The Monster Inside Me And The Many Phases Of My Process
My monster inside me has attacked many, many places. At the young age I am now, though, I am one that never cries or gets angry. I am proud of this because one day I will be as strong as I seem.
The monster is still there though. When I was much, much younger I am deeply ashamed to say that I self injured. I have, I'd say hundreds of scars polluting my body. I feel it's one of the first things people notice. When I am asked, I calmly say that I had a pitchfork war with my old buddy Satan, and that I got my ass handed to me.
The monster attacked my arms, my legs, and my breasts. The monster attacked my love for the world and the people in it. I feel as if I'm becoming my mother now. A sad, dull, angry, apathetic, reclusive pessimist. I do love her though, somewhere deep inside. I just do not want to become her.
The monster has even attacked her, with words. I pulled in the reigns and steered it back towards myself though. Granted, I don't deserve it either, but I do more-so than her. I am, by your chart, a level two right now because the presence of a particular person gets deep under my skin. She mopes and spits out things that are wrong but not things that are right.
I have discovered that this is why I do not outwardly display excessive amounts of negative emotion. I know how bothersome a pessimist who speaks their mind is.
Back on subject, the monster has attacked my everything, and I refuse to let it ruin anything else. With my strength I will prevail, and find my long lost ambition along the way. The ambition to help me prevail the rest of the way.
Thanks for letting me write on your site.
Response from Dr. DeFoore
Hello Andi, and thanks for telling your story here. It is clear from what you've written here that you are suppressing your emotions, at your own expense. It sounds like you've stopped cutting yourself, and I'm glad. I hope you can continue to move on from that.
Emotion absolutely must be expressed, and there are healthy, safe ways to do that. Writing is one of the best ways, so I'm glad you're writing here.
I suggest you try the following process (below) for dealing with your monster. Only use this if it feels right to you. It has been a helpful process for many people, so hopefully it will be for you.
Just a thought...if you fight the monster it will get stronger. That's why I like your idea of using your ambition to move in a different direction. The "See It Don't Be It" exercise described below is designed to help you get aligned with the positive energy of the monster, while removing all of the toxic energy. Ultimately, you will see that the monster is a sick part of you, and you will be able to heal it.
Again, only use this if it feels like a fit for you.
This is a method called, "See It, Don't Be It" which is designed for helping you to control your anger and other toxic emotions:
1) Come up with a mental picture of your monster. Keep searching for an image until you have a clear picture in your mind. Don't give up if you have trouble finding an image--just make it up in your mind if an image doesn't just pop up. Amplify it, making it larger than life. This is not you, this is your suppressed anger, pain, rage and fear all wrapped up together. This part of you has become very sick, and you will heal it. You might even want to draw a picture of it.
2) While picturing it in your mind, say this to it: "I can see that you are a part of me. I created you a long time ago, for my protection. If I let you run my life, you will destroy it, and you will keep hurting me and those around me. I'm not going to try to kill you or make you go away. You have a place here, but you're not going to be in charge any more. I'm taking over, which will keep both of us safe. I know you're strong, but your strength belongs to me, and I choose to use it for good things."
3) Notice how the image responds or changes in your mind while you say these things. Keep working with it in this way until you begin to see a healthy anger image start to emerge. Ultimately, you want to transform it into a loyal ally.
4) I also encourage you to write "from" your monster. Let it speak. Get it out on paper, for no one's eyes but yours. The journaling process on this page will help with that.
You can do this, Andi. I can tell how strong your will and spirit are, by how you write.
My very best to you,
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