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Another Chance For Our Relationship?

by Anonymous

In the beginning, we were a great couple. We rarely had problems, and when we did, they were easily sorted out. We didn't get too mad at each other, and we treated each other pretty well.

This all changed when I found out he had cheated with multiple females. I didn't find out until several months after, and it destroyed everything for me. I didn't see him the same way. I finally realized how much of a liar he was and almost nothing he ever told me was the truth.

Things got very rocky as we were trying to get past this. I still loved him enough to want to continue.

What made this worse was that I was moving to a new state for several months. I couldn't trust him any more since he had lied so long about what he did. I knew trying a long distance relationship with him would be hard. The whole time I was gone, I felt like he was doing wrong.

I would never know the truth, but I knew he didn't do all the right things while I was gone. We argued almost on a daily basis, and there were a few times where we didn't argue for a week or two at a time. The arguments were started at the drop of a dime and were about anything. It got even harder to push through this time, I was just so tired of arguing.

Towards the end, when I was close to coming back, things got better. We didn't want to mess up so we could enjoy things when I got back.

After I got back, we were pretty good with little to no arguments. I thought things had really changed and we were going to be good. Fast forward a few months, and it was horrible. He became very verbally abusive (more than he had been before), physically abusive to himself, and he started having outbursts of violent rage.

These outbursts would start over anything, and I became fearful of him. I started becoming more defensive, and a few times I had hit him. I had also become forceful with him, but that was when he was trying to hurt himself and I tried to stop it. I couldn't see him do that to himself.

I know violence is wrong, but I grew up in a violent home. I know this isn't an excuse, but when things get bad around me I sometimes get very defensive and it is just a reflex. I regret ever putting my hands on him to hurt him. Just recently we got into a very bad argument and I hit him again.

Both of our families got involved, so we are taking a break. He says he wants to be permanently done, but I feel as though if we both get help, things can get better.

How do I go about talking to him to show him that it can be different? How can we fix things? I know some abusive relationships should just be left, but I feel as though ours can be fixed.

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May 25, 2015
Time To Listen To Your Own Wisdom
by: Dr. DeFoore


You sound like an intelligent person. But I don't think you're using your intelligence when it comes to this relationship. Your partner knows it needs to end. Respect that, and don't try to change his mind.

Deep inside you, in your own inner wisdom, you know the right thing to do.

You are caught up in a very destructive pattern, and until you focus on healing your own emotional issues, you will continue to repeat this pattern in this or any relationship you're involved in.

The dishonesty and abuse that has occurred in your relationship has damaged it beyond repair. It's time for you to concentrate on your own healing process, or you will have a long road of unhappiness and turmoil in your life going forward.

You have to want your own well being more than you want to reconcile with your partner. I hope you do want that, because nothing else will work for you.

Make up your mind to get healthy, for yourself, and try to let go of your relationship.

Believe in yourself, and love yourself enough to provide a safe, healthy existence for yourself.

My best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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