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Why Have I Allowed Myself To Be A Victim So Long?

by Deb
(Escondido, CA USA)

I can't believe it but here I am wishing a lot of ill will on my soon to be ex. I should have left him many years ago, after all we met online...just because we got married why should he stop being online and continue to look?
Here's the story: As a divorced mother I was staying single. Went online as I had no avenue to pursue a friendship in my life. Looking for someone to share our daily experiences with preferably someone with kids.

I found Mark. He had his kids, and well, after a few get togethers he wanted to hold my hand. Things went pretty slow, then we got together.
when I met him he was in the process of wanting to build a house, so to save money he lived in a trailer outside his brother's house. I asked him to help me with the rent and move in with me.

I have my own money, job, car, well, stuff. He had a job of 7 years in a computer field. Professional, like me. Few months later, (with our 4 kids in tow I sold my condo (sold high) invested $40,000 on a new house and "stuff," and he put down his retirement of $5,000.

He bought a lot of toys on this money I had, and even paid off my engagement ring with part of it. (I think this was wrong and told him so.) Well, 6 months later he got laid off. He went to school on his VA loan to become his lifelong dream of becoming a truck driver. Well there are a lot of changes in our happy lifestyle afterwords. He left out on the road for the first time - 6 weeks. I really missed him. Well that would be the end, but it is not. He has now driven us into the ground financially, I lost my house, claimed bankruptcy, and cannot wait to get rid of this bastard.

He started going online right after we were married. Maybe 6 months. After I caught him, he said it was just a game--he "just looks." Then after he went on the road he HAD to have a computer, cell phone, blah blah blah. Well, I have given up. He is not picky; he will take anybody of any race, creed, body style, or gender I have recently found out. So now after all his explaining that they are just a game, I cannot take it.

Last Oct I filed for divorce. He went overtly online to nice websites and smutty ones. Saying he would pay for someone's flight and room-all expenses paid, he just wanted someone to say yes. He talked to a few who later turned him down.

He was trying to find someone for new years eve. Well, he never got someone, so he called me with his nice personality and asked if I would have a cup of coffee with him. JUST before Christmas. I wondered if he wanted to tell me he was getting married, or moving out of state or something outrageous. He said he missed his family. He thinks he may be going through a mid-life crisis. Well, he never got someone, and asked me. HUMPH!

We planned a beach trip. Then he ended up going to work out on the road again. Well, I told him we should see how it goes, after all I have been drawn into his beliefs before and gave him a "last chance," but that too was short lived. We then made plans for Valentines day. I decided it would not work for me as I started to really understand that I would never be able to trust him. But I thought it would be best to wait till after Valentines Day. Which I did. I told him I would not be able to. He understood. Later I was on his computer and found more websites that he has been on, requesting to hook up with men! He has been hiding this aspect of his being also did I mention this? He must be closet gay. Anyway, I researched further and found that it was just before valentines day. So he was starting again.

OK. Now the present day. A week ago Sunday he was nowhere to be found. When I asked him about it, in a rather accusing tone the following day he said it was none of my business and that I have no rights to always know where he has been. My response was that I thought we were in this unknown relationship as friends with benefits and that with all the work I have been doing for him (losing the house I had to move his items as he was out of town, I smogged his car, then went to get it fixed and registered, I gathered some tax info, helped with so many things while I was already super busy dealing with other things....all because again he was out on the road,) that I had some entitlements to know.

We had to meet the next day to notarize the divorce papers and he suggested we go to dinner on the beach. Later I asked him why he said it was for me to clear my head as I yelled at him that I now realize I will never ever trust him. EVER!

So after dinner I went home to my place, he to his. I hadn't planned on seeing him the next day as he was preparing to leave. but he kept dragging out his departure to finish his bookwork and now there was an issue over his bill taking money out of my bank (formerly an auto-pay he hadn't paid the bill so they dipped into my account. well, I don't want any of his bills.) He owns this business. I walked in an realized he is online again. THE NEXT DAY after I yelled at him! (or is it always?)

Now he left last Thursday and has been talking to some homely little gal in Mo. off the freeway he uses. I have spied on him and see that it has been about 200 minutes per day.

I see this writing has been a venting issue for me and maybe not the correct forum, however, I am mad and angry. I have been used. The bankruptcy was for everything, I live a frugal life so I do not do this. And I found out this is the third time he has claimed bankruptcy, oh boy.

Realizing I am the problem inside myself, I now know I am going through a grieving process. But it doesn't ease the pain. I know he is a loser and I was so caught up being busy for him I didn't see his true value. He hopes to claim bankruptcy again before he dies so THEY cannot screw him. When I ask who is them, he says everyone, taxes, government people in general. I disagree but he says I am just a lamb. He really is sick, but he was the guy I talked to everyday many times and now I have nothing.

But in retrospect I have everything. Mostly my health, that of my children and they are great kids. I still have my car, (same one) my job and really a lot to be thankful for. (Yes, I do see the glass half full attitude. But dang, I hate that I, me myself allowed myself to be so gullible and get sucked into a relationship of being used.

I will go through my grief process, and thank you for letting me vent....yes I do ramble, but there is so much more inside that he has done to anger me. I think I am suffering inside. No crying. No hitting. Just anger dwelling inside. Such hatred. Now it is towards myself for being used. For allowing myself to continue to be used.

Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hi Deb, and thanks for telling your story here. Your writing demonstrates perfectly the value and benefit of journaling. You go through your anger and rage very thoroughly, and end up taking responsibility. Congratulations. You are not responsible for his behavior, but you are responsible for your part of the relationship, as you know.

So, do your grieving, and use the journaling processes on this page to move through your anger and healing.

You are a smart woman. You are too smart to spend your time and energy in this type of dysfunctional relationship.

Take really good care of yourself and your children, and wait until you're feeling much healthier before getting involved with a man again.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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