What Do You Think Is Wrong With Me?
I am not very good at explaining this, but I am going to try. First of all, I don't believe too much in psychologists or any kind of stuff related to it. This is the last resource I would try to get my situation better. Yes, I am desperate. I was reading your website and other people's stories and I guess I am not such a weirdo as I thought.
I have anger problems, and I don't know how to control them. It's really hard for me to believe that anything would change by just talking to someone. It is also hard to accept it, and talk to someone about it. I am the kind of girl that always does good at sports, and has the best grades. In other words, I am successful to a great extent. This makes me feel weak. I like to talk about things, just not about this.
I have always had a strong passionate personality, but I don't hurt people. Like people say, Latin women have their temper, but it's not very funny any more. I have tons of friends. I have a good relationship with my family members (although, they are all back home and I constantly miss them, which makes me a little anxious and it makes me feel lonely). They live in Puerto Rico, my country, and I live in California. I moved here because my boyfriend wanted us to move here. Now, we live together in California. I have the job that I want. I am smart. I am doing my master's degree. I know I'm pretty, so I don't have any self esteem issues, or anything like that.
I get really pissed off at my boyfriend. We have been dating for 3 years. He gets the best out of me. There are some issues occurring between us that upset me. He is having problems with alcohol, after dealing with a painkiller addiction, and we hardly have sex. And we are only 25 years old. Neither of us is an angel. These issues frustrate me because he is not a junky. He is a good looking guy, sweet, smart, with a good job. He is the kind of guy that anyone would want to be with, if I don't think about his issues.
I believe I should be upset about the issues, but I know for a fact that I should not deal with them as I do. I yell, break things, hit him, insult him, you name it. He has hit me before, yelled and insulted me. However, I started being overly pissed off and breaking his stuff and hitting him in our relationship. He usually controls himself in that matter. But he makes fun of me while I am mad, by talking or walking away, which makes me very very angry. Sometimes, I even get too mad over things that are not worth it to get that mad about. His job requires him to be gone, out of the country for 4 to 5 days per week. When we fight, it makes me even more angry that I only have hours left to solve things that never get solved. I feel alone. I just feel like insulting him.
I feel very sad and stupid after I break stuff or I scratch him or hurt him. I feel like I am not myself when I do those kind of things. I do not think. I can't control myself. I am not a bad person. I like people. I am a teacher. I work with kids, and they love me. I don't understand why I can't just act like I act with him like I act with other people.
How can I try having more patience or doing things right if I am blinded by my anger? If I could, I would obviously do it. This doesn't make me feel happy. It's not an accomplishment. This makes me feel like there's something really wrong with me, and even with all the good characteristics I have, I can't be a good girlfriend. It's a failure.
My boyfriend says that I am perfect, that my anger problem is my only fault, but that it's a fault that he cannot live with. It makes me very sad. I do love him, and wish things could work. I just can't figure this one out. I have read about anger management. I have read about the breathing techniques. It sounds unrealistic to me. I can't even breath normal when I am in those situations. I feel like I am gonna have a heart attack, I lose my voice because I yell so loud. It might sound weird, but I feel a little better when I break stuff, just for a little bit. Then, I feel completely dumb. I also feel better when I cry. It calms me down. I feel like I need a punching bag or something to relieve all that bad energy. I don't understand what is wrong wth me?
I think the fact that I have so much energy is a problem too. When I was little, they diagnosed me with ADD. The doctor told my parents that they had to put in sports, and many physical activities to release energy. I have noticed that if I don't do exercise, I am anxious.
I did have bad boyfriend like 5 years ago. He used to be really mean, verbally abusive, and very aggressive. He had huge anger problems. Believe it or not, I was the rational one. But I was angry inside. I would never confront him, or yell at him, or insult him. I took all the abuse quietly. Something that would be impossible for me to do today. I was kind of scared of him. He was a policeman, so he had a gun. I don't know if I learned this behavior from that relationship. It ended up pretty bad. I was in a big depression after it. The guy broke up with me one month before our wedding, and married another woman. It was a difficult moment. It was very hard to overcome. Around that time, I started practicing martial arts, and punching and kicking a punching bag was such a huge relief. All my stress would be gone. Do you think it's possible that I became the aggressive one after that? How could I deal with this problem? Not too long ago, my boyfriend told me that by know he would have married me, but he is not sure...it kinda brought up all that pain from my past relationship back. I am angry and hurt for what he said knowing what I went through, and that "marriage" is a difficult subject for me, after that experience. As you can see, There's a lot of things going on. Let me know if you have any useful advice, please.
Response from Dr. DeFoore
Hello Kim, and thanks for telling your story here. I will respond in another submission, entitled, Response To Kim, due to the length (it exceeds the allowed limits).
My best to you,