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Target Of The Bully

by Deda
(Gainesville, FL)

It seems that I continually land in the way of the bully. I don't see that I intentionally choose bullies to hang around.

But intelligent, confident, folks who are used to dealing with the world by their intelligence vs. their emotion/empathy sometimes lose their way, they end up in frustration. That's when situations are easily blamed or forced on me, as I am somewhat known for functioning from emotional (empathy) viewpoints more than most.

I take time to examine and allow most people their perceived positions, personal viewpoints, and their ability to voice their thoughts. This attribute, I believe, attracts strong personalities.

When they get frustrated, somehow it always becomes my problem, my fault, my 'manipulation'. Most of the situations that I recall are situations that have caused a 'scrap' of sorts, in the end. Not that the relationships were 'over', but just that it ended with much tension and talking and hurt expressed in the end.

Most of these situations that I am talking about were times where I have had an action that was hurtful to them and have returned to apologize, or let them know that I have recognized my self centerdness. Or, I returned to let them know that I had done something I felt may have been unfair to them. I may also have pointed out that they have been unfair to me.

To avoid being taken advantage of, due to their overpowering opinions or actions, I withdraw myself a little bit. So, this I'm told is my 'passive/aggressive' action that this one person has DEMANDED that I own up to and correct. I'm told that I'm the problem with her life and where she has chosen to live, etc.

It's my sister, and it hurts. I've examined my past 'scraps' with her and the choices I've made, and I truly feel these were sincere/honest mistakes to which I've tried to make amends. I do not really feel ashamed.

I've said that this IS who I am; I'm human and I make mistakes sometimes.

So...I guess I'm doing self-assessment, after her accusation that I'm being passive-aggressive.

I'm just trying to find out 'what personality problem I have.'

Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello Deda, and thanks for telling your story here. From what you've written here, I cannot see that you have any personality problems. It seems you're making too much of your sister's diagnosis of you--as passive aggressive.

We are all passive aggressive to some extent, and you learn more about that on this page. Consider that your self assessment might be accurate, and that your sister's assessment of you is not. That is something only you can figure out.

I encourage you to focus on creating a good life for yourself, and shift your focus away from your sister. You might want to take a look at your personal boundaries, and consider "finding the distance from which you can love her." No one has the right to criticize you. Trust your self assessment, unless you have lots of people you trust telling you the same thing...then you may want to seriously consider what they're saying.

It sounds like you're a good person, and I encourage you to focus on that.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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