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Trying To Move On But Can't!

by Patricia
(Harvard, Illinois)

Dr.DeFoore:

I don't know what to do. After seeing an intervention show on TV, I realized that maybe I have an anger problem. But what do I do?

I really think I get this from my mom. She was always a very angry person and I sometimes find myself acting just like her. I don't want to end up like that. This affects my entire life and all the people around me. I have had a lot of romantic relationships, almost all ending the same way, if I think about it.


I have two beautiful kids which I take care of, and I am scared they will develop these traits. Every time I see my oldest, who is almost 9 now, do or say anything that I used to do when I was little, I get extremely mad thinking that with my authority she will not be the same as me. I don't want her to go through everything I have gone through. But I don't know how to handle it, especially if I don't know how to handle myself.

I'm tired of myself and blame a lot of people starting with my mom and dad. I am a Christian woman, who can not advance in my walk because of this. I pray to God all the time to help me with my anger, but I feel that I am not helping Him help me.

And I get angry at myself for not having any control over myself. I'm crying for help!!!!!

I am isolated. I think a lot of people notice something negative about me even though I know I have a great personality that is disturbed by this sickness. I am a hard working single mom that all I want is to please God, raise my kids to be healthy physically and EMOTIONALLY, wanting to progress and can't.

The father of my youngest, which is 10 months old, is extremely mad at me for being this way and us not being able to be together. I also blame him for being an alcoholic and preferring to be with his drinking friends than with his family. As I type all of this, I get sick to my stomach because I have not really expressed myself so clearly before. I just don't know what to do.

Please don't leave me without an answer because I have fallen into depression and I am slowly falling. Please help me! Where can I go? What can I do?? I don't have money to pay some expensive program. I need guidance. Please! I start school in the fall to start a career as a homicide detective and I'm scared my issues will destroy that like everything else. I don't understand if I'm trying so hard and really want to, why can't I?

Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello Patricia, and thanks for telling your story here. It is clear that you want help, and that's because you're good and you want much better than what has been.

You mention the influence of your mother, so let's start there.

Use this process to let go of your parents:

1) Write down all of the ways in which you are like your mom and your dad. Look at that list and ask yourself if there's any of those qualities or behaviors you want to keep. In other words, choose what you like from the list.

2) Then write down all of the ways you are different from your mom and dad. These are the things that make you unique as an individual. Look at this list, and choose what you like from it.

3) Make a third list, that includes only those things you like from the above two lists.

4) Next, picture both of your parents in front of you. Thank them both for all of the good things they've done for you, leaving nothing out. Then tell them both about the things you didn't like. Get it all out, and write it down--but picture their faces while you're writing. Now tell them, "I'm not your child any more. I'm a grown woman, and I take total responsibility for myself. It is time for me to take charge of my life and make my own decisions, without your influence." Then, when you feel a sigh of relief in your body, say "Goodbye" to them and let their images fade.

I do not suggest you say these things directly to your parents, unless that absolutely feels like the right thing to do. This is just for you.

I know this is not easy, but keep doing the above exercise, and I think you'll get some release.

Also do the three journaling processes described on this page. This will help you to review past trauma, contain your anger in a healthy way, and begin refocusing your attention in a positive direction.

If you really want to train your mind to go in a positive direction and improve your self esteem, I highly recommend this program of self esteem CDs.

If you do all of this, Patricia, you will get some good results.

Believe in yourself, and do this work for the goodness in your heart.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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