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Where Did I Go Wrong?

by Bimpy
(England)

I raised my 2 kids by myself from when my son was a baby and my daughter was aged 2. I'm in a professional working role so was able to take part-time hours. I dropped them off at school and collected them again.

I did everything for them – doctor’s appointments, homework, bedtime stories, birthdays, holidays, day trips etc. Everything to do with raising kids plus holding a stressful job plus running a house.

They weren't angels growing up but they weren't devils either. My daughter should graduate next month and my son is in his second year of a Chemistry degree. He has a mate whose rich family bought him and his brothers a swish bachelor pad. My son would stay there every now and then but recently it has been weeks at a time.

When he comes back, I can't say anything to him without him getting angry and he then starts punching holes in walls and doors plus he swears at me. He's going to fail his exams because he hasn't studied but he says he's going to use me as an excuse.

When he gets violent and calls me a foul names, I ask him to leave. He says he'll say his 'bitch mum' kicked him out so he couldn't study as he was living in his car (I bought him the car). He's not been living his car, he lives in a swish bachelor pad.

He came back 3 days ago to 'study' for his last exam as his friend's house is too noisy. The exam is in 3 days. He's been watching tv and playing on his boxing equipment (also bought by me) instead of studying. I woke him up at 11.30am today, which brought on another tirade of swearing as I'd woken him up 30 mins before he wanted to wake up.

He went on to demolish his door, which I had only recently replaced (my own decision as I'm embarrassed to let anyone see what he'd done), and to demolish the expensive furniture that he'd asked me to buy.

What else am I supposed to say other than - just leave?

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May 09, 2018
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Thank You
by: Bimpy

Dear Dr. DeFoore,

Thank you for your advice, it's very much appreciated. You've nailed one suspicion on its head - I've thought he's been smoking weed with his rich 'pals' but never at home.

He had so much going for him - good uni course, he has a great singing voice, black belt in martial arts (was asked to help train the younger ones but declined), had a few roles as a tv extra + more on the horizon, a large UK shipbuilding company with which he did work experience asked him to apply for a job when he left uni.

I could go on. It's the fact that I tried my very best to ensure he was not another 'one parent family' statistic, that has made me so weary.

So, I've made no contact and realise just how peaceful it is, with just my daughter and I.

Best Regards, B

May 07, 2018
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I Think You're Right About The Only Thing To Do
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hi Bimpy, and thanks for telling your story here. I think you're right, the only thing left is to tell him to leave.

You ask in your title, "where did I go wrong?" Do not blame yourself for his bad behavior...he is totally responsible for that.

However, you are responsible for your behavior, which at times includes giving him what he wants, fixing things to avoid embarrassment, etc. Your son sound like he is acting very spoiled, and he may also be taking drugs.

Either way, the important thing now is for you to get him out of your home, so that you can live in safety and peace. There is no other way.

If he's going to get better, that will have to be his choice, and it absolutely cannot come from you. He has somehow decided that it is acceptable for him to be disrespectful and abusive to you, and it is important that you let him know that it is completely unacceptable. You won't be able to do that with him in your home.

I also suggest that you cut off communications with him, until and unless he begins treating you with respect at all times.

I hope this helps.

My best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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