Wanting Revenge At My Husband's Sister

by Susan
(Newmarket)

My name is Susan and I got married to Phil who I love very much. The problem is his sister Trish. She's always bitching at my husband calling him names or going on about the way he looks and dresses and everything. It makes me so angry. I feel I want to beat the her up and teach her a lesson to not bully my husband. Sometimes she even threatens to hurt him physically. I don't know what to do about it. I tried to tell her to stop and even asked her what's wrong. Hopeless.

Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello Susan. Thanks for writing your story on this site, so that others can read and benefit. You must love your husband very much, and that's a very good thing. You don't want anyone hurting him, and that's good too. It is totally natural to want to protect the ones you love.

Of course, you want to make things better, not worse. With that in mind, here are some thoughts for you to consider:

1) The only way for this to be finally resolved is for your husband to stand up for himself. If he were your child, it would be different, but he's a grown man. It's his job to stand up to anyone who is abusive to him. If he doesn't do that, there's not much you can do about it.
2) Be sure you don't become a bully in the process of trying to stop the bully. You have a classic Victim-Persecutor-Rescuer scenario here, and you're the rescuer, at risk of becoming a perpetrator.
3) Tell your husband how much you love him, and how much it hurts you when anyone hurts him. Don't mention his sister, because that could cause him to want to defend her.
4) Make the choice in your heart and mind to believe in your husband, and trust him to handle the situation himself.
5) Meanwhile, do your best to stay out of their relationship. If you do the above (especially #3), this will help you, and it might help them as well.

I wish you all the best,

Dr. DeFoore