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I wanted to meet a composer who is working for my parents on an Opera project. He had become Facebook friends with me for about a year. We never interacted. I finally figured out who he was and I invited him to have coffee with me, since I also wanted to know more about the project. He had a really strong negative reaction to me and refused. A friend of mine became Facebook friends with him, and she started commenting all over his page. He really likes women who suck up to him, and he's divorcing. She is in a relationship but wants a new boyfriend.
I posted a little on his page and he blocked me and said I was getting too intense. He told me he didn't want to hear from me for like, 6 months, and to add insult to injury he called my parents and told them this. I am 44. I was so humiliated and my mother made me feel so guilty.
So I was now blocked from him on Facebook but my friend wasn't. I wrote him an e-mail but he was never receptive to me and I felt really rejected and I would keep trying to prove I was an OK person. In the mean time, my friend started acting less supportive of me and even scolding me.
I searched around for reasons why she might be mad at me. Was she mad because she thought I was hindering her relationship with him? I tried to clear that up with him, but he told me she was a great friend.
He has thousands of friends on FB and I got one to tell me what my friend was writing on his wall. She was all over his posts, complimenting him and sucking up to him at the same time she was being more and more mean to me. She never told me about all her love notes to him. I wrote to her I wasn't sure we could be friends anymore. I got back one of the cruelest, most outrageous letters from her (e-mail). I got back home from work and read it. At 4:18 PM I sent her an e-mail telling her our friendship was over. At 5 PM I got an outraged phone call from my mother.
My "friend" had called or written to him that I had done these terrible things (I don't know what, because my mother wouldn't tell me). The composer now threatened to file a complaint against me if I contacted him again. I know my friend put him up to this because she has experience with DV and knows all the techniques. In fact, that's where we met six years ago, in a DV support group.
Then she found my blog (I tried to change the name so she couldn't find it) and pretended to be my mother and wrote more hateful things. I hate this woman. I am so angry.
I hate them so much now. My mother just eviscerated me. She made me feel so guilty. Like I'd killed 10 people or something. Both my friend and the composer know I hate that he called my parents. So now I'm left with this anger. I can't do anything about it because I'm afraid he might file a complaint against me and I see he also has a lot of time available for this kind of BS. I just have to sit with this rage. It's awful.
My parents just think I shouldn't care about this. Like, it should just be water off a duck's back. But I feel so betrayed and he is still working with them--he plans on taking 5 years to finish this stupid Opera project. I wish he'd just vanish. So, that's my story.
Response from Dr. DeFoore
Hello Aya, and thanks for telling your story here. I think it's time for you to let go of your parents, emotionally, that is. It sounds like your mother is way too involved in your life, and possibly you in hers. Follow the recommendations on this FAQ page, and see if that works for you.
You're stuck in a pattern of wanting other people to change, and that will always lead you to heartache. At some point, you have to become more interested in your own development and your own good life than what anybody else is doing.
Take a look at this page, and see if you find anything helpful: letting go of a relationship
Believe in yourself, Aya, and make up your mind that you're going to be happy and have a good life--it depends on no one but you.
My very best to you,
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