 25 years old and was dating a beautiful girl for about 5 months, but we recently broke up because she is tired of me getting mad at her, being jealous, ripping her clothes, and even once punching a wall.

At first it wasn’t so bad then I punched the wall and would grab her. I apologized for my behavior that was triggered initially because I found some messages talking about other males to her friend. Ever since then everything went downhill and the arguments were constant.

It’s like I lost the trust I gave her and would just get mad for every little thing. Even though she changed, apologized and stopped doing things like that that would bother me. I still kept getting mad and became controlling. I would check her phone constantly and she would do the same.

We stopped talking to friends and disconnected from social media to try to make things better and it did for a little but the arguments kept coming. My jealousy wouldn’t stop. When we would argue I would yell at her, I would cuss, and sometimes even grab her.

After a few of those, this past break up was the 3rd time I asked for her forgiveness and I wanted to change and be with her. She has 2 kids and doesn’t think I can accept her because of that. But I do, I just feel like all this is new to me since I had never been with a woman with children.

I have tried to fix things but she just claims to be tired of how much we argue and my behavior towards her. One day passed after we broke up and she already went back to her old “friends” that she had left behind for about 2 months now, and also even contacting her ex this time.

Once even there was an argument because I found out the first time we broke up she told someone she missed her ex. I’m scared she’ll just move on and leave me because I really love and care about her. I have over looked all that to a certain extent and kept being with her no matter what, but at the same time I think it’s the reason why the arguments were triggered in the first place.

I want us to go back out again and just go back to how we were. Disconnected from friends and media and just do us and our families. Is that bad?

Also her mother makes her choose between her and me, so if she did date me again her mom would be mad at her for that decision because of her past relationship with her baby’s daddy. I feel like she’s forced to not be with me because of that. Obviously she won’t chose me over her mother. So that’s another thing.

I don’t know what to do anymore. Can you give me some advice please?

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Oct 13, 2017
Some Advice To Consider
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hi Albert, and thanks for telling your story here. I can tell you're having a hard time, but your next steps are very important.

If you get back together with your girlfriend, the chances are 100% that the abuse will continue. You have to deal with your own issues before being in a relationship with her or anyone, or else you're going to be abusive again. These patterns are hard to break, but you can do it if you set your mind to it.

I strongly encourage you to get in a support group, or get professional help to deal with your problem with anger, control and physical aggression.

Whether you get help or not, you will benefit from doing these exercises, regularly and consistently for 6-8 months. These are tools, and the more you use them, the better they will work for you. Once or twice won't cut it.

You've got to let her go, Albert. I know that's hard, but the fact is that if you really love her, you would want to protect her from harm...and the harm has been coming from you.

Focus on healing your own anger, and move on to create good, healthy relationships in your future.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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