My Relationship On The Rocks

by Anoja
(London)

Hi. I was in relationship for about one and half year and I wanted to have a family. But my boyfriend wasn't ready and somehow I got pregnant. He asked me to have an abortion. I wasn't happy about it and I didn't want to. But at the time I was with my parents and I already have a baby from a another relationship, so I didn't want to end up with two children.

So I had to have it done. I went on holiday and I met someone else. Since then I was talking to that person, but I still wasn't sure if he wanted to have a family with me, so I wasn't being serious.

After I came back, I was with my ex boyfriend as well. He knew that I was talking to someone else about two weeks after I came back. I began to realize that what I am doing wasn't good and wanted to stop but I couldn't as my ex was forcing me to have intercourse with him.

So I decided to go back to see the person who I met on holiday. I thought that I'd be able to decide what to do, and I went to spend six weeks with that person. Now I realize that's the person I want to be with, but I didn't tell him what happened before I came back.

He noticed some things and asked me to tell him. I didn't want him to know all that, because I knew he would get upset. I know what I did was wrong and after I came for the second time, I didn't cheat on him.

Now my problem is that he was ok after I told him everything, and very recently he doesn't trust me and I feel like he is ignoring me. I asked him if he wanted to break up, but he said he doesn't want to. He said he still loves me.

I love him so much because he is the only person that understands me. I love him because he loves my baby as his own and he cares. I regret what I did. I want to make it up to him, but i don't know how. I am not even thinking to be with another man. I cannot look forward to anything with out him. Please help and tell me what should I do right now and how can I gain his trust back. Please, please--I want him so much.

Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello Anoja, and thanks for telling your story here. I will try to help you, as it is clear that you really want to feel better and solve some of your relationship problems.

A couple of concerns I want to express are:

1) You are allowing yourself to be controlled in your relationships. This is subjecting you to abusive patterns--such as when you mention getting an abortion because of outside pressure, and being forced to have intercourse with your boyfriend.

2) Although you may not realize it, you may also be grieving from the loss of the baby you chose to abort. I have worked with many women who have had abortions, and each person's response is different. Many women experience a surprising amount of grief following an abortion. I suggest you use the grieving processes you find on this page to help you, if this seems right to you. If you want some more help with this unique type of grieving process, feel free to write again.

3) I think you love these boyfriends too much for your own good. You need to love yourself and take care of yourself first, and it does not appear that you are doing that.

Here is what I suggest:

1) Consider being alone for a while, and focusing on your emotional healing process.

2) Whether alone or still with your current boyfriend, I suggest you try these imagery processes for emotional healing, which will help you deal with any emotional trauma from your past.

3) Take a look also at the journaling exercises on this page, and see if any of those seems to fit for you.

You really need to shift your focus from boyfriends to yourself and your child, Anoja. You have been through a lot of trauma because of your patterns in relationships, and you really want to correct that before you do even more damage to yourself.

If your current boyfriend is healthy and really loves you, it won't hurt to stay in that relationship--but you may need to be single for a while to truly learn to put yourself and your health first. That is the only way that any relationship can be healthy and fulfilling.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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