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Adult Son Is Verbally Abusive

by Marilyn
(Canada)

I have a 31 year old son who is married with a 3 month old baby. He was always a difficult child who had many temper tantrums as a child with anger issues as a teenager. He would punch holes in walls and go into extreme rages.

We have been to family counseling when he was a teenager, and I as his mother have had my own counseling and he as a young adult had some counseling as well as anger management classes. Things settled down for a while but since he has had the baby his anger has resurfaced. He actually threw something when he had the baby in his arms.

He got into an argument with me and the language and name calling was horrible. He has crossed a line that I think a child should never do with a parent. I don't deserve this. I asked him to leave the house and told him he needed to go back into counseling. He told me he wasn't going to and if I thought by not talking to him would accomplish that it wouldn't work.

I take responsibility for my part in all of this but I do not want him around anymore. I would like to have a relationship with my grandson but he has used that against me as well, telling me I won't be a part of life, so I'm afraid to get attached to the baby for fear that he will do that someday.

Am I doing the right thing by not talking to him and telling him he is not welcome in my home anymore? What should I do if he won't go for help?

Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello Marilyn, and thanks for telling your story here. I think you're definitely doing the right thing. You can add, when you talk to him, that he is allowed into your home after (you set the period of time), when he has gotten some help and decided that he can treat you with respect.

Your message, spoken and unspoken, needs to be that he will either treat you with respect or he will not see you. While that may seem harsh, it is actually the most loving thing you can do. To allow him to be abusive to you is not love, and it hurts him as well as you.

Unfortunately, this will probably mean loss of contact with your grandson, for a short or long while. This is still better than allowing him to be abusive. You can't control his behavior. Just set boundaries around his relationship with you. That is the best you can do.

Meanwhile, every time you think of your son, picture him in your mind's eye healing and waking up to the good person he is inside. If you are oriented to prayer, pray for him. Believe in the goodness within him to rise to the surface, and let go. Find the distance from which you can love him, and let the rest go.

This page will help: letting go of a relationship.

Focus on creating a healthy, loving, joyful life for yourself.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

P.S. If you found this to be helpful, please consider making a donation to this site to support our mission.

Comments for Adult Son Is Verbally Abusive

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Nov 08, 2023
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To the author of "Help"
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hello. You may be correct. If you evict them they may in fact be homeless. However, you don't know that for sure. What you do know for sure is that as long as they are in your home, they will be damaging to your health and well-being.

Just consider the possibility that your son might be responsible and get a job if you evict them. He has no motivation to do so as long as you let them live with you.

Wishing you all the best,

Dr. DeFoore

Oct 21, 2023
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Help
by: Anonymous

I have the same issue but my son daughter-in-law and granddaughter live with me. They will be homeless if evict them. I hate my life and I hate feeling like a doormat putting it nicely. He’s going to be 45 and I'm going to be 65 in January 2024. This has been going on for years. He has no health insurance and if he did he would not take mental health meds. He used weed but that isn’t helping anymore. I’ve been praying for a miracle. My husband passed away 1.5 years ago and I’m alone with my little old dog. I just want peace.

Aug 18, 2022
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To the author of "Learning Boundaries"
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hello, and thanks for your comment. You are definitely on the right track. Keep the boundaries in place of no financial support and no visits until he gets help.

Give him the clear message that he will either treat you with respect or he will not have the pleasure of your company.

And regarding calling CPS, you can certainly do that, but you will need to give them some clear indication that his child is in danger of some sort.

All the best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

Aug 07, 2022
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Learning Boundaries
by: Anonymous

It's nice to know I'm not alone in my struggles with my only son. Now 22, his rage against me and his hate is growing and has now gotten physical. He has intermittent explosive disorder and I never know what will set him off.

He lost his 3 month old son two years ago to SIDS and now has another 6 month old son. He doesn't deal with his feelings and blames all of his outbursts on his anger and grief. We've done everything possible to help him and try to get him into counseling but he refuses to help himself.

He uses my grandson against me to hurt me, withholding visits from me which is devastating to say the least. He spews horrible and hurtful insults at me, throws things at me, berates me, degrades and verbally abuses me and laughs at me while he does it. It's humiliating and gives me flashbacks to the abuse I suffered with my second husband.

I've cut him off of all financial help and have told him I will not see or talk to him until he gets help for himself. My concern now is the safety of my grandson and his girlfriend. I want to call CPS for help, but I don't know if I'm meddling or making too big of a deal out of things? I know that sounds ignorant but I honestly don't know what to do.

Dec 08, 2019
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To the author of "Christmas is Coming"
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hi, and thanks for telling your story here.

You really only have one choice. Inform the police. Your son is breaking the law every time he physically assaults someone in your family. You may think you're protecting him by not reporting his violence, but what you're actually doing is this: You're sending him the message that his behavior is acceptable. And it's not.

If you don't report him and get the support of law enforcement, he will just keep going...and it could get even worse. Don't wait until it gets worse...it's already way over the line.

My best,

Dr. DeFoore

Dec 08, 2019
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Christmas is Coming
by: Anonymous

We have 3 children and then fell in love with a little 7 year old, and we adopted him. We found out he had two little sisters going up for adoption so we said bring them on, cause we wanted them also.

He did wonderful till he was around 15 and the abuse started. We would drive 6 hours every week for him to see his counselor. He beat up my husband and my husband had to go to the hospital. So we put our son in a hospital for help.

He never got any better. When he turned 18 (two days later), he told us he hated us and we were not his parents and left home.

Now he is 20 and the only time he comes around is at Christmas for gifts. The rest of the time he would send a text and tell us how he hated us and how he will bond with his sisters over weed.

We block him, but on social media he attacks us again and again. I don't want him here for Christmas because I am afraid of him. I am so tired of being hit and my husband is tired of it.

His sisters are so scared of him because he would hit them too, but they want to see him. I am afraid he will try to get them into drugs because he said he would do it.

We want him here when he changes. How do we tell him because he will attack us again?

Nov 20, 2019
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To the author of, "Abusive Adult Son"
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hi and thanks for your comments.

Nothing is worth sacrificing your health. That is not love, and it will never be appreciated on the receiving end.

My recommendation is that you create the distance you need in order that this does not harm your health.

Then, from that distance, love each and every one of these individuals, and try to hold them in the highest possible regard in your mind.

Other than that, your really can't help. Your efforts to help will sometimes actually make things worse.

Just help yourself, and then you're leading by example, the most powerful message you can send.

My best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

Nov 18, 2019
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Abusive Adult Son
by: Anonymous

I have a 37 yr old son who has a problem with respect to adults. Not only that, he has verbally abused me (his Mom), and physically/verbally abused his Dad. Now he abuses his children’s Mom in all areas.

In part, some of this behavior comes from him seeing me being abused by his Dad. However, as I tell him all the time you don't have to be what you were a part of. His children are tired of the behavior and the boys possess some of the same behavior.

This is all learned behavior and I don't know how to help, even if I should continue to risk my health with him. I don't like this for my Grandchildren nor their Mother. She claims to love him but won’t take time to turn the love she's giving to him and focus on her children. What shall I do?

Feb 10, 2019
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Adult Son Is Physically and Verbally Abusive
by: Anonymous

My son has a history of being Physically and Verbally abusive to me. My son is 32 and he is currently in Jail for his last attempt on 2/8/19 to end my life. I keep giving him chances but it has become chances I am taking with my own life.

He has been "Baker Acted" several times over the past 6 years and each time he was released with no meds.

I have set him up to live on his own with a good job but he always finds a way to mess it up so he can come and stay with me to continue his daily torture.

I am convinced my son has severe mental issues and he turns into a monster.

I have been pushed off the bed, choked, near death, slapped punched, kicked along with language unheard of.

This last incident as he choked me, kicked and punched me in the mouth and busted my lip he was yelling telling me that I his mother don't care about him yet he was under my roof being given yet another chance, actually holding down a job and still extremely angry at me every day.

I have to move again and I finally learned that he is never to be in my space ever again unless by some miracle he is cured from all the rage and anger he want to bestow on his mother.

Jul 13, 2018
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To the author of "I Blame Myself..."
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hi, and thanks for telling your story here. Your feelings are completely understandable. However, I want you to consider some things.

In my 40+ years of professional counseling experience, I've learned that childhood experience has great impact on us as adults...however, childhood experience does not determine who a person becomes.

So, was your son affected by your divorce, and being put into a surrogate spouse role with you? Absolutely, yes. I'm sure that had a significant impact on him.

But does that in any way excuse or even explain his anger, meanness and general unhappiness as an adult? Absolutely not.

People come out of horrible childhoods and become wonderful adults, and people come out of decent childhoods and become horrible adults.

It's not what happens to us, it's how we respond to it, and most importantly it's about the choices we make.

Your son is completely responsible for his problems as an adult. You are in no way responsible or to blame for his attitude or emotional problems.

Keep a safe distance from him...allowing him to hurt you doesn't help him or you. Every time you think of him, choose to see him at his best.

That's the best you can do at this point.

I hope this helps.

My best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

Jul 12, 2018
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I Blame Myself For My Adult Son's Anger
by: Anonymous

My son graduated law school, but after two tries still hasn't passed the bar. He has always been super arrogant and told everyone it didn't matter. But since then he has been so angry.

He has adopted his girlfriend’s daughter and has since had two more children. So now he has 5 yr old, a 3 year old and a 1 year old. He is miserable.

He has always been arrogant, passive aggressive and maybe even a touch narcissistic. His girlfriend is getting ready to take the 3 kids and leave him, and honestly I don't blame her. He is just so mean.

I love my son with my whole heart. I as a parent must have done something wrong. I was a single parent until he was 10. He is 30 now. I divorced his dad when he was an infant.

I was depressed for a short period of time when he was 17-18 years old, and he sort of took over being the man of the house for that 2 year period. I know that was wrong and I shouldn't have allowed it.

When I noticed it, that is when I pulled myself out of it, but it was too late by then. The damage was done. I wish I could fix/change/help/heal him.

Feb 14, 2018
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My Husband Won't Stand Up To My Abusive 36 Year Old Son
by: Anonymous

My abuse has gone on for years. I know my problem is my husband gives in to him. Gives him what he wants.

When my son yells at me, swings at me, my husband will try and make him stop. I don’t want to leave my husband. My son does try to turn us against other.

I just want to run but really don’t have a place to go. I get sick to my stomach when my son shows up and he won’t leave. I wish I could follow your advice but I feel helpless.

Thanks for letting me talk to someone. Everyone does not know. I keep to myself.

Feb 06, 2018
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Abusive Adult Son
by: Anonymous

My adult son is almost 22. He is my only child. He had a fairly normal childhood. I was a single mother for a while, however, I began dating a man I would later marry when my son was about 2. So, he's been in our lives for 20 years.

I found out my son started using drugs after he graduated from high school and I have been living in hell for almost 4 years. He refuses to go to any kind of rehab and he refuses to get or hold a job. He has become verbally abusive, calling me terrible names and cursing me out.

We do not condone drug use and do not even bring alcohol on our home. I have caught him with drug paraphernalia in my home, he has gotten in my face screaming, sent me vile text messages and voicemails, and has stolen jewelry, kitchen appliances, tools, and even meat from the freezer.

Due to his abusive behavior, I have kicked him out of my home. He lives with my mother, and I am afraid for her safety and for mine. He is like Jekyll and Hyde. He's nice to me when he wants something, and when I refuse it, he turns into a monster.

I don't know what to do and I don't know how to handle the situation. I do not enable him, I refuse to give him money or anything of value because he will sell it for drugs. I feel defeated and beat up.

Jan 12, 2018
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My Son Scares My Whole Family
by: Anonymous

I came across this and it's so what I need right now. My son is 21.

I've had to get a protective order. He has threatened me, and he has 2 younger sisters and a brother that are scared. I've called the police numerous times and he always comes back and it happens again.

I love him, he's my son...my very first baby. My heart is broken and I feel so guilty. We got him into rehab but the day he got out he threatened me and once again his 10 year old sister and 3 year old brother.

My other children were terrified. Maybe if I didn't have younger children to worry about I could have him live here, but they are beginning to be traumatized and showing signs of anxiety. But my heart is broken for my son.

Oct 03, 2017
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Abusive 26 Year Old Son
by: Sandybee

Thank you very much for writing the article on abusive adult children. I found your response to be very comforting to me as I was just about ready to throw my hands up in the air and give up on my son as well as everything else. There is nothing more heartbreaking than to lose a child.

Jul 16, 2017
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Rage From My Adult Son
by: Anonymous

My 40 year old son harbors rage. Rarely do we get together without a fierce chastising from him. I try to be myself and am careful with what I say.

I see him start to get on edge and then he will explode and verbally abuse me. Sometimes I don't see it coming. Last time it was because I turned down his tv before settling down for a family dinner.

He went on a rage about how I need to behave in his house. He threatened to withhold contact with my new grandson.

I try not to feel sorry for myself and if I cry he gets angrier. I know he has issues and I have practically begged him to get help. So far he refuses.

My only other child, my daughter died suddenly 2 years ago. I feel like I could be strong and set boundaries, but at the same time I don't want to lose my only surviving child.

I was a single parent and I tried so hard to do the best for my children.

Jun 29, 2017
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I Think You're Doing The Right Thing
by: Anonymous

It's impossible to know what the "right" thing is, but after finally getting my son out of the house in February, I can honestly say it was absolutely the right thing.

He is still struggling, but I drew the line, and he is learning to respect it. I won't engage with him when he starts in on me, and I've blocked his number or walked away.

But more often than not, he will text or call to say he is sorry, and we are finding ways to interact that are healthy. I will never let him live with me again, no matter what the circumstances. It wasn't good for me, and really - it didn't help him.

One piece of advice from a therapist I've always took to heart is "remember the relationship." No matter how bad things get, I am open to him when he is reasonable and rational, and so is his dad.

He knows that he has the ability to repair his relationships, even though for every step forward, there may be a half step back. Good luck to you.

Jun 29, 2017
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To the author of "I Kicked..."
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hi, and thanks for commenting on this site. You did your best as a parent, it wasn't perfect, but I assure you that you are not to blame or responsible for your son's behavior today, now that he is an adult.

You are correct that hitting him was not the best choice. However, I totally support you kicking him out and blocking his messages.

Very sad, I know. Grieve the loss, but hold onto the hope that he will make a turn for the better at some point and recognize the error of his ways.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

Jun 14, 2017
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I Kicked My Abusive 21 Year Old Out Of Our Home
by: Anonymous

After reading some of the stories here, I felt like I wasn't so alone. My son is 21 and he has verbally abused me for the last year.

I was a single mom for a while, and got married when he was 7. He was a good child, did well in school, and was respectful until he graduated high school. When he wanted something he had to earn it by doing chores around the house, and I never handed him things. I worked full time and went to school and we would do our homework together each night at the table. I always had a hot meal on the table, we went on family outings, and generally had a normal life.

I'm sure I wasn't a perfect mom, and I know I made mistakes, but I tried really hard to instill morals and values. I don't drink or do drugs, and never even brought alcohol in the house while the kids were growing up.

Once he turned 18, everything changed. I bought him a car for graduation and recently sold it because he can't keep a job to pay the insurance. He's been fired from 5 jobs since he's graduated high school. He has stolen money from me, goes through my things while I'm at work. I am missing jewelry and my husband is missing collectibles that he has had since he was a child. I think my son’s on drugs.

Recently, I walked in his room and ask him a random question and he started screaming and cursing for me to "get the f*%$ out of my room." I was shocked, so I tried to calm him down and ask him why he was so angry. He yelled and screamed at me, called me filthy names, and told me numerous times to either f-off.

He told me that I was a horrible parent, a lousy mother and that I have done nothing for him his entire life. He got in my face and I smacked him. He proceeded to do that 2 more times with the same result. I should not have hit him, but I was not going to be cursed out in my own home.

I kicked him out.

He left and has been gone a month. He lives with my mom. He sends me awful text messages cursing me out, telling me what an awful mother I am and that I chose my husband over him. This is not the case. I refuse to be verbally abused by him so I blocked his number.

My heart is broken in half. All I do is cry, he is my only natural child and all he does is blame me for everything, for losing his jobs, kicking him out, for his girlfriend leaving him (he cusses her too). He wasn't raised in a household where we were angry or abusive, so I don't understand what I did wrong.

Jun 02, 2017
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To the author of "My Therapist Told My Son..."
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hello, and thanks for your comment on this site.

I too am shocked by the unprofessional and inappropriate behavior of your counselor, and I'm sure you won't be going back to see her for any reason.

At the age of 23, your son needs to be on his own, not figuring out how to get along with his mother. I encourage you to interview different counselors until you find one who will help you release your son and set boundaries in your relationship.

Love & Respect Yourself

You don't need a counselor to tell your son how to act, you simply need to make it clear to your son that he will either treat you with respect or he will not see you. This is ultimately a matter of self-respect on your part.

I encourage you to only stay in relationships, family or otherwise, in which you are treated with kindness and respect.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

Jun 02, 2017
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My Therapist Told My Son It Was Normal To Call Me Degrading Names
by: Anonymous

I am shell shocked. After 23 years of oppositional behavior from my son, I finally got him to come to counseling. My counselor told me ahead of time that she was going to call a spade a spade, and he might walk out.

My son refused to answer questions, was sullen, and uncooperative. The counselor prompted me to share my feelings, which I did. She then launched into a story from her own life, about her love-hate relationship with her own mom, and told my son that it is completely normal to call me an asshole. She said that she has called her own mom one when she is frustrated with her.

I feel betrayed by this woman. I think she had a transference of feeling from her own bad maternal relationship and made me out to be mental for thinking it is not okay for my son to call me names.

May 16, 2017
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20 Years Lost
by: Anonymous

We feel like we lost our son when he was about 14. He first became verbally abusive, then dark, quiet, sneaky, gothic type, cruel, careless, etc. We tried it all! Love, non-stop praying, tough love, counseling.

He is now 34. He became a dad at 16. He’s abusive toward his girlfriend but more violent than ever. Two years and now two kids, all living in an apartment with lots of help from us. Finally, CPS removed the kids and put them with us for 2-3 yrs.

Now they’re back with him, and now they have three kids. Still mental and some physical abuse going on but now he is very careful to hide his actions. Police have been called many times but nothing happens. He is very controlling and verbally abusive, and at times, physically. Kids are now 16, 14 and 11.

All have some issues n school.

He’s abusive verbally and emotionally to his mother and recently physically abusive to me. I ended up in the hospital with pulmonary contusion and torn cartilage on the lung. Police did nothing but want to blame me. Wouldn't let me press charges.

Our hearts are torn and now he turned the grandkids from us with lies. I feel very hurt and ashamed, maybe humiliated by his attack. My wife is emotionally hurt and cries often.

We don't know what to do so today we totally cut all of them out of our lives for now. We need to heal somehow ourselves, but it's so hard. There is little help or understanding anywhere.

Our son has sociopathic tendencies, social anxiety and severe OCD. He can't work consequently. He’s also on full social security, disability.

May 06, 2017
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You Helped Me Out Of A Meltdown
by: Regina

Dear Writer,
I just read your words, 5mins after huge blowout w my son. Your words and the lady who asked helped me quickly get my thoughts right back in order. my son has serious mental illness. I know the drill & have done the work of learning, but today my emotions got hold of me.

I started crying, wondering, praying begging, feeling distraught even though l’ve already learned all the techniques to handle a blow up. I Googled and instantly landed on your page and I’m quickly re-set. I’m gonna be okay, not gonna cry my eyes out. Thank you for your work.

Best wishes & gratitude to you & the other mom in the same shoes. May God bless you both in your work & her healing.

Note: Allison Bottke book titled Setting Boundaries With Your Adult Children taught me very much several years ago. So if the other moms see this I hope they try the book. Sorry, I didn’t mean to promote but the teachings are crucial.

Sincerely Regina

Apr 30, 2017
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I'm In The Same Boat
by: Anonymous

I find myself in this same situation. My 18 year old verbally abuses me. It is so bad, he throws stuff around and breaks everything. I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel I’m walking on eggshells with him.

He refused counseling and family therapy. He gets in my face, and I just know it’s going to get physical, in fact the only reason it hasn’t gotten physical is because I back off.

He won’t leave. I wish he would move out. I keep looking on sites like this to see what can be done. Good luck and I hope things get better.

Apr 30, 2017
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It Has Taken Me Two Years To Get To This Point
by: Anonymous

It has been two years since I have spoken with my son. He maintains a close relationship with my daughters, both of whom I see often, but I have never been able to understand his anger toward me and I simply will not tolerate it. He is a very intelligent, handsome, 27 year old man, very well read, does not use drugs and he doesn't even drink alcohol, but he seems to have become just like his abusive father who I divorced when my son was 13.

I tried for a couple of years to keep custody, but his father tortured me in court, and friends told me to let him raise my son. My son spent months at a time with me, but he was never disciplined by either parent. For two years my ex paid for college and my son did not finish one class. I paid for two more years with the same result.

My ex remarried briefly and moved my son into a 5 bedroom house, in a premium neighborhood, where my son lived alone at 19, after the marriage ended. My son did not even pay utilities. His father gave him a new car and even paid the insurance. At 25 he did not even have a credit file because he never paid for anything in 25 years except takeout food and gas for his car.

He is a very talented musician, but he wants instant fame and doesn't want to pay any dues. I confess that I bent over backward to help him, hiring him to work with me and then attempting to help him start his own business. He refused to listen to any instructions in the workplace and again while working for himself, blowing up at me and accusing me of calling him stupid if I gave him any guidance at all.

I asked him over and over again why he was so angry with me and why he treated me so badly. He said that he asked himself the same question and he did not know. He is a very sensitive person and people are drawn to him. Girls his own age love him. Older people love him. His sisters love him. He was not nasty with me all the time, but his anger was so unpredictable that it threw me off my square.

There was only so much verbal abuse I was going to take. It took me years of therapy to heal from the abuse his father inflicted on me and I was not going down that road again, not even for my son. I let go and allowed him to do everything the way he wanted to do it and the business failed.

At the end, I tried to insist on helping to protect my interest, but he exploded on me, and while he did not strike me, he got in my face and poked me in the chest with his finger. That was as far as I was willing to let it go. I moved 3000 miles away and for the first year I was numb. But I knew that I would not move forward without help and so I asked for an Rx for antidepressants for six months.

While I am not healed, I can feel again and I accept the situation for what it is. I am getting on with the rest of my life. I have other children and I have grandchildren and I know that I am a good person. I cannot allow my relationship with my son to define me.

My son still lives in the same house that his father pays for, although I hear that he now has a new car. If I ask, my daughters tell me that my son still expresses bitterness toward me for leaving him on his own to manage a business in which he lost a huge amount of my savings. At this point he doesn't appear to miss me in his life and he never says anything good about me.

He has never acknowledged how much I lost and how much his actions hurt me. Until he does, I want no contact with him. He has to find his own way and I refuse be a crutch or a scapegoat for him. I don’t expect much because he and his father have the same love hate relationship, his father cuts off the money supply, which even includes my son’s cell phone and then they make up and are buddies again.

That is the kind of crazy my ex had with his mother and father before they died, but it is not the kind of relationship that I want with my son. I never changed my phone number, so when he is ready to make peace with me, all he has to do is pick up the phone. I cannot do dysfunction anymore. If I tolerate his behavior, he will think that it is okay to treat other women the way he treats me and I am not agreeable to that.

Apr 10, 2017
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We Are Not Alone
by: Anonymous

The situation you described is so very similar to my own. My heart physically hurts because of the loss of my grandchildren (nearly 6 yr old boy and 1-1/2 year old girl), whom I haven't been able to see for nearly 8 months other than 5 minutes when I dropped off their Christmas presents.

I mail them both a 'miss you' card every month (was told not to by daughter-in-law, but I will continue to do it anyway-they don't have to let them have them).

I agree that the wife can instigate or fuel the fire at the very least. My son has always had a temper, but I think with a more supportive and peace loving spouse, the situation could be better. They are angry at my daughter and her husband and those granddaughters never get to see their cousins.

No telling what my son and daughter-in-law have told the grandchildren. The daughter-in-law has effectively cut my son off from his family. It is devastating and my heart goes out to you.

Apr 10, 2017
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66 Year Old Grandma With Abusive Adult Son
by: Gina

I am a 66-year old grandma, and also have an abusive 42-year-old son. He is a very angry man, and takes his anger out on me more than anyone else.

Whenever I dare to disagree with him, he immediately takes any visits with his children away from me. He has two boys, 10 & 13. This particularly hurts my husband & me, because he & the boys lived with us for 2 years, and a bond was formed in that time.

His current wife seems to be looking for something to be offended at continually, and I feel she "fuels his fire." I have tried to keep in touch with the boys, but they never respond to my text messages anymore, and I can't help but suspect their father has my number blocked on their cell phone.

All in all, it's a sad thing, and no end in sight from the estrangement. My son and his wife spoke very disrespectfully around Christmas time, which brought about the estrangement. But they had both been mocking me behind my back for a long time. (I found this out when my son actually told me about it).

He also resents anything he does for me - help with yardwork, etc., and throws it up later. At the time, he acted happy to help - it's very confusing. I have offered to go to counseling with him and he refuses. All he knows how to do is fire insults my way, and I've had all that I can take.

My sympathies to the other parents that are putting up with this. I don't know what the answer is, except to cut off the relationship and hope he gets help with his anger. God bless.

Apr 08, 2017
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Yet Another Verbally Abusive Adult Son
by: AnonymousKiwi

Thank you so much for this page. I don't feel so alone and it has reaffirmed my instinct that I don't have to put up with abuse from my son.

I am quite prepared to not have contact with him and unfortunately my grandson. He needs to find his own way in the world and live with the consequences of his actions.

Very sad mother but determined to make the most of my life, friends and family that appreciate me.

Mar 14, 2017
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And Now He's Out...
by: Anonymous

It took a few weeks, a police visit and hospitalization, but I finally got my son out.

While it has been hard, he seems to be making his rocky way to recovery. I called him yesterday and told him that if he needs help I am there for him. He told me he stopped drinking, and he wants help getting to see his daughter.

There's a long way to go, but I can help him better now that I he is out. I think he knows this too.

As hard as it is as parents we have to have the long view. I can be a better helper now that I live a sane life without him.

Mar 13, 2017
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Going Through It Now
by: Hurting mom

It hurts so much. I had to have my 21 year old removed from my home last night. I found this after crying today, wondering if I did the right thing. Sounds like I did.

Feb 01, 2017
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To Daisy - You've Done The Right Thing, Now Get Some Help For Yourself
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hi Daisy

Good for you for taking this action. I can only imagine how hard it must have been for you to go through all of this, and to finally have to take legal action.

Now it's time for you to focus on yourself. The feeling that this is all your fault (starting with your father, then your husband, then your son) is something for you to address in counseling.

Work on your own healing, and do your best to create a good life for yourself.

My best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

Jan 31, 2017
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I Hope He's Alive In The Morning
by: Daisy

Tonight was the last straw. It's snowing, he took my car twice without permission, called me a f***ing b**** numerous times, made fun of me and my lazy ass, etc. etc.

To make a long story short, I did things that angered him, and he threatened to strangle me, that "if he got his hands on me it would be the end" (said this to my husband).

I called the police. They can't do anything but I told him that he can't stay here tonight. So he went voluntarily, but has been texting all night that it's my fault he's shooting up and doing meth. Tomorrow I will get a restraining order. I will be the third person with an RO against him in the past year.

It's been a long road. Starting at birth. He screamed, and shook. Later we realized it might have been lead. Therapists, doctors, then residential treatment. Brushes with the law. A baby at 17. Hospitalizations. Drug rehab. Then back home with us. Whatever we do is never enough. Everything is my fault, and I am "abusive."

He pays no rent yet we've been told we have to go through formal evictions to get him out of the house. My 16 year old daughter is desperate for happiness and normalcy. Her grades are declining, and this is the year they'll use for college admissions. My husband and I are separated. I'm trying to find full time work, but it is so challenging to "sell yourself" when you just want to crawl under a rock and cry.

The daily verbal abuse is the worst. He criticizes, berates, mocks, mimics, calls names, makes fun of my job, my interests, my food, everything about me. Then later apologies. It's crippling. On and off, so many years, we have been trapped here. It's hard to have people over. It's too uncertain.

He says if he gets hooked on opiates again or dies from exposure tonight the "blood will be on your hands." My husband says good riddance. That's why we're separated. I want my son to take responsibility for his own actions. We have enough money to help him with college, as well as a psychiatrist or program (he's been through so many). It's beginning to feel as though nothing will ever be enough.

As a child I was tormented by my father, who was very similar. My husband also is mean-spirited, and can be demeaning. It is almost impossible not to think that this is me. That somehow I deserve all of this. I hope my daughter will never ever have a man in her life who behaves this way. It is truly the worst.

I really appreciate reading everyone's stories. They are like a weird mirror. Reading them I know this cannot be ok, and I'm taking strength to do what I have to do to get him out.

Jan 18, 2017
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Thank You
by: Betsy

Thank you. I know for certain my son doesn't love me. That is not why I support him. I have helped him because he doesn't seem to have many skills to earn a living in this world well. That and I do love him though I have distanced myself from him within myself.

I do have a very trustworthy counselor for several years that I see 1-2 a month. We usually talk about decisions for work projects or care for my mom. I have never told him how my son is behaving because I knew if I did that he would have to report it.

I will tell him now and hope he intervenes once he realizes how serious it is. I thought about it last night and think that is the best thing to do. I am sure he will help. Thank you very much for providing this site and your advice.

Jan 18, 2017
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To Betsy -- Yes, There Is Somebody Here
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hi Betsy

Your situation is very serious. I hope you will not just choose to die to resolve this. Your son is very sick emotionally and mentally, and so are you. As you said, you protect him at all costs.

You're not actually helping him at all by letting him stay in your home and abuse you. Please understand that. This is not love...this is your own mental and emotional dysfunction.

Please see a counselor for yourself as soon as possible. Also contact your local domestic violence hotline for advice and support. You can start by calling 1-800-799-7223. Their web site is thehotline.org/

Please take this action now. The only chance your son has to get better is if you put a stop to the abuse by protecting yourself...not him.

My best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

Jan 18, 2017
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Concerned
by: Anonymous

I don't know what to do to help my best friend. Her son is very abusive to her and I have been staying with her to help her because she doesn’t want her son and his wife here with her because her son is abusive to his mother and so is his wife.

He is pissed off at me because she had an accident the other day and I was sleeping. He left even though she yelled for him and he didn't hear her or he just didn't care. Now he demands me to leave her apartment and she doesn’t want me to go.

She told me and her friends that she fired him and wants her key's back but she never told him. I don't think she ever will tell him either but until she takes back of her life and her apartment. He will walk all over her.

She is in a wheelchair, lost the use of her left arm and hand from strokes and she lost her left leg from the knee down to her foot, so she needs help with taking care of herself and her apartment. Her son and his wife are both getting paid to work for her but she doesn’t want them in here because of the abuse. She said she was going to fire them both tonight but of course she never did.

I don't know what to do. I don't know who to call to report the abuse. It got so bad tonight that he threw my purse away in the dumpster and by the time he told his mother that I need to go and get it that someone else had took it out of the dumpster and he knew that I kept all my meds in that purse. Why would he even throw it in the dumpster in the first place?

So I called the police and told them what he did and that pissed him off even more at his mother and she is afraid of what he is going to do when I do leave her alone. He and his wife have come into his mother’s apartment and broken things and punched holes in the walls and doors to his mother's apartment and she can't defend herself against either one of them. Please help us. Thank you very much.

Jan 17, 2017
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Anybody Here?
by: Betsy

I am a single mom. My husband died a few weeks after our son was born. My husband was much older than me.

I stayed at home to work after having my son though had been very ambitious in the past. I went to a University for more education and frequently took my son. I fed him organically. I breastfed him until he was 18 months. My mother and I moved to a farm where we kept many sweet animals but still close to town. I took my son to Waldorf school and stayed with him as he had some anxiety. After some weeks he didn't like it at all so took him to a living school.

I didn't date. I worked from home while my son slept. I made sure he had access to things like being in social groups, performing in plays, art groups etc.

My son is 21 now. He is living with me. He goes to school and is an honor student. He is an artist who has sold a few pieces.

Today I am quite ill after a few days with the flu and resting. I asked my son if he could take my dog for a walk because have been in bed all day. My son's reply was "what the ---- is wrong with you? How do you get sick? You don't go anywhere you lazy sack of ----. I hope you die. My life will be 80% better when you die". Then he went to his room which is the master in my house and slammed the door.

I pay for everything. He has little to no ability to survive in the world as it is now in America without suffering and I am losing hope that he will amount to much as a human being inside his heart and his character let alone in the world. He is doing well in school but doesn't appear it is much of a money making degree.

He has put me in the hospital a few times for a sternum punch, beating me badly, and a panic attack from his behavior. Those times I only went because I had no choice was so injured and never told them who did it to me.

The police have been here to remove him for violent behavior due to a one time drug use that was obsessive. They had to basically hog tie him then put him on a stretcher and cover his face in a bag. I went to the hospital with him where he was cuffed hands and feet to a hospital bed. I stayed with him and told the police it was a one time accidents investing and they recognized that having been into my nice home and meeting me.

I protect him at all costs.

I will stay in the world for my animals and dear friends but a huge part of me wants to go to heaven where am sure my husband went. What do I do?

Jan 13, 2017
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Verbally And Physically Abusive 36 y.o. Homeless Son
by: Anonymous

My son is also abusive. 2 years ago police took him to be mentally evaluated. The doctors said Asperger's and a mood disorder. Could not get him to follow up when home…no insurance, and that bill was over $17K.

He continued to be easily angered and blame me for everything wrong in his life. I won't let him finish his grand plan for internet business in the last 2+ years. He doesn't drive because I never bought him a car.

He never left the house, always at computer. Last August he was arrested after shoving me into cabinets and head locking me on a chair. Police let him go on recognizance to wait for charge from state and he has been at homeless shelter.

I now find out he has warrant for arrest on domestic assault charge from state. He has no clue. I don't know if to tell police where he is, or if the city will serve, since arrest was in another county outside city.

I put money on debit card for him. He can purchase bus tickets for getting around in the city and going to library or to eat, etc. He would never get a job when told to, as his "fortune" is his online business.

He has no friends and is not close to relatives. He says nasty things about his sister and me and relatives. I feel awful as he is pressuring me to bring him home to the computer so can go on with business ideas.

Always makes me sad when I talk to him and he sounds so down. He didn't learn the first time he was taken away. He blames me for keeping him away from the computer and everything else.

I paid for all the stuff he used when here, but he thinks it's not fair that he has no access to it now. He has begun to say he isn't eating much although he usually has the money on debit and shelter has 3 meals a day. But it’s not always what he wants, so he goes to fast food.

His food stamp allotment is over this month so he would need more of debit money to buy grocery store food. Hot food is limited to mealtimes at shelter. No way to heat anything he buys at the store.

I am a 70 y.o. widow and on S.S. as my only income. How do I get over feeling like such a terrible mother? I expect next he will say he has no reason to eat or go on living as he has said in the past.

Sometimes I feel like dying but also have a daughter to think of and be here for.

From Dr. DeFoore

Stay the course. You're doing the right thing. Ultimately, the only chance your son has is to find and make his own way in the world. If your help was the answer, he'd be okay by now. Let him go, and stop helping. I know this is hard, but it's the tough part of love.

My best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

Jan 06, 2017
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How Do Others Set Boundaries?
by: Anonymous

My story is similar to others' here. My husband is sick in hospital (cancer). I worked all day today, left work, went straight to the hospital, went shopping, came home and kissed my son hello. He is jobless and 22.

He emptied the dishwasher because he'd left the kitchen in a mess the night before. I walked into the kitchen to find the top basket of the dishwasher on the kitchen table. I have asked him not to do this as the dishwasher basket never goes back correctly and often gets jammed. I have to jiggle it in and out and it drives me mad.

He questioned why I wouldn't want him to take the whole top basket out. As I answered, he (as he always does) shouted over me. Calling it ****ing mental and that I was not normal. I said don't speak to me like that, please.

He carried on screaming and shouting (really blew up so quickly) as I walked away. I sat in the sitting room wanting to cry, but I calmly said, stop speaking to me like that and he shouted out you are ****ing mental and went up to his room.

How do I kick this selfish, rude, entitled young man out of my house? He has nowhere to go, no job and no money. He is a classic example of someone who has failed to launch, yet I don't know what to do! What is the first step?

From Dr. DeFoore
Please read the other stories and comments on this web page. You will find an answer to your question. Other parents have dealt with this type of problem, and so can you.

Dec 13, 2016
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Verbally Abusive Mistrusting Adult Son
by: Kelly

I'm so grateful for this website. I was a single mom for most of my son's life. I had little-to-no support from anyone, least of all his biological father--or even my own family.

My son has been quite a challenge. He's severely bi-polar, has ADHD, Tourette Syndrome, and Oppositional Defiance Disorder. So he's basically extremely impulsive, often quite irrational in his mindset, and has always opposed everything I have ever said. I believe many of these traits are common with my mother and sister, but neither have been officially diagnosed.

My mother was verbally and physically abusive toward me. A few years ago when my son was 17, she, my sister, and my ex-husband conspired to take my son out-of-state to live with my sister. My sister's ex-husband picked him up from my house in the middle of the night while I was sleeping. The reason was "you guys needed a break from each other" because he and I were arguing...as per usual.

I had previously told my sister when she asked that I didn't want him going to her house because I felt he needed to get a summer job so he could learn to have another authority figure besides myself. Long story short, he disrespected her at her house, and she sent him home.

Then, it got bad again, and I sent him to live with my ex-husband because now he had the attitude that, "I'm considered an adult so you can't tell me what to do" (even in my own home). Then they got into fights--a few physical ones, and his dad sent him back.

Then after a couple years, my son conspired with my sister again to go back to her house (she offered to buy him a car, and said he wouldn't have to pay rent--which I required him to do--$250/mo.). Since he's now 20 and was being quite belligerent, I let him go live with her.

Our relationship has always been strained, but he has matured a little bit, which has helped. However, he holds a grudge toward me about his perception of things that he believes were abuse that were not, and mistrusts everything I say even when it's something that is a completely ridiculous issue (to me), such as how long I dated his biological father. (He recently contacted him for the first time and his biological father gave a completely different story of what happened between us.)

My question is since I know my son's thought-process is irrational, despite being on meds for the afore-mentioned disorders, do I stop talking to him because of his accusations and verbal abuse? For how long? I don't want to destroy what's left of our relationship, and he always apologizes, but then does it again.

It's really hard because he's so immature still and I'm not sure how much he can/cannot control. He also has my sister, mother, and ex-husband right there telling him what a 'horrible person' I am, constantly trying to turn him against me more than he already is. They feed off drama.

I do not speak to my mother or sister anymore after they "abducted" him. It was the final straw. But they have told him horrible lies (or their irrational beliefs--not sure) about me over the years and play 'Good Cop' making me the bad cop, so it always validates his thoughts and actions.

We are not estranged, but part of me thinks maybe we should be for a while--but then what if I lose him for good? Shouldn't a mother do everything in her power to keep those ties? (Not judging anyone…)

Please help!

Thanks,

Kelly

Dec 12, 2016
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To Jean - Author of "My Heart Aches..."
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hi Jean

I know you are grieving over this sad loss...hopefully not permanent.

There are some good things to focus on. Your husband stood up for you, and as painful as the outcome has been, you are setting the necessary boundaries to protect yourself.

But I know this is at a great cost to you. Just know, that from my perspective as a counselor with over 40 years of experience, you are doing the best thing for all concerned.

Nothing is worth the price of abuse.

My very best to you and your family,

Dr. DeFoore

Dec 09, 2016
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My Heart Hurts to the Breaking Point
by: Jean

My 30 year daughter-in-law went into a tirade and for the 4th or so time this fall, sending me a very caustic and hateful text message.

She doesn't agree with how we treat my 35 year old daughter and my son in law (whom she just hates). They have had a very tough time, he just out of rehab but they are seriously trying their best. The DIL blames me for things that go wrong, like my grandson (her son's) poor dental health. One has to walk on eggshells around her-can't disagree or it is a problem.

I have tried to talk to my 33 year old son (her husband) but he swears at me and says I am 'always the victim' and the conversations go nowhere-mainly illogical ranting. My 2nd husband who is 70, 5 years my senior, finally returned her text telling her she was unable to get along with people evidenced by her sporadic and drama filled work life and that she wasn't welcome here at the house. That has meant we are now totally cut off from the 5 year old and 2 year old grandchildren even though we live in the same town, and no telling what they have told them.

She texted me that I was a bad example for the grandchildren because of my daughter and son in law (who have two beautiful little girls age 7 mos and 2-1/2 yrs). And my son doesn't see anything wrong with that, but has taken offense to my husband's text to her-it was the first time he intervened but was sick of hearing them abuse me.

My heart is broken, but I can no longer stand the abusive behavior. It is sad because the DIL's parents live 5 doors from us, so I know when the grandchildren visit and I start crying every time I see them.

My son is extremely bright, but has severe ADHD and has always had a temper problem. I am going to change my will so he will have to deal with my husband and my daughter if I die, and I may sound petty, but I don't want the DIL to have any of my money or assets.

I don't see how things could get any worse or any better, but I refuse to be abused anymore. I miss the grandchildren (and my son) terribly.

Nov 14, 2016
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My Son In His 20's Is Verbally Abusive
by: Anonymous

I have a son I adopted at birth whose parents were drug addicts, and the family had some mental issues I discovered after the adoption. I also recently found out a close adult relative he was close to was allowing him to smoke marijuana with them when he was a teen.

Their relationship deteriorated when the relative stopped smoking because of their job and started criticizing him for smoking and started calling him foul names and making statements about him not being a blood relative. From there everything with him has gone downhill.

He stays angry and has become very abusive toward me and his siblings who are adopted as well. He yells, curses, tells me to shut up, and has punched holes in walls and doors. It doesn't take much from him to go from 0 to 1000 over the most minute thing.

After he calms down I am able to communicate with him, and he is remorseful about the episode until the next incident. Being around him is like walking on egg shells. He is living between his girlfriend’s home and in his car now. I am hoping counseling will help.

Oct 06, 2016
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Shock
by: Anonymous

I am shocked to find other people with the same problem. These posts leave me with my mouth open, they could be MY words.

My second son is now 42 years old. Doing well - stable marriage, fantastic father, and successful business, but chronically angry with me. Sarcastic, cold, hard, unforgiving.

His father and I were divorced when this child was 13 years old and his brother 15. We had a good relationship after the divorce. Drug abuse in his late teens and early adult years led to short term memory loss and verbal abuse. I watched this beautiful, loving, sensible person change into a contemptuous and angry one.

He blames me for the divorce from his father, is terrified he will be financially responsible for me when I am old, judges me and gives me orders. I am (was) very close to his wife and two children. He refuses counselling. I have offered many times for us to sit and talk with a third person present - a professional or anyone of his choice, in any venue of his choice. He flatly refuses.

Recently he crossed a line, I lost my temper after 20 years of taking it. Now he tells me he is terminating his relationship with me and I must ask his permission to see his family. I am devastated. A little after that he sent sms messages to say I must just get over it and go back to normal. Unfortunately I have reached an inner point of "no more!" I have invited the family to come and see me any time and to stay in touch.

It is so painful not to see my daughter in law and two grandchildren. I look into my son's eyes and feel "this is not my son". Should I continue as if nothing has happened? Visit them, take the dogs for a walk the way I always have, babysit and transport the children the way I always have, sit and chat to my daughter in law the way I always have?

After he told me he has ended his relationship with me he sent an sms message to say it is not fair of me to dump the children and the dogs because of my issues with him. In other words I should continue to do everything I did before.

What am I supposed to do when I visit their house? Look the other way when he walks past? Smile a fake smile? Flatten myself against the wall? What if he never closes the gap? What if I never see my grandchildren again?

Am I doing the right thing? Please help!

Sep 10, 2016
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My 27 Year Old Son's Belligerence And Anger
by: Anonymous

My 27-year-old son is actually very fun-loving and caring, the class clown. But he has a wicked hostile temper. We have always been very close and he's gone overboard to lend a hand in past years. However, when life isn't going his way he takes it out on me.

He is a very large man with a deep booming voice, filthy language and honestly he scares me and I completely shut down when he behaves this way. I generally try to defuse the situation by speaking calmly but you can't get a word in edgewise and then he either hangs up or storms out. He usually defends himself later by telling me that I am the one that is "freaking out" and that I am a nag for simply asking him "let's talk about things."

He completely twists things around to make it look like his temper tantrum is my doing. I walk on egg shells when he's around because I am terrified he's going to have an outburst so I am quite sure I am not the instigator here. He is so completely out of control that I fear one day he may get into a situation with a serious outcome.

He has already done time in jail and has been in countless physical fights over the years. He knows I am very softhearted and that family is the most important thing to me in life. When these outbursts happen he does his best to ignore me afterwards and pretend that I don't exist which he knows hurts me very deeply.

In a nutshell we get along fine as long as I am smiling and happy and I don't do anything that may trigger him. I don't know what to do anymore other than tell him he's not allowed to speak to me that way, I have also asked him to leave my house on several occasions. He usually comes back but nothing really changes. We just go round and round.

He will not get help with his anger. I'm so tired of being the "bad mom" which is how he makes me feel.

Aug 19, 2016
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How Are Things Today With Those That Posted Earlier?
by: Anonymous

Many of the posts in this thread fit my situation with my 20 year old son exactly. I am locked in my room, my prison, for fear of being verbally attacked. It's been six years of this. I am a single parent. And, I am done.

I’m most curious about the poster who has a son the same age who she told to leave – and then he came back two days later and things had calmed down.

What are the statistics on kicking a defiant, abusive 20 year old son out the door? Is it forever? Do they ever change? Or -- as it seems to me from reading all of these posts -- that the abuse simply continues throughout their life.

For me, it is like the death of my son.

Aug 08, 2016
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To Jane...author of "Adult Abusive Son"
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hi Jane

Thanks for your comment, and asking your question here. It is clear that you care for your son, and I know this is very painful for him to be so abusive to you and his father.

You ask how you can get help for him...and that's the wrong question. If he gets help, it will only be because he chooses that for himself. You can't do anything to get him or anyone else to change.

You can, however, set clear boundaries in your relationship with him. Read about personal boundaries, and start taking care of yourself first. This will amount to your decision that if your son does not treat you with respect, he will not have the pleasure of your company.

As long as you continue to be around your son while he abuses you, you are basically telling him that his behavior is acceptable.

Make up your mind that you will be respected in all of your relationships, and then take the steps to make that true.

My best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

Aug 04, 2016
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Abusive Adult Son
by: Jane

I have a son who is 36 years old doing very well in his own business after I put him threw six years of pharmacy college.

He verbally abuses me, degrades me and insults me like there is no tomorrow.

He has asked my opinion about things and I tell him, and then he goes off on me. I am tired of taking his abuse. This is not the son I raised.

I believe he has a bipolar personality. How can I get help for him, for the way he does not respect me and his father, and stop the abuse he does to us?

Thank you, Jane

Jun 28, 2016
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Bi-Polar Adult 20 Year Old Son With Issues And Anger To Mom
by: Sad Mom

I have a 20 year old son, who was adopted by us at birth. There is some evidence that mental Illness was in his Birth family, Birth Mother had 4 children by age of 21, 2 with husband, and next 2 with boyfriend, while still married.

My son has a loving stable home, however due to some friend's tragedy he went off the deep end at 14, and was diagnosed bipolar and schizoaffective. He has had constant care, was institutionalized for 3 months and takes medication for these issues.

We were able to get him to graduate HS, start some college, but he was not able to complete even his first year of college. He is now in Adult Vocational/Trade school, doing ok, but refuses to study and apply himself.

The worst is how he treats us, especially his mother, with anger, cursing (the worst ever possible). He steals tools, cameras, his mother's jewelry.

He broke his car twice, so he has no car, even when he does use ours, he uses all the gas and trashes our cars. Also he is very racist and against all others and police. He has some other sexual issues.

He still sees a therapist who has been with him since 15, and is on a lot of medication. So what now? How do we get him to conform? He seems to not understand consequences.

Is there any tough love or removing him from house when he is on medication to keep him level?

I (Mom) feel abused, depressed and a prisoner in my home with his behavior.

Any ideas anyone?

Please help.

Jun 10, 2016
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My Son Won't Leave My Home
by: Anonymous

My 28 year old son has now lived in my house for the past 10 years, on and off, since finishing university. He never keeps a job for more than a few weeks, he hates everyone, and thinks the whole world is against him.

He seems to hate me. Whenever I say anything to him he thinks I am either criticizing him, trying to control him or making him feel bad about himself.

He is breaking my heart and I now do anything to avoid going home. He says he won't leave my house as he can't afford it.

I have offered him money to leave, but he refuses. I am about to retire, and want to enjoy my retirement, but I dread being at home and cannot invite friends home in case he kicks off.

How can I get him to leave without being eaten up with guilt?

May 18, 2016
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Parental Alienation - The Evil Culprit
by: Anonymous

My 19 year old son became abusive at age 14. However, the problem escalated during the course of 12 years. He was gradually alienated from me due to his father's custody battle which started when he was six.

Parental Alienation plays a significant role in the blame, a total rejection and denigration campaign against the rejected parent. I'm a single mom, and when I do see him, the abuse is unbearable. From one visit to the next, he shifts from kindness to insults, eye rolling, arrogance and belittling the next time I see him.

The underlying threat always seems to be, "tip toe around me, or I'll abandon you." In the end, the tragedy always lies in having to make an impossible choice. To endure the abuse is not possible. To let him go seemed impossible too.

He's my son. He's the son who was once my little boy with a kind character and a deep bond toward me. Still, I chose to let him go. No one deserves to be abused. I don't know what the future will bring, but at least I know that in the present, as heart-wrenching as this choice may be, my self-worth and self-respect have to come first.

I have to save myself and hope that sooner or later, he'll approach me with a kind heart and find his mother again. For now, I'm sending him off with love.

May 04, 2016
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Adult Son With Three Children I Want To Protect
by: Anonymous

I feel I am living in 3 different soap operas at the same time. My son is 26, always had a temper. Counseling, self-medicating, etc. He has 3 children. The now 6 year old girl told my son that her mom's boyfriend abused her, this was last year (Jan 2015) when she just turned 5.

Of course, we had emergency services, and we go to trial in July. He has filed for custody. He lives with a woman, who is just as verbally abusive as him. They lost their 8 month old son in July, 2015. They have a 3 year old girl and now a 5 month old boy (she was pregnant again when other son died). Also she has a 6 year old that lives with his dad.

I cannot do anything right in their eyes, I play 'favorites' per them. The past 24 hours have been nothing but verbal, foul, hateful abuse. The problem I have is I am the only stability my 6 year old sexually abused granddaughter has. But I cannot go on like this with him.

I talked to her therapist yesterday, she feels he is self-medicating again. I left his biological father when he was 2, and he turned out just like him, sight unseen.

I'm not the best mom, but I do not deserve this abuse.

May 04, 2016
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Out Of Control Abusive Son
by: Anonymous

I have been very verbally abused. My adult son is so full of hate it is heartbreaking.

I am trying to get over his tirade from 2 years ago, but it whirls round and round, day and night in my head. I feel like killing myself following the realization of how much he hates me.

He has a sort of split personality, it seems. He lured me into to a false sense of overwhelming love just to lash out unexpectedly.

I am trying to remove myself from the thoughts now, and worry about his children whom I am not allowed access to for 15 years, even when he was coming around.

It is a total mystery. But that is my lot in life, I have to live with it.

Apr 29, 2016
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To the author of "My Adult Son Reneged..."
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hello - You may not be able to do anything about this, since you put the property in your son's name. But consult with an attorney to be sure whether you have any rights regarding the mobile home.

I think that's your next best step at this point. You can find some free legal advice by just searching online with the search terms, "free online legal advice"

Good luck!

Dr. DeFoore

Apr 25, 2016
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My Adult Son Reneged On Our Agreement
by: Anonymous

I bought and paid for a mobile home. I let my son come to stay until he found a place. I hid it once in his name, temporarily. We agreed to switch it back to my name, when I was ready. He reneged on our agreement.

It’s still in his name, and now he doesn’t want me there at all. He’s very rude, keeps threatening to throw me out, and runs my guests off if they stop by. He calls the shots and treats me like the child. I’ve told him there are laws about this, but he keeps threatening to put me in a home.

I take care of myself, and I’m completely independent. I need someone to remind him he can’t just throw me out because he doesn’t want me there. I know there are laws. Please help. Thank you.

Apr 14, 2016
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I Stood Up To My Son's Verbal Abuse With A Positive Outcome
by: Anonymous

My adult son who is normally lovely - has, or had on several occasions completely over-reacted to something I have said or done that under normal circumstances would never have provoked such an abusive verbal reaction.

These confrontations really shocked me. He did apologize and explained that at the time he was dealing with other issues at work and other stuff. This happened later, when he had sorted out the real problem and in his eyes everything was fine. He saw that the way he had spoken and shouted at me had really upset me.

I am now almost 70 years of age, retired and living alone. I said that as much as I love him and all my children, I will not put up with being spoken to and shouted at in that way, and that it was totally unacceptable.

I wanted him to realize just how much he had upset me. Eventually, he realized that whereas to him it was just a 'temper tantrum,' to me it was very distressing and upset me for several days.

I do think that in these situations you should not just ignore it. Wait a few days and then make time to talk it through calmly.

I said that I am always here to support him - but I will not be used as a whipping boy. He did get the message and the situation has never been repeated. Our relationship is really good now.

Apr 13, 2016
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To the author of "Out Of Control 21 Year Old..."
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hello, and thank you for asking for help here. Your situation is very challenging, but I assure you that there are solutions. You do not have to remain a victim to this abuse.

I know you love your son, but it is not a loving act for you to allow him to continue to live in your home and abuse you.

I suggest you visit this web site and call their crisis hotline number. They will help you find help/support in your area. That's what they are there for...but you have to take the action.

Remember...the most loving thing you can do for your son is to get him out of your home. The reason for that is that your current situation is deteriorating, and at a deep level he is filled with self-loathing, or he would not be treating his own mother like this.

You can do this...believe in yourself and take action.

My best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

Apr 12, 2016
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Out Of Control 21 Year Old Son
by: Anonymous

I am 55, a single mother and disabled. My son, who has never wanted for anything, seems to think it is appropriate to belittle, ignore, degrade and swear at me. He has no friends. He didn't get a license or a job until last summer.

It doesn't matter what I do or say I am wrong. He refuses to clean up after himself. He has put holes in walls and even broke my bedroom door coming after me, because he got a medical bill he was not happy with. He is completely disrespectful and just plain mean.

I am single because I refuse to be abused by a man again. But, now I am being abused regularly by my own child. It makes it very difficult to have any kind of life or happiness living this way. My other two boys are not like this. They have spoken to him about it. They can't get him to change at all.

I have told him several times to respect me or get out of my house. He just swears at me and shuts his bedroom door. I cannot continue in this manner. I have several health issues as well as chronic depression. I just don't know what to do anymore.

He won't change and he won't leave. He will not allow me to be who I am without degradation. What do I do and how do I go from here. It is just so depressing and I spend a lot of days crying. And he even makes fun of me for that.

Mar 18, 2016
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Selfish 39 Year Old Son
by: Anonymous

I have a very selfish 39 year old son. I have been in physical pain and begged him to take me to the hospital. He flatly said no.

He tells me he only does what he wants, when he wants. His wife has told him how poorly he treats me and he tells her he doesn't care. He treats his mother-in-law’s dogs better than he does me. He calls me nasty names and I am only allowed to say positive things. If I say I am ill he says that's not positive and hangs up.

Yet he says whatever he wants and when I say he is not being positive he tells me I am wrong. My heart is so broken. I have to walk on egg shells around him. All he does is tell me I am wrong.

I am 67 and have a disability. I am not "allowed" to ask for help from him because it's not positive. Who lives in positive fantasy all the time? Life is not always positive. I wish I could just drop dead. Maybe then he might see the errors of his ways, but I doubt it.

Mar 10, 2016
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19 Year Old Know It All
by: Anonymous

Wow! After reading your stories, you all have clearly defined my now 19 year old about 13 years when he was about 6. At that age, he was ADHD and was ok when he took his meds, but I could not keep him in a stable elementary school because the teachers did not know how to handle him. Me being a single mom, raised his younger brother by the same standards as the first.

By the grace of God, the younger is graduating HS and was accepted into a local university to study nursing. My 19 year old just got his GED. The stories I could share with you about the 19 year old. However, I am in the present with this larger than life, know-it-all and I know nothing. Worse, he is behaving a lot like your 23 and 28 year old's that I have read about on this blog. This means I need to nip his behavior in the bud now. Fortunately, my fiancé can afford to rent him his own place where he lives with his HS sweetheart of 4 years. Yet, he still feels that he can come over and rant, rave, verbally abuse and push me whenever he feels.

So I told him not to come over again for 60 days. We enjoy family dinners -- not family feuds! Now my oldest is ticked with me, blows my phone up, texting non-stop, wanting me to take blame for the argument (which I did under duress so he could move on). It's like if I have to spend another 25 years the way I have spent the last 13 he is higher than the crap he is toking! He has already threatened that he does not want his children around me --- you know what? He does not have any yet!! To some regard, if they are anywhere close to how he behaved growing up he is doing me a favor! One less anxiety attack!

When he came in the house this past Sunday for a "family lunch with my 70 yr old parents", I could tell when he entered the house --- something heavy came along with him that I could not see -- only feel. Within 1 1/2 hours, I had to ask him to leave before there was a physical fight. That is when the non-stop text messages starting blowing up my phone and I had to cut it off. Ignoring him seemed to tick him off more -- guess I need to remember that tactic.

It has been 3 days and we have not spoken. He sent me an email yesterday letting me know he was cancelling his lease on his house. Not exactly sure what he wants to accomplish by doing that? However, there is "no room in the inn" at this house. I remember dating a guy that was controlling, and somehow would manage to twist the truth in a way that only he could believe it. The way I managed him was by keeping my distance, being nice, but not encouraging -- eventually, he found another woman to torment.

It is like he had a method or circle or something to where he was not happy unless some kind of drama was in his life. I saw it with his son, his mother, his ex-girlfriend, toward my sons when they were younger --- like a cycle of some sort. Maybe your sons too have a cycle which seems normal to them. It goes something like this: Friendly -- then something is said that triggers agitation in them and they start to become irritated -- his voice my start to raise because now he has taken offense to what you said -- you try to explain then they think you are calling them a liar or you are disrespecting them -- then you try to explain more or walk away -- then they follow you and push you, curse you --- yep. Describes one of the guys I have dated many years ago.

Guess this means I need to disengage my son the way I disengaged that bad date. Trying to win an argument or stance with my son is like trying to convince the KGB you are not a spy under tormenting circumstances. Moot point. Finally, I told him to go be lobbyist, make a sign and walk somewhere holding up, go sit on the steps of Washington, call your congressman --- just go do something so someone can help you. I am not the person who can.

Well, I guess to say this... it looks like instead of a 6 year old giving me fits in school --- I have a 19 year old millennium that should have been raised during the Woodstock era. I am 50 years old and way too old for this crap. From the sounds of it, things are not going to change much going forward unless there is divine intervention. He is a Christian --maybe I should start responding to his behavior the way Jesus would --- along with setting up boundaries! Thank you guys for this site. For years I felt all alone and it is nice to be able to vent to someone who can actually relate. Hope I have not offended anyone in this post. Godspeed to you all.

Mar 08, 2016
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To the author of "I've Had It..."
by: Dr. DeFoore

Good for you. Now, be sure you follow through with your plan. You'll have to set clear and consistent boundaries with your son, so that he no longer takes advantage of you or abuses you.

It will help you to read about personal boundaries here.

My best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

Mar 07, 2016
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I've Had It With My Son And His Temper
by: Anonymous

My 26 year old son just left my home after calling me several vulgar names, flipping me off because I didn't take him where he needed to go this morning.

Mind you I texted him early this morning letting him know that I wasn't feeling well and I was going back to bed.

I informed him this is verbal abuse and as far as I'm concerned it's elder abuse also. This has been going on for years. I have had it.

No one should be subjected to this kind of treatment by anyone. I am not taking it any longer.

Mar 01, 2016
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My Son Is Verbally Abusive To Me & Won't Stop
by: Worried Mother

My son is 27 and doesn't live with me. He talks to me everynight as he drives his bike to work and every morning coming home. He complains and yells at me the entire time. He tells me I am awful and was a horrible mother. He yells vulgar obsentities even though he is on a public street. When I hang up he threatens to remove his love and never call again. He gets angry when I don't call him or when I have to hang up after an hour of talking because I very often am sick and have fatigue due to an illness. He has even gotten hit by a car from not paying attention because he was cussing me on the phone. I worry about him because he does have a mental illness and a past history of abuse but I can't keep living like this. What do I do?

Feb 15, 2016
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Adult Son Hurting And So Is His Mom
by: Anonymous

Sadly, I can identify to a number of these stories as my 30 something only son is emotionally and verbally abusive to me. My ex and I separated when he was only 13/14 and he then became rebellious. His father and I made the decision to put a PINs petition for him when he was 15 as would not go to school and was verbally abusive.

As a single Mom I try in the mornings to get him up for school, to no avail. Went to work stressed to the max, don't know how I survived as a single parent with no help from my ex, bit I did, kept our home, welcomed his friends and tried to build a relationship for him and his father to be together. That never worked.

Skip ahead several years, 3 grandchildren whom I love dearly, 19, 17, and 8 and who have all witnessed the hatred that my son seems to harbor. I know I overcompensated for the lack of his father's relationship. Gave all I could. I bought his 1st car at 16 and at least 3 or more over the yrs. This evening was a mega fight and both of my youngest grands had to witness and I am so sorry about.

I totally lost it and told him to leave my home, he did but in a tirade. I know I have to be strong when he finally calls me again, and say no. I watch my 8 year old grand on the weekends when he works but I just can’t continue any longer as I am drained and am mentally, emotionally, and financially kaput. The only thing keeping me going is my spirit which at the moment is a little down, but will come back stronger.

I pray for guidance and know I was the best Mom I knew how to be, not perfect, as none of us are. I offered to go to a counselor for family communications and he has refused, so be it. My heart has a big hole in it but I need some peace or I will make myself sick. You always feel you are the only one, but I take some comfort in knowing I am not alone and will keep you all in my thoughts and prayers.

Stay strong ladies, and bless you all.

Dec 20, 2015
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To the Author of "31 Year Old..."
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hello

Yours is not an easy road. You have chosen to take custody of your granddaughter, so there's no question about that relationship and your responsibility.

Your son and daughter, however, are adults. The longer you treat them as dependents, the worse things will get. In my 42 years of professional counseling experience, this is always what I have seen.

Regardless of their problems, they need to fend for themselves. That's the only chance they have for making it in the world...and there are no guarantees.

My suggestion is that you do whatever it takes to get them out of your home, even if it means moving yourself and your granddaughter to another residence.

Then, make up your mind to only spend time with people (family included) who are respectful and kind to you and your granddaughter.

You can do this...but it's going to take some boundary setting first.

Believe in yourself, and make the next best step. Trust in your own wisdom.

My best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

Dec 18, 2015
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31 Year Old Ex Addict & Type 1 Diabetic
by: Anonymous

My son has always been prone to outbursts that almost always include bad language and physical threats and often physical abuse. He loves his 4 yr. old niece and spends countless hours playing with her and being an all-around great uncle.

Occasionally, he loses control of his temper and gets into loud and abusive rants with his sister, the mother of my granddaughter. He is horribly abusive to her about her bad parenting. I as her grandpa have had permanent custody of my Granddaughter.

I have raised her since birth as my daughter, (the 4 yr. old’s biological Mom). She is incapable of caring for her child and is in and out of her life with a terrible addiction to alcohol. I shield my little 4 yr. old doll from the BS those two start, but tonight the volume of the fight and the extent of the physical part got out of hand.

I can't take it anymore, I just can't! He is sick with diabetes type 1 and she has terrible mental issues. I don't know what to do, and I'm so sad. My own health is taking a turn for the worse as a result. Please impart some words of wisdom to me as I am close to the edge. Thank you in advance.

Oct 10, 2015
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What Just Happened?
by: Zoohouse

I have 2 grown sons that I have always been proud of. I admit that their father and I were quite strict with them as they grew up, but not abusive. I was raised in a physically, mentally and sexually abusive home, but was determined to break the cycle. I left home at 18 to go into nursing training and found the psychology courses very helpful in teaching how to set boundaries and communicate. My ex-husband and I had a tumultuous relationship, with a fair bit of anger exampled admittedly. After 23 years of marriage my husband left, and our sons 15 & 19 stayed with me. Just about that time I lost my only brother to cancer, and went into a deep depression. I went into counselling and started anti-depressants and after a year got back onto my feet emotionally. During this time I allowed my oldest son to live with me and pay $500/mo. which I put in an account for his education. His father and I were able to talk and coparent with little problem, but at that time his father asked him to move in with him and pay him $500/mo. so that he could afford a house with a garage for his antic car, in exchange for allowing him to have girls over night as he wished, which not allowed in my home.
I wasn't pleased but realized that my son was an adult and could make his own decisions. Years went by and I watched him work at a very good paying job, that I knew wasn't challenging him. He complained often that he would go insane with boredom, but I told him to save and go to university then. He lived the high life going to parties, taking a couple of expensive vacations a year, and basically rack up debt instead of savings. After 5 years I told him that I was going to give him one more year to go back to school and if he didn't spend the money that I had kept for him on myself, as he didn't seem all that interested in furthering his education and I was not giving it to him to party away. I had scrimped and saved to support him that year and support his younger brother and pay the mortgage.
That seemed to do the trick and he went into paramedic training and he seemed to really be enjoying that, but did have some dept to deal with inspire of the money that I gave him. I had remarried, but that only lasted 4 ½ years and I was on my own again with a huge debt incurred in that marriage. I have never found it difficult to save, as being in the outdoors is pretty much all the entertainment and holiday that I need. My son did see that I was extremely lonely and moved in with me to help with the chores and give me company. I did not ask for room and board as I wanted him to pay off his debts. We got along well, but we lived pretty independently of each other. At one point my ex-husband called saying that since our youngest son's wedding our oldest had seemed extremely angry and had shut him out. About this time my son had decided that he wanted to go out on his own and move in with some friends and I was doing a whole lot better. We sat down and talked as I helped him pack and he expressed that he had felt very suppressed for lack of a better term, growing up and had decided that he wasn't going to hold back anymore. He was angry at his father as he didn't feel that he was involved enough. I admitted that we had been harder on him while he was growing up and that I was sorry that I hadn't done better. I recognized that I struggled for much of my married life due to depression, and probably was very difficult to live with. He said that he had noticed a huge change and improvement in me after starting the anti-depressant and felt much more comfortable being around me. So what is the problem?
In the last year there have been a lot of changes in his life. I had remarried a 2 years prior to a man that he really liked and respected, only to discover that he had developed ALS a devastating neurological wasting disease. My son became very angry at the time and turned his back "on a god that would allow such a horrible thing to happen." My husband and I have actually managed very well, mostly because of our faith and that he is an amazing man who finds happiness in just about any circumstance. My son bought a house with a friend, and a year ago met the girl he is still with to this day, but I have seen him get increasingly sullen and started posting quite profane things on Facebook. The house they bought it pretty much a frat house where they party hard very often. He took another job that pays more in another field but takes him out of town. When he is back in town he works with the ambulance to keep his skills up. I am very proud of how hard he is working and have told him and written him to that affect. But at one point he put something on FB that I found extremely insulting to my faith and embarrassing with its profanity. I did not confront him there but tried to call him unsuccessfully, then texted him that I was disappointed that he had chosen to put something like that on FB, and that the facts were even incorrect. Almost immediately I received a tirade and called a Troll among other things. I was told that he didn't want to hear anymore of my Christian BS and if I said anything more while he was visiting that he would cut me out of his life. When I texted that I found that very hurtful, he made fun of my feelings and accused me of being dramatic and to "pick the pieces of my broken heart up, and try and get some sleep."
He did text the next day that he felt bad for what he said, and could not stand the thought that his mother was sad because of him, and would hate a life with out me in it. He would talk with me again when got his thoughts together. Weeks went by and I called him to let him know that his promised birthday present had finally arrived and could he come and pick it up. He did, giving me a very long strong hug, but did not bring up the conversation. A couple of weeks go by and I am trying to make plans for what will probably be my husband's last Christmas, and there is problems with his 4 kids as the 2 oldest do not get along. When his oldest son starts yelling and swearing about his older sister I tell him that we will not tolerate the tone, the profanity, and utter lack of respect of his father and or sister. He hung up, and called my son, and the next thing I know I am being berated by my son again, but this time he is saying horrible things about me. He completely reversed all that he had always said about me in the past including things that he had even defended me of. Saying that I deserved all the abuse that I had had and that I was unbearable to be around, and that include all of my family. I had ruined his life, pushed him down, made his father's life unbearable and was showing the ultimate in stupidity by being a Christian, all the while using the most foul language he could, knowing that I had put up with that with my father and would not allow it in my home. Finally his rant came to a fever pitch, I was in tears and he hung up. I have not heard from him since, and my heart is heavy with rejection. Two of my sisters have visited or called as they often do and reassured me that what he said was not true, and the enjoyed being with me. I have been doing a lot of research on line about why adult children become abusive and what I might have done to contribute to the situation, but I am finding it all very confusing and circular. I would love to suggest family counselling but am my husbands only care giver, and he is now a quadriplegic and on a ventilator, getting out of the house once a week for groceries is difficult.

Sep 27, 2015
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Too Old For This
by: Anonymous

We have a 55 yr old son who is living with us. He is a verbal abuser, and controller of the worst kind. He was not abused as a child. His father is a gentle man. Maybe too gentle.

My husband worked three jobs to get our son through the very best law school. Five years ago we learned our son who was by now very successful, had been stealing. This from a man who earns a million dollars a year. He was caught, and incarcerated. His wife divorced him, and there is constant turmoil over the grandchildren. He wants to manage every phase of our ability to see the grandchildren, therefore we do not see them.

We allowed him to live with us after he served his time. The verbal abuse that his father and I suffer are unbelievable. I can tell his parole officer, but that would mean he would need to return to prison. I really don't want to do that. We have asked him to leave. He refuses. He says he has no money. We are in our eighties.

We should not have to live like this. He makes threats against siblings. Are they real or bluster, I’m not sure. Just sure that his anger is somehow directed toward us, since his arrest, and incarceration. That's hard to understand, since he committed the crime. We have tried to help him in every way, but each day the situation grows worse.

Will this soon turn to physical abuse? We asked him to seek medical help, and he refuses. We are devastated, and bitter.

From Dr. DeFoore Take action now, instead of wondering if it's going to get worse. Report him to his parole officer, and let him take the consequences. These situations do not get better until the abuser is out of your home.

I wish you all the best,

Dr. DeFoore

Sep 21, 2015
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Abusive Son Who Is Married With 8 Month Old Daughter
by: Anonymous

My son is 23 and has been verbally abusive to me since he was 14. He now lives with his girlfriend and they have an 8 month old daughter. He is both physically and verbally abusive to his partner. She confides in me and I'm heartbroken. She wants him to leave but he won't go. He does nothing. All he thinks about is himself. I don't want my granddaughter growing up living in fear. The names he calls her are disgusting. And I know how she feels because that's what I used to get from him too. I want him to get help before it's too late but he blames everyone else for this. I have another son who is kind and thoughtful. I'm at my wits end with worry.

From Dr. DeFoore: Please be sure and read the other comments on this page, as well as my responses and recommendations. You do have some positive choices about how to deal with your difficult situation.

My best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

Sep 17, 2015
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I See Our Situation In Almost All Of These Stories
by: Anonymous

Looking for self-help I found this page. As I read each entry I would check boxes off in my head because the situations sounded similar to mine in regard to my difficult relationship with an adult child. So, even though I feel very much alone, I guess I am not.

The feelings of guilt, shame and embarrassment prohibit me from having a normal existence anymore. I was the very best parent I could possibly be to my son and his three siblings. My other children and I have very good relations but unfortunately my oldest son is a different story. He has always been very anxious, impulsive, quick to anger, explosive & aggressive. He played and excelled at sports growing up. He was also a good student and had many friends.

On the surface we are the all American family. Yet, that is far from reality. He is in his mid-twenties, lives at home and is trying to finish his degree. He has had physical problems of late, some of which are somewhat serious and require monitoring and follow up. We have seen many specialists and have more appointments planned for the near future - which in and of itself is stressful for him. He has also been having relationship problems with his on and off girlfriend of the past few years. So, those are the current issues. I understand he is not feeling well and is understandably distraught. I try with every fiber of my being to be patient, supportive and helpful. Yet, regardless, he works himself up into a daily tizzy and it never ends well.

For the life of me I don't know how he can feel unwell yet still have enough energy for daily hysterics. I am exhausted and at my wits end. When he isn't doing well, we all must be in agony right along with him. This is nothing new though, it has always been like this but only with different issues. His coping skills are poor and always have been despite years and years of trying to help him become mentally strong and self-sufficient. If you ever have read the definition of a narcissistic personality, the description fits him in every way. I cannot seem to do or say anything right.

No matter what angle I try with him it always ends in a blow up. I try to make myself scarce so that he doesn't go after me, but he finds me or calls repeatedly until I finally answer. Everything is always everyone else's fault, the world isn't fair etc. etc. etc. Anyone reading this will probably be checking off their own mental boxes too. There is no one in which I can confide because I do not want my friends or neighbors to know how bad things have become. He told me that I was a disappointment to him. That I should be able to fix his problems. He is angry that I am so weak that I cannot just take his wrath. What does he expect though? I feel totally beaten down.

Until I began looking for help I didn't realize parental abuse was even a thing. I told him that I just couldn't go on living on eggshells every moment. I am strong but I have my own share of problems that I never talk about - ever. Until this moment. I am watching my mother die slowly of Alzheimer’s. I am heartbroken and haunted by the image of her face frozen in a contorted and unnatural manner. I lie awake night after night feeling very sad and alone because the one person that would have been able to help me to make sense of him is laying in a nursing home laboring for each breath. I gave up my career to take care of my mother and family. Some who know my history tell me that I am "strong and inspiring". I am just regular, not exemplary or subpar, and that is ok.

I am simply a person that takes life as it comes and figure it out as I go. I try not to think too deeply about certain things and express gratitude for the positive things in life. I lived through losing a three year old son to pneumonia. I have Crohn's disease myself and despite being under control, still battle fatigue, sore joints and nausea. My life hasn't been perfect, but I have always tried to be upbeat and convey positive thoughts to my children.

After today's blow up I really felt done. I wanted to grab my keys and leave - to where I have no idea. The object was just to go as far away from the noise as possible. I sat in my car, parked in the garage with the door shut. I thought about turning on the ignition for a moment but then sat there for another hour in silence. I just needed to hear nothing - no yelling, no cursing, no screaming, no objects being thrown, chairs pushed over, and cabinets slammed or broken. Just peace. Fleeting as it was, it gave me a moment to realize that I have reached the end and now must make moves to save myself. I cannot be helpful to anyone if I am empty inside. I am thankful to have found this site.

Aug 12, 2015
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Afraid For His Safety
by: Anonymous

I am 54 yrs old, I have a son who is 34 yrs old, he is verbally and sometimes physically abusive. He has choked me and bit me in the past. He has put holes in the walls, damaged my appliance and my car. I see no way out. I have thrown him out, but allowed him back. Now I can't get rid of him. On the streets alone I'm afraid someone may kill him. I want him to go to Rehab.

Aug 05, 2015
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My Son is Bipolar and Abusive
by: Lynn

Our son is 37 and bipolar. Right now we're going through one of his melt downs since July 2, 2015. He's not on any meds.

We're retired and on a fixed income. Also my husband is a 100% disabled Vietnam vet due to Agent Orange. His ex-wife left him because of his abuse but I think she has forgotten that. She believes everything he tells her.

All he does is lie. He's told her we are not to be trusted with our 8 year old grandson. That we are out of control and crazy. We're very close to our grandson and I'm sure he's asking for us. The pain is incredible.

He yells at us and swears at us and calls us awful names. He's been like this since he was around 13. He needs us to survive and this is killing us to cut him off.

He has no car so we were driving him to work. Handling his money and taking him food shopping. We don't know what to do to help him anymore. Unless he decides he needs help there is nothing we can do. In the meantime we are cut off from our grandson.

May 12, 2015
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Despair
by: Anonymous

No matter what his Father and I do he seems to be irritated by our very existence. When my son was in hospital with viral meningitis his wife called us on my husband's birthday to inform us he was in hospital.

He has done this and other similar things before. Very spiteful with his words. I have chosen not to challenge him, hoping he would 'grow up' but at 32 this seems unlikely.

I asked how he was a week ago and why he hadn't replied to me. He hasn't called his father either. Again, I just get verbal abuse saying this is why he never tells me anything. I do not see him often, which is his choice. I never phone, his choice.

We try to keep the peace as we have a lovely grandson who is totally controlled in every way. His other grandma does babysit one day a week and says it is very difficult as they phone up and tell her off most weeks.

What to do? Please help.

Mar 01, 2015
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A Similar Story
by: Anonymous

Your story and so many of the other comments directly reflect what I have been going through. My only son began to express resentment and hatred towards everything in life when he became a teenager. He is now 33, wirh 2 children. I have struggled with the "What did I do wrong" question and always felt if I was only more understanding, he would change.

Embarrassment is huge, as he is a totally different person when around others. I feel as if people would judge me as the crazy one if I were to cut him out of my life.

I have bailed him out financially over the years, even most recently co-signing for his apartment lease.

I feel that by letting him go, I will be left paying the remainder of his lease (6 mo). I am retired now and on a fixed income. This would be extremely difficult to do.

I know that I can't take the stress of this toxic relationship any longer, however the financial and potential loss of access to my grandchildren consumes me and causes great sorrow.

Thank you for reading this.

Nov 30, 2014
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No diagnosis that fits all situations
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hello

In response to your question, there is no one diagnosis that would fit each individual, because many different types of problems can lead to young adults not leaving home, becoming independent, and becoming abusive to their parents.

The closest you can come to a diagnosis is by understanding the whole scenario of young adults "failing to launch." This book does a good job of explaining the problem and guiding parents on how to take steps toward resolution:

I strongly encourage you and other parents reading this to read this book. You don't have to be frustrated and helpless about this problem.

My best,

Dr. DeFoore

Nov 29, 2014
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Add me to the list!
by: Anonymous

Is there a diagnosis for these abusive adult children who display this unacceptable behavior? I have a 28 yr old who fits right in with all of yours. Is there an end to this insanity that isn't jail or hospitalization?

Nov 07, 2014
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Thank you for this
by: Anonymous

I too have a son (one of four children) who is quite unlike the others. He has always been quick to anger and sees others' actions as a direct attack. I have tried counselling and behavior therapy, all of which have left me frustrated. He and I are living in the same house with his 2 year old daughter.

His girlfriend got tired of the abuse and left him. And he isn't capable of caring for the child on his own. The sad part is that when he is not angry he is a very caring loving person, but the anger comes so quickly and the language is very upsetting.

Recently my son in law and daughter moved in during renovations to their home. This has caused even more anger and obviously my son is feeling inadequate but regardless of what I try to say he attacks me verbally.

I would like to have him leave, however my granddaughter would go with him and that would be a real problem so I am trying to figure out how to work with this situation.

Sep 01, 2014
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Everyone has the right to be respected and valued
by: Anonymous

I am so saddened to hear these stories. My husband and I are 60 years of age and found it the norm to be verbally abused by our younger adult son 22. This anger was not only towards us, but often he became very animated with anger, pacing, venting about his friends' deficiencies as well. When his elderly grandparents came to visit he was and is conversational and shows great respect, but when we were alone as a family he would incite an argument, or just be contrary.

I am a believer that if you show love and kindness, it will work itself out. But it doesn't, and I know just beneath the surface an angry demeanour is simmering. We went to a family counsellor once, it was expensive. The counsellor asked why we were there. We explained that we wanted to get together and talk with my sons to find out how we can find our way back to having a peaceful life again.

He turned to each son and asked what they wanted. The younger one shrugged mostly, but offered that he felt bullied by the older son, which later he admitted to us was not true. The counsellor, mostly guided my sons' responses by asking do they have enough privacy? Why don't they move out of the home?

They both study full time with only 1 working part time. I said to the counsellor I am concerned about the level of threat that the one son asserts to the other - that at times he says to him that he wants to kill him. The counsellor then looked at my son and said - then why don't you? (another shrug).

Then he launched into anecdotes about his own sons and he raised them alone etc. We came away thinking we had made a big mistake going there. Even my son laughs about the experience at our expense. Then one day after my husband fell ill, and without any consideration of my worry, my son's behaviour continued.

When I went to leave the room, he said, don't play the victim, now you want me to feel bad. Always the victim, mom! God must have had his hand on my shoulder, because I can be quite intimidated by him. I said - Leave! Pack a bag and go. Don't phone me, don't speak to me, just go. Today I don't care if you're a student or not, get a job and go back to your studies in a few years time - just go.

He was so shocked he did! When he returned 2 days later he was subdued and since the tantrums have become less. So for now, while my husband is recovering I have found strength to stand up to him I will keep doing what I need to do. The above person's advice is right. Set some ground rules and stick to them. Everyone deserves to be respected and valued.

Jul 02, 2014
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Thank you
by: CAS

I wish there was more research and resources for parents of abusive adult children. I can say from experience it's embarrassing, humiliating and shameful to have a son who can be so filled with rage. If I didn't have three other adult children who are not like this son, I would seriously question our parenting.

And still, we wrack our brains trying to figure out where we went wrong. It was so bad we considered a protection order but didn't follow through so as not to ruin his career.

Rightfully so, there is much info on child abuse, but it would be helpful if there was something professional about parent abuse. At a time we should be enjoying our retirement, It's become a nightmare. And more so when people look at us as if we are the perpetrators and not the victims.

I've had counselors say to me, "so, where do you think you went wrong?" And "what could you have done to make this turn out different?" I leave feeling beat up all over again.

So, thank you for shedding some light on this growing problem.

Kind regards to each of you.

Jul 02, 2014
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Broken Heart
by: Anonymous

I am an 81 year old woman who has just lost my youngest son age 49 to suicide. He was a beautiful person and a great son. My grief is beyond words. Because of his death, my oldest son has become not only verbally abusive toward me and his step-father, but physically abusive as well. Recently he wrote to me in the most hurtful words that I never expected to read. He has always been a person with a trigger temper and has been in many skirmishes because of it. Not only am I in such deep despair over the loss of my son, but I am so sad for my anger stricken son. It feels as if I have lost two sons. In my heart I feel that it is best to distance myself from him. This has made me so terribly, terribly sad. I'm not sure what is the right thing to do.
Thank you.

Response from Dr. DeFoore

I'm so sorry for your loss. And for the difficulty you're having with your other son. As sad as it is, you are correct about the need for distance. You do him no favors by allowing him to abuse you. And you do yourself and him a service by making sure it does not continue.

My very best to you in your time of grief.

Dr. DeFoore

Dec 06, 2013
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Abusive son
by: Anonymous

I also have a grown son with problems. He is blaming everyone else including me for his problems. He blows up and most recently physically hurt me and threatened to kill me. He called me names I would never repeat and he did it all to hurt me because he is unhappy with himself. I finally told him not to come back. To get help. I don't want to see him and don't want him to be around me or my grandchildren. I am afraid. I need to change the locks on my doors. I am going to find out how much it costs. Thanks for your website. God Bless all of us.

Jul 08, 2013
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only God is there to help
by: Anonymous

I'm mother of a 17 year old son. Recently we moved to Canada and he is an only child. He had a very calm and peaceful childhood. After 15, he started behaving very aggressive and violent. He doesn't listen to us. If you say something he starts making funny faces and uses abusive language. Most of the time he threatens to break walls and things. What to do with this boy. All day and night he is on Facebook and messaging on the phone. If I say something he won't listen.

Jun 12, 2013
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pain
by: linda

I have had abuse from my son for years he is now 28 with 2 young children,his temper is explosive at the smallest things, he swears and screams at me at the top of his voice in front of my friends family neighbours and strangers, and has me believing im the one at fault, I find myself questioning myself and thinking yes it is me, he thinks the world owes him, terrified of him. today I made the diction to totally put him out of my life and that alone is heart breaking to add to that I am told I cant see the grand children, but told him I wont allow him to use them to control me. to remove my pain I have inflicted even more pain upon myself. just wish I was stronger and not hurting so bad, my husband has passed away so hard doing this alone but my 2 other sons have also backed me up by taking him out of there life too [is this too much for him] guess this is a cry for help than a comment.

Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello Linda

It sounds like you have definitely done the right thing. Your sons that are backing you up would not be doing that if you were not on track. Your son that you can cut yourself off from needs to feel the natural consequences of his actions, and he needs to get the clear message from you that he either treats you with respect or he does not get to be with you or communicate with you. The pain you're going through is understandable. It is grief, and it's deep, because of what has happened. But it will pass over time, and the pain of continuing to allow him to abuse and manipulate you with his children would be ongoing, and it would get worse. Hang in there. You're on track, and it will get better.

My best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

Apr 08, 2013
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Abusive Adult Children
by: Anonymous

When I was a child, the abuse I went through was most definitely at the high end of the spectrum.

Now I am in a situation where my bf's adult son is calling the shots. I am not allowed in the house, or in the same room as him. He has threatened me, and I have threatened to call the police. I am actively looking for work; he smokes everything and plays online games all day.

You have heard it all before.

His father and I have talked it over and he is at his wit's end. He doesn't know what to do.

But I do. The key is to get out - at any cost, irrespective of the ties I might break. I don't care if the son "wins" or loses. I care about my own peace of mind. When you are doing your "business" in a bucket because you can't go in the house to use the toilet, you will know what I mean. Anything is an improvement.

I feel badly that I have let myself down after all these years, but at least I can do something about it now.

Feb 16, 2013
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Abusive Son
by: Anonymous

My problem is similar to many of the others I have read. I have a 30yo son who verbally abuses me. He is married with 4 kids. I have helped with the care of the 2 oldest for 11yrs. I used to have them every weekend. They were horribly abused by his ex and he has custody. I have put a distance b/w us before for a few months and he changed for a year. He has started the abuse again and I have cut off from him again. He is now more angry that ever and says he will see me at my funeral. I have ignored all his threats and to tell you the truth I'm really not caring to much if I see him at all. I do however feel sad about my 2 Grandies who have been abandoned by their mother and her family. I have told his wife she and kids r always welcome but I know he wont allow this. He is angry that I wont do weekend respite anymore. He always brings up the past and tells me I was a bad mum. This is his excuse to abuse me. What do u all think?

Apr 21, 2012
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Family Heartache
by: Anonymous

I have a abusive relationship with a grow granddaughter. My daughter never says a word when she is doing it. And when I do speak up, then her father and I are not included in get togethers. I stand my ground until my husband tries to make me the bad guy because he says he will not lose his girls (my 2 daughters). My son agrees on how I feel it is abuse. Lost. Help

Jul 02, 2011
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Abusive Son
by: Anonymous

This is a similar situation to mine. Trying to be kind and compassionate with the new baby only made the verbal and emotion abuse worse. I have set boundaries and am moving on with my life. My son wants nothing more to do with me or my husband, that's his choice. It's a wonder how peaceful life has become. The heartbreak is still there, but heals more with time. Good advice, if you don't speak up the abuse will most likely just accelerate.

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