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Anger And Denial And I Can't Decide What To Do

by Chrys
(Montreal, Canada)

Hi there. I've been with my boyfriend now for 10 months, and just two months ago moved into his place. We are really great together, we joke and laugh more than I ever thought was possible with a boyfriend. Our sense of humors click, along with many other characteristic. We were happy.

Now I'm 26, he's 36, the age difference was never an issue with us before, but now I'm starting to wonder why someone 10 years older than me still has no many anger issues. My boyfriend suffers from social anxiety, as do I, I started taking Celexa a year ago, and it has changed my world around! I'm so much calmer and happier to be living anxiety free, and for the first time in my life I feel like I'm actually making proper decisions, and not making decisions built on fear.

He saw how much I've changed for the better, so he spoke with his doc about the same issue he has, and started on them as well 3 months ago. I don't know if him snapping on me is due to these pills, or now I'm only to start to know him.

He tells me stories of how much his father would snap on him and his brother growing up, he's very angry towards his father and says "I never want to be like him", although I'm now seeing their tempers might be the same after all. He also stopped speaking to his older brother a few years back because, as he says, "I see so much of my father in him, it scares me", and his brother was diagnosed with Bipolar.

Now, back to my problem...Recently we have been getting into many more arguments than before, and when he snaps he snaps. I can see he has zero control, so far he's made comments telling me - “You're a whore, you're f__ed in the head, you need to get checked, go cry to your shrink, you live in a dream world, your two faced", along with “Shut the f__ up, f__ off,” etc.

Am I perfect? Of course not. Yes there are times I have said something to upset him first like "Are you even listening to me!?" set him off last night. But what's scary, is when I try and speak with him when we are calm, he tells me that I'm unstable, and he says "So what!" when I bring up the mean comments he makes.

How can be such a nice person, caring and even good-hearted, turn into this man? And no matter what, he will never apologize for anything, and he will never even take 1% of the responsibility in the fight.

Does this mean he just has zero respect for me or women? I feel that maybe the times he knows he might be wrong, he gets even more angry and blames me more. I can't win either way, he tells me how I'm damaging the relationship and how I always make him take a step back.

He's looking for a girl to make his life "easier", and I do the opposite because I try and stand up for myself and call him out on what he says is wrong. I love him, but I'm losing my patience. But is it that we are not meant to be together, or would he have these anger issues with other women and not just me?

I want to do everything I possibly can to make this work! And objective opinions are needed. Remember, I'm not claiming I'm perfect. But does a simple argument need to be escalated that much to call me down like that?

Help please!


Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello Chrys, and thanks for telling your story here. Nothing justifies abuse in a relationship, and the things you say that your boyfriend is saying to you are abusive. Until he takes responsibility for his part, this is likely to continue.

As for your part, I encourage you to seek counseling for yourself as well. From what you’ve written here, I can’t tell if this relationship is salvageable or not. You will have to determine that in your own mind and heart.

I do want to say to you, Chrys, that you are worthy of respect, kindness, care and love in all of your relationships. Make up your mind that you will be treated with respect, and make every effort to be respectful to your boyfriend at all times. When he or you is no longer being respectful in communication, remove yourself temporarily, and if it continues, you may need to consider removing yourself permanently from the relationship.

Read this article on letting go of a relationship, and see if it applies to your situation.

Be good to yourself, Chrys. Make up your mind to create a positive, healthy life for yourself, and take steps every day to make it happen.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

P.S. If you got something of value here, we would also greatly appreciate it if you would click the "Like" button at the top left corner of this page.

Comments for Anger And Denial And I Can't Decide What To Do

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Sep 19, 2013
by: chrys

Thanks so much for your advice. I know you are right... The problem I'm struggling with is right now is the question.... What if it is actually me? What if I'm the one not seeing things right? He said it, that I'm the only one who he's ever snapped at, he says its all my attitude and it is me causing the issues. He is 100%, and seems so convincing. So this is what seems to be holding me back, I feel insecure when it comes to my own thoughts. What if he's right and I am f_____ up? I try to tell myself I'm not, he's verbally abusive, won't seem to sink in. That's why I came here for advice, reassurance. I'm scared of walking away from this relationship, leaving someone I love feeling like it was my fault, that I could have changed something. Its all so very disappointing. I invested all my love, I thought he could finally be the one, and now I see this side. Its so hard to give up.

Sep 19, 2013
It's time
by: Forest Nana

Chrys..It looks to me like you are the only one trying to help things work better in your relationship. I think, as women, sometimes we cling to having "someone" in our lives and we become somewhat desperate. Of course, I can't make that choice for you, but it looks to me like you need to "move on", find another place to live, work on healing and becoming stronger...alone. This boyfriend is only bringing you deeper and deeper into a dark place. Respect yourself enough to say "This is enough, I don't need this, I'm worth more." I would start looking for an affordable place to live...far away from this abusive relationship and cut the ties. If he is like many abusers, he will likely beg and plead and make promises (that you know he will not keep)...don't safe my STRONG. Sheryl

Sep 18, 2013
by: chrys

So he's at it again... I listened to the replys on my post, and so thankful for them. I also met with my physiologist and got some tips from her as well. Last night we got into another argument. I made a mistake and left the back door open, which I can understand is upsetting since I. Was upstairs and didn't notice for hours while he was at work and let in all kind of bugs. He started at me pretty aggressive sounding, and I said "wow I can't do anything right" this to him showed that I have an attitude problem. I then continued to explain myself and apologize from upstairs, I was talking and talking until I realized he wasn't even at the bottom of the stairs, he went to the other side of the house where he couldn't even hear me. I consider that pretty rude to just walk away without letting me know and not listen. Then he came back and said the same old thing. I'm f_____ and shut the f____ up. He slept on the couch and said I need my pills. I said well you get them yourself I'm not your slave, his reply was laughing and said ya of course you're not you would make a horrible slave. Just every time he's mad he's insulting. Today I tried to put it behind us and move on, he wouldn't so I tried to talk things through. He tells me I have an attitude. Its all my fault and he's not happy with me, he says he doesn't have anger issues because I'm the only one he's ever gotten angry with, never got mad at his exs. I said its verbally abusive and he told me I didn't know what that was. He said that in an argument he's allowed to talk to me like that, there is 100% nothing wrong. This is my last attempt. Is there suggestions out there that will help me reach out to him?!

Sep 06, 2013
by: Chrys

Thanks so much for the kind words and support! I spoke with my psychologist as well the other day, she gave me some tips on how to communicate and get my point across without him feeling attacked. I’m keeping my fingers crossed, but at the same time I know how difficult this may be since he is very stubborn. It’s always a bit tricky knowing where to draw the line, I want to give him a chance, at the same time of course I don’t deserve this. Once again I appreciate the suggestions and clarification. I never look to these forums to have people agree with me or “Take me side” I just sometimes feel that I need reassurance that I’m not over exaggerating, and the comments he makes are truly abusive and disrespectful.



Sep 04, 2013
Difficult decisions
by: Forest Nana

Morning Chrys,
Bravo for you for seeking medical help for your medical needs! YOU'VE seen the difference it's made in your life and apparently so has your boyfriend, Perhaps that is why his anger has rampt up.(Just wondering here). The Dr. is so right deserve respect and your boyfriend is NOT giving you that. He IS abusive & probably violent (if not now he very well could be in the future as his frustration with his own life increases). I totally agree that you should seek counciling.But if I were you, I'd be looking for somewhere else to live.IF your boyfriend is bi-polar; unless he gets medical help/medication...THAT will only get worse. Protect yourself. Find a safe place to live with perhaps a different group of friends. You don't mention your employment nor age but no matter how old or young you are, you deserve to be safe. Blessings to you! Sheryl

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