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Now Available! Dr. DeFoore's New Book GOODFINDING

To This Day I Still Want Revenge

by Anonymous

In high school, I was in a relationship with a guy 4 years older than me. Despite him being obese and graduating high school at 21, I loved him. He was my only friend. He told me to do things that were degrading, saying it would let our relationship grow. We kept his age a secret too.

Two years later, the night of my senior prom, my family found out and I had to break up with him. He begged me to take him back but my family convinced me I was better off with someone else. I entered a relationship with someone else and that's when things went downhill. He began stalking me online, saying he wished I would end up alone with a child. I took the evidence to the police and he stopped the cyber stalking.

It affected me a lot. I entered college not wanting friends or any help. I just wanted to be alone. I didn’t want to trust anyone. I have trouble sleeping sometimes.

We have Super Smash Brothers Tournaments at my campus and he goes to those. I go but I bring my boyfriend with me. I glance at his words and actions and I get sick just thinking I once loved this pathetic excuse for a human.

He works at Walmart and I went there recently with family. He followed us around the store and only spoke to my niece (who's 16) when she was by herself.

It's been 2 years since I last spoke to him. I’ve pushed away the anger and the self-pity. Now I've been wishing he ends up miserable or dies a horrible death but I know that would make me no better than him. I just want the upper hand in all of this, but do I need it? I don’t speak to him at all and I don’t wish to. Just thinking about him makes me sick to my stomach.

I want to channel this need for revenge in to something more positive. Please wish me luck.

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Mar 30, 2016
You Can Get Free Of This
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hello - Thanks for telling your story here. Your situation is difficult, but I assure you that you can move past it and let it go.

You were indeed a victim to some very bad behavior by this man. That's real and undeniable. However, if you just stop there, you'll stay afraid and angry.

You don't want to live the rest of your life thinking you were innocently victimized and hoping it never happens again.

To get the upper hand, as you stated, you'll need to take responsibility for your part in allowing this to happen.

I strongly encourage you to make a thorough list of all of the things you did that allowed this bad series of events to occur.

Be clear that I'm not suggesting that you have any responsibility at all for his actions. That's on him.

Your responsibility is in entering this relationship in the first place. Examine closely all of the reasons you chose to be with this man, and make up your mind to never repeat any of that.

And take a look at the reasons you allowed him to convince you to do things that were degrading to you.

Once you have recognized your responsibility, you're free to 1) learn from your experience, and 2) move forward with confidence that you will never allow anything like this to happen again.

Trust and believe in yourself. You deserve your full focus and attention, and that will keep you from obsessing about that man who is not worthy of your attention.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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