The "No Romance Marriage"

by George
(Grand Rapids, Michigan)

About 8 years ago, my wife decided that closeness (physical) was not desired, and with that, an already weak joint physical attraction became total.

She is a beautiful woman and is so wonderful in so many ways, I feel real guilt about my most of the time hidden anger but from time to time it surfaces and I go into a "partial" silence and cool attitude with her.


We have discussed the problem and reality is, she does love me and I do love her...but it is stilted and she admits she has no interest in the physical side of marriage.

We get along very well otherwise, have good family relationships, and enjoy each other company outside the home and in social events. But
we sleep in separate bedrooms, have no real interests in common and generally, while I watch the news shows in the evenings, she watches other programming upstairs.

I want to be close to her, but either I destroyed something in the past or some event(s) brought her interest to a halt.

Alcohol and such do not enter the picture.

Other than the aforementioned, my life is good and full. But I am angry inside because I need marital fulfillment too. I will not leave her over this, although many times I have wished I could.

I do not know how to help myself.

Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello George, and thanks for telling your story here. Your feelings make perfect sense. It is hard for anyone to be happy in a marriage without sexual intimacy, unless they have some type of personal issue that eliminates their desire.

I will not go into conjecture about the reasons your wife does not want to be intimate with you. Your desire for that closeness is completely healthy and natural, and you have every reason to want marital fulfillment with the woman you love.

I strongly recommend that you get a copy of Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples, 20th Anniversary Edition. It has a major section on "Re-romanticizing your relationship," which would be very helpful for you and your wife. The entire third section of the book is a series of exercises for enriching your marriage and creating lasting love. Read the book first yourself, to see if you like the approach and would be willing to do the exercises yourself.

I have used this process in my own marriage and with my clients, and find it to be highly sophisticated and effective if both members of a couple are willing to do the work.

Then I suggest you give the book to your wife and ask her to read it. Don't tell her what you think of it until she's read it, except for something like, "This was highly recommended to me, and I found it very interesting," or something to that effect. That way she will not feel any pressure or predisposition toward the book (ideally).

It is great that you and your wife love each other, and that you're not planning to leave her because of this issue. That says a lot about the depth of your love and commitment. I want you to consider that she has very good reasons for not wanting intimacy, although she has not chosen to share those with you, and may not even know them herself. The Hendrix book and the exercises might be enough to get you where you want to be, and you may need marriage counseling as well.

If she's willing, another option would be to try Masters and Johnson's "Sensate Focus" exercise. This is a very helpful way for couples to reconnect after they have had sexual problems. From what you have said, your wife may not be comfortable with this, but it may be something for you to do after completing some of the exercises in the Hendrix process.

My final recommendation would be for you to divert yourself from your anger by focusing on all of the things you love about your wife. Also, do your part to increase closeness by watching her programs with her, just because you want to be with her (even though the programs would not be your choice.)

Believe in yourself, your wife, and your marriage. Create a vision in your mind of what you want in your marriage, and focus on that as if it were a city to which you are traveling. Look forward to arriving.

I hope this helps, George.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore