20 Year Old Son Giving Orders About Me Not Seeing His Ex Girlfriend
Thank You for giving me a platform to vent. I have a 20 year old son with a recent girlfriend whom we don't welcome in our home anymore. That story will follow my sons.
The story starts with my son having a previous girlfriend whom we became very good friends with her & her family. Suddenly, his girlfriend's Mother died. We were all devastated. Especially of course the girlfriend. She became more attached to us & vice versa.
Then my son breaks up with her a few months later, much to her dismay-she was devastated. He has furiously demanded that we never speak to her, associate with her in any way shape or form. I of course could not do this as she still looks toward me as a mother figure, and for advice & a shoulder to cry on, as she is stuck helping to raise her baby sister who was 3 months old when her mom passed on.
It is in my nature to nurture, and comfort. I help everyone. Now my son who already has a mouth, is cursing and demanding us to cut all ties, even though he broke up with her. He is rude, disrespectful, curses, yells, and that's when he does speak to us.
I explained that this is our home and he is never to disrespect us under any circumstances, and while I respect his decision not to speak with his X girlfriend, he does not tell me what to do. I have 2 other children, 18 & 23, who still speak to her and hang out with her brother because they are friends. He is mad at my other kids too.
I went to lunch with the X 2 weeks ago after she called and wanted to talk, I told her she could not come over because my son was home and his girlfriend was staying over for a week as her mom has cancer and had to take a radiation pill and had to stay secluded. I also explained that it would be disrespectful to my son and his present girlfriend if she came over. WE decided to meet elsewhere.
Now he ran and told the new girl and she packed up and left and didn't answer my text as to where she was because she didn't come home at her usual time, she posted something about being hurt, on Facebook. I, not knowing this was intended for me, asked if she was ok. She ignored that.
I found out at 12 midnight that she wouldn't be staying here and that she also was angry that I went to lunch with the X- as my son puts it. She told me she doesn't want me speaking to his X either.
She then started posting that she is pregnant, on Facebook (mind you it was April 1st). So I read this disturbing message and didn't respond. 35 others responded with non-belief. She said she had no idea it was April fools day and that she took 3 pregnancy tests- 2 positive, 1 negative.
I then awoke my son and asked why she would post such a thing on FB and when was he going to tell us? He jumped up saying he was going to call and she then told him on the phone it was true (my 18 yr old heard her on the other end of the phone). Cut to 5-7 hours later after she spoke to my son.
He then said he "knew" about it, and defended her. She posted that we shouldn't believe everything you read on FB, and was rude and unapologetic about her upsetting my family. I barred her from my house.
My son is responsible for his own actions, but the girlfriend is feeding his fire also. She is 23, My Son-20. I told my son he has till after the birth of my twin grandchildren, May 7th, to leave. I cannot tolerate his attitude and disrespect.
He is completely out of control with his anger and resentment. He told me I'm choosing the X over him, and I owe him an apology. I explained that I don't speak to her often, but will not just delete her. That he is my son, and I love him, but I cannot delete people out of my life because he dates and breaks up with them.
He expects me to just pass her on the street like I don't know her. Help. I'm torn over my son. But I cannot allow him to dictate my life. He said he will never speak to us again if we continue speaking to her or her family.
I refuse to meet the new girl's parents. I don't want the same story to happen again when they break up.
Response from Dr. DeFoore
Hello, and thanks for telling your story here. Your situation is very challenging. You certainly are right that you should be able to choose who you associate with, and that no one has the right to dictate that for you.
In my 38 years of professional experience, I have rarely known of a positive outcome, however, when a parent stays in touch with an ex girlfriend/boyfriend or spouse. Some families can pull it off for a while, but it usually fades over time.
What you do is up to you, obviously. Your relationship with your son may well depend on your choice, however. No one can decide that for you. You may have to choose between the pain of losing his ex girlfriend vs. losing him. It sounds like that's what he's setting up.
No clear cut right or wrong here. The real question is, what do you want? What is the most important thing for you? You may have to find a way to love his ex from a distance, writing cards, emails, etc., but no other contact. I don't recommend deceit, however, whatever you do.
I do think it will help you to read the following page on letting go of a relationship. I also think it will help you to shift your focus to the good things in your life, as you sound pretty angry in this submission. Try the journaling techniques on this page, and I think that will also help you.
Make up your mind to work through this in a healthy way, and you can do it.
My very best to you,
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