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Angry Or Stupid?

by Megan
(IL)

The love of my life is cheating on me and has been for 6 months. However, I am 18 years old, and he is 22. We moved across the globe to run a business, and in the process my fiance found his old fling, 3 months after we moved.

He has left recently, well within the last month or two. He leaves 2 to 3 times a week at night, and stays until 6am and then he comes to bed with me. This girl knows about me because my fiance left her for me. She was pregnant when he started this little affair and she had the baby today.

I have sworn to keep my hands off of her until she had the baby. When she would email me and say she had just had sex with my fiance all I could do is see red. My fiance says that she was his first love and he is my first love. I still get sad about it, but mostly I punch things like my hand or a wall and I imagine it being her face.

I imagine taking my beautiful rings and shredding her face into pieces with them. I figure I may as well stick it out because my fiance has been faithful for 3 years until this slut wondered back into his life. We move to our original state in 4 months. Whats 4 more months, right?

I have been through a lot with this man. Robbed at gun point even. I love him more than I love anything. I had a very very bad childhood and was forced to grow up at 12. So it may seem like I am young but I have been on my own from 12 to 16 when I moved in with my fiance. I don't know if I have an anger issue, I suspect I do because I know I would be able to take her life and sleep like a baby. I just needed to talk to someone so thank you for letting me share my life.




Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello Megan, and thanks for writing your story on this site. I know you didn't ask for help here, but I'm going to offer some suggestions, in case you or anyone else might benefit.

You said, "I love him more than I love anything." I wonder if you love yourself as much as him. If not, then you will continue to allow him to hurt you.

You're angry at his girlfriend, and that certainly is understandable. Most of your anger needs to be toward him, however. I think you may love him so much that you're not willing to look at what he's doing and how wrong it is.

Moving will not solve your problem. He will do this again, unless he gets some very serious professional help. And her being his "first love" has nothing to do with it.

You deserve respect and loyalty, and you're not getting it. You mentioned that you had a very bad childhood. It is very important that you heal yourself emotionally, so that you will love yourself enough to demand respect in your relationships.

In some ways, you are in a "battered person syndrome," because you love someone who is abusive to you. Here's a page that will help you deal with abusive relationships.

Consider these points:

1) You are worthy of love, kindness and loyalty from others. Learn about loving yourself and your inner child here.

2) You deserve to be respected and treated well, regardless of what has happened in your past.

3) You are a good person, and you deserve to love and be loved in a healthy, exclusive relationship.

4) Believe in yourself. Put yourself first.

5) Never, ever give up on yourself.

Keep writing on this site if you like. There are people here who will help you.

My best to you in your journey to self-respect,

Dr. DeFoore

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Aug 26, 2009
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You are not angry or stupid Megan
by: Abby

Megan, it is not this girl's fault that your fiance is sleeping with her. It's your fiance's total responsibility to stay faithful to you. You must understand this. This other girl is just as much a victim as you are. She is obviously alone and having a baby to someone else. Her life was a terrible mess even before your fiance came back into her life - now it's even worse. Trust me, it is.

Do not stay with this man who is no man and understands nothing and does not treasure you because you are treasure.

The best help I have ever received for childhood abuse issues and for relationship is this site and Dr De Foore's comments. Please read more on here and become part of this online community. You will be supported as you grow and learn to give yourself the best not the worst.

A fantastic thing that Dr DeFoore has on this site under the Anger blog with the subject about how to let go a relationship is this:

'A lot of times when someone is moving out of your life, it's not them you're having trouble letting go of--it's the dream of who you thought they were, and what you hoped to have with them. You're also letting go of who you were in that relationship. We're a little (or a lot) different in each of our relationships, so when one of them ends, we're giving up that part of us that showed up only with that person. Try writing about these...your dream of what you wanted the relationship to be, and who you were in the relationship. That's what you're really letting go of.'

I'm sorry for your pain Megan. PLEASE don't hurt this girl it isn't her fault that this man doesn't stay faithful to you. You are worth more and you don't know that. If you stay on this site and share your stories you will learn and you will heal and you will make a wonderful life for yourself. You will live a life of misery if you stay with this person you call your fiance.

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