The Cycle Of Depression And Anger
All my life I've suffered with depression. Growing up it was "wrong" to be depressed and was something that "Satan" put upon us. Behind my mother's back I went to a Dr. who gave me an antidepressant w/o an evaluation. My mother found out and that was the end of that.
I was depressed because I didn't have many friends and than there were some people I was not allowed to be around. Growing up I took and took and took until I could take no more and in 9th grade I let out all my anger from all the previous years. Since then, I've gone from quiet to boisterous. I cannot contain myself. I first become sad and withdrawn, I talk as little as possible as to not offend anyone. I then become depressed because I can't express myself and I feel like nobody cares.
Then I get angry and take it out on my husband, my kids, even in my driving. I yell, I say hurtful things and then I feel bad for it. I am so stressed out with so much.
I am almost 6 months pregnant and feel out of control. With my last child, 4 now, I told my OB that I was stressed out and depressed but I ended up crying when the appointment was over because all he said was, "Get some family or friends to help you." Friends say, "Everyone has marital problems." One person even began ignoring me w/o an explanation. When I asked, she said she didn't want to be around the negativity. I didn't feel like I was being negative...just expressing my life to a "friend."
Needless to say, we're not really close anymore. The people I do have around here say they're my friends but they don't offer to help me, to relieve me of my kids even for a couple of hours. My husband behaves like a kid, therefore I have a hard time respecting him. I feel like I yell at him and order him around as much as I order my kids around. I've spoken with him and told him how I need him to come home and act like an adult because I need that adult communication. He has me so stressed out along with my kids.
My famiy lives about 45 min away and they have their own problems to handle. My in-laws are elderly and cannot be depended on. I feel like I have no one. I go to a great church but I feel like I've lost there too. I just don't know what to do. I've read to stay away from your stressors but how do you stay away from your family. I have been a stay home mom for 5 yrs and just when I was ready to go back to work I find myself pregnant! I don't like the idea of putting my kids in daycare because I've worked in 3 & know how they are.
I don't trust anyone to take care of my kids & as I said, my family lives at a distance. We live in a, what I call, ghetto-plex. The people here behave like they own the place. I try to live at peace with my "neighbors" but apparently its not working. I don't talk to anyone in the neighborhood except my few "neighbors" who have proved to be back-stabbers.
I'm angry that my life has turned out the way it has. I'm stuck in a low-income, 2 bedroom, 1 bath apt. with a 3rd child on the way. My husband had an opportunity to get a higher paying job but turned it down because he doesn't like change. My kids think its funny when I tell them to stop doing something annoying or when one of them gets hurt, they laugh at each other and that makes me mad because the other one is getting mad & they start fighting.
Just today, on the way back from picking up my kid from school there was an accident & I had to take a detour which I'm not good about because I don't know the back roads. I find myself at a crossroad where I'm trying to understand where I'm at and this man in a car across the street starts screaming at me because I didn't go right away. He's screaming at me & I'm screaming at him!
I just feel like the world would be better off w/o me sometimes or maybe I should just pack a bag & walk away from everything and everyone I know and never turn back but I can't do that. I love my kids too much to do that. I love my family too much. My husband...well, I wish he'd do what he says he will do & behave like a man.
Meanwhile, I am sitting here getting depressed and angry all over again and again and again & I don't have insurance to go to a doctor. I feel stuck. I'm just at the end of my ropes! How do I cope with my kids and family and this baby due in Feb of 2011 w/o harming anyone or myself? How do I remain calm? Why am I so angry?
I just want to live in peace but I have no peace and I have no joy and I keep asking God to help me. I keep asking...and asking...I believe in God yet I am so strained in everything that sometimes I feel like walking away from my faith at times too. All my dreams and goals have gone down the drain & all I want now is to be happy...in my own home...with a happy family.
Response from Dr. DeFoore
Hello Lilly, and thanks for telling your story here. I can see that your situation is very challenging for you. The most important thing is that you do not feel like a helpless, angry victim to your circumstances. That will keep feeding your anger and making you miserable.
The alternative is to take responsibility, and I will help you with that. When you take responsibility for yourself and your situation, then you are free to make changes that will improve your life. Without taking responsibility, you will just feeling like an angry victim.
Start by doing the three journaling processes described on this page. They are all three very important, so be sure and do each of them regularly.
If you have past trauma (which we all do in some form or another), use these imagery processes for emotional healing to bring resolution and relief.
Start looking forward to good things coming your way, whether you believe they will or not. Many times, your expectations affect outcomes, and so you can increase the liklihood of what you want by imagining it.
Believe in yourself, Lilly. You can do this if you set your mind to it.
My very best to you,