We Are Hurting Each Other And I Want To Stop My Part
The Light Will Shine Through
I am a 19 year old girl in a relationship with a 24 year old guy. Here is some background about me: My parents had me when they were both 17 years old. I was raised by my very strict, unloving grandmother through the majority of my childhood.
While my parents were together, my father would abuse my mother and they split up when I was about 7. I have been physically and emotionally abused as a child until the age of 17 by my mother, father, and grandmother. I truly believe that I was not that loved as a child.
As a person, I am actually very smart. I am going to college and have a 4.0 gpa. I am driven to succeed in life. Although I did not receive much love as a child, I developed this deep love and care for all my friends and family, but the majority of them have abandoned me.
I empathize a lot with others. Before my current relationship I was in a horrible relationship with another guy where I experienced physical and emotional abuse which I created by hitting him first. I don't know why I hit him, I would just get so angry and violence was the only thing that would take the anger away.
This relationship lasted for about 2 years. Fast forward to my current situation, my boyfriend now is an amazing person. We have so much in common and he is very ambitious and driven as am I. When I first met him, he was an absolute sweetheart.
We have been together for a year now. We moved in together when we were together 6 months, and that's when it all started. I felt like I could just not control the anger in me. I would get upset at little things and I would keep pushing him so that it would escalate.
I hit him first and eventually he hit me back. He is the type to leave before things get worse, but then I go all psycho and have a tantrum and try to stop him from leaving. I feel like I am so clingy. After the first time, he started to become less sweet and more cynical.
He has a bad temper and will say horrible things to me but I do not say anything back. I love this man so much and I know he loves me too. When we don't argue, we are happy as can be but our arguments get too out of hand and eventually we hit each other.
I know that I am the cause of all this but I don't know how to stop it. I feel like there is a darkness inside of me or that I really am crazy. Our most recent argument was the worst and I'm scared that I will lose him. What can I do to change?