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I knew it was a bad idea to continue to be intimate with my ex-boyfriend shortly after we broke up. We both knew it would not end well, yet we didn't care. All we could think about was the satisfaction we were getting now, not later. We continued on for two and a half years.
My frequent visits to his apartment did not stop when he finally came across a woman of his racial preference who acted "the race she is supposed to act". We even continued being intimate, but not without the constant "we need to stop this" speech from him every couple of weeks. He put me on an emotional yo-yo, and I went crazy. His girlfriend started leaving her personal stuff in his bathroom, and I took full advantage of it. I spit in her body oil, took her toothbrush and rubbed it around the rim of the toilet, anything to "make her pay".
The last straw came when he told me he wanted to go to Japan with his girlfriend. I found it unfair and cruel as my life was in pieces. I was jobless, "single", had parents getting divorced, and was losing a dangerous amount of weight. He had a nice job he obtained through my family connections, took a lavish trip to the destination of his choice once a year, had a pushover girlfriend who showered him with unnecessary flattery, and was in excellent health. Then it came to me, what if his old car broke down. Would he afford a Japan trip then? Only one way to find out.
I put water in his gas tank. His car didn't react quite the way I expected it too afterwords. It's like I never did anything to it, but I was too scared to "speed up the process".
A month later I found myself sleeping on the floor near his bed. When I woke up he was whispering over me saying "this never happened". We had sex the last final time. After he was done he quickly went to his computer and stated coldly "You shouldn't have spent the night. You could've woke me up before you dozed off so I could let you out." I took a glance at who he was talking to on the computer. It was his girlfriend and he was showering her with praise. "I love you sooo much." I went to the bathroom and cried my eyes out. After a good fifteen minutes I came out and was met with a cruel stare. "(name withheld) told me you put water in my gas tank." I admitted the truth. I meekly let him call me numerous names. He told me to pay the repairs it was going to cost him to fix his car, as it was finally showing signs of deterioration. I agreed and he showed me the door.
He texted me a few minutes after I drove home saying he was going to deliver my stuff. As the final emotional yo-yo he texted me again. "I think I need to own up to some of the guilt of why you did the things you did. In order for you to gain back sanity, we must end our friendship. If you truly care about getting healthy, this is the only way." He shortly came by to drop my stuff off. He then bluntly questioned why one of his possessions was missing and ordered me to search for it while he watched. "Do you want me to make you pay for that too?" he shouted as I frantically searched for it. I did not find it, and he swiftly left in anger. After a good hour of crying and calling friends, I got out my phone and deleted his number and all of our calling/text history. I blocked him on every social networking site I knew he had. I nearly wiped out the physical memory of him, I kept the pictures. I put those in a separate folder, hid the pictures so not even the thumbnails could be seen, and labeled it "Off-Limits".
It's been ten weeks since that incident, and I'm still healing. I never talked to him, saw him, or attempted to stalk him again. I consider myself "sober" and am trying my best to change my negative attitude. The last I heard from a mutual friend is that he's planning to move out of state. I hope he does this as it would stop the near panic attacks I get when I think I see his unique, beaten up car. I still treat women of his racial preference coldly whenever I come across them. I recently figured out that I may have anger problems. I never really realized it because I was never physically violent. It's a long road, and I hope I can fully enjoy my life without him soon. I promised myself I would never let myself be an "option" for another man again.
Response from Dr. DeFoore
Hello, and thanks for telling your story here. I respect your willingness to take responsibility for your actions, and your recovery. Your behavior falls into a kind of "relationship addiction" or "sex and love addiction" pattern, and it's good that you see this. It's important that you do the work on yourself to change the subconscious basis of these patterns, or you could easily find yourself repeating them.
I suggest you consider joining a SLAA (sex and love addicts anonymous) group, just to keep yourself on track. It is a very slippery slope that leads back into addictive patterns.
If you have had any personal trauma in your past, I suggest you do the journaling process described on this page, followed by this anger journaling exercise.
You really need to get to know yourself, your story, and where these patterns come from. If you don't identify the roots of the behaviors, they are very likely to occur again.
You may already know this, but you were not at all a victim in the relationship with your boyfriend. You put yourself "in harm's way" and you were harmed. Of course, you're angry at him, but that is just a distraction from where you need to be looking.
Figure out why you would dishonor yourself this much. The answer is in your personal history.
You can do this, and you can have healthy relationships in which you are loved, honored and respected for the good person that you are. It is entirely up to you to set the stage for this.
Believe in yourself and your good heart.
My very best to you,
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