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This Is The Perfect Forum For These Feelings

by Lisa

I was married 15 years to a really good man, but unfortunately his family was inflicted with drug addiction, schizophrenia and his father molested the girls in my husband’s family. My husband had always been the glue to hold everyone together... he was the "normal" one out of the entire family.... he was the one with the great tech job and the one that everyone came to for money.

Our marriage disintegrated because I became so resentful of having to live with the dysfunction. At that time, my husband couldn't say "no" and didn't know how to separate himself from his family. He'd be the only one to take on the responsibility when his sister was high on meth... he'd go get her every time she was hallucinating or in jail at all hours of the night. Looking back, I understand and appreciate the fact that he was able to keep it together as much as he did and he was an upstanding guy.

I'm getting over the resentment of us not having children because we were never intimate (too many stressors and we both became numb), and I'm also almost over the notion that I wasted 15 years of my life when I should have left sooner.

But the ONE thing I'm having a difficult time with now is the fact that he's woken up and no longer enables his family to take advantage of him. I say this not because I resent that he's overcome many of his family dysfunctions, but because I paved the way for his now girlfriend. She hasn't experienced or seen the craziness I've seen...she isn't being chased with a knife from his sister (like I was).

He's cut off almost all ties with the rest of his family. AND FOR YEARS and years I had been pleading with him to pull back, not to enable or be at everyone's beckon call. I pleaded for him to focus on us and to create a life with me and a family with me. I can't help but feel bitter towards his new girlfriend knowing that I went through all the b.s. with him and now she gets to reap the benefits of his healthier lifestyle.

Ugh, this is the last hurdle to cross, but for some reason I feel like I want her to understand and know what I went through, what it was like at the time. I like her and think she's probably good for my husband, but I still feel some bitterness.

Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello Lisa, and thanks for telling your story here. I totally understand your desire to make your ex husband’s girlfriend aware of what you’ve been through. I encourage you to play that out in your mind, and see where it leaves you. Think about it from every angle, and from the perspective of everyone else involved. Then make your decision.

The best “revenge” is feeling good and having a good life. You’re already headed in that direction, because you’re glad to be out of your marriage and moving on. After letting yourself completely play out the revenge scenario in your mind several times, that desire/need will probably subside, so that you can put your focus where it will serve you best…on yourself and your own future life.

Make up your mind that you are going to use this and all of your experiences to become smarter and stronger, and you will.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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Oct 15, 2013
Thank you
by: Lisa

Thank you both for your encouraging words! I really appreciate it. Sometimes it helps to reach out...even to strangers. Thank you!

Oct 14, 2013
Thank you
by: Anonymous

Thank you Sheryl and Doctor for the encouraging words.... I know the grass may not be greener for him or her... But I guess that tinge of jealousy is still there. I will move on completely in time. The sting of it still hurts. Thanks so much for listening.

Oct 14, 2013
Moving on.........
by: Forest Nana

I cannot imagine the hell that you've gone through..bravo for sticking with it for as long as you did. But you do need to "move on". You are out of that dysfunctional marriage and contrary to what you believe now; it's probably not going to be "that great nor that healthy" in your ex's second marriage. He still carries the enabling factor and still has the dysfunctional family members.
It wouldn't hurt for you to completely disassociate yourself with that whole group of people. If branching out and moving away would help you to "begin new", then searching other options will help you not have to be seeing or interacting with them anymore. You need new friends and associates. Make a new start...don't be afraid but don't let yourself get caught up in revenge or envy of the "new wife" and what you perceive as a great life. It may seem that way for awhile, but the "stuff" is still there.
Be good to yourself...make some changes...and good luck!!

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