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Stress, Anger and Resentment

by Veronica
(Los angeles)

I have been married for 12 years we have 2 kids. I find myself lashing out at my husband. I grew up in a verbally abusive home with an angry and irritable mother. I am impatient with my spouse and sometimes I even resent him. I feel I have a problem and I'm not sure how to help myself.

I feel I am victimizing my family and I have no way of stopping the rage I feel. Just like my mom did. She was very destructive with her children. Of course I'm not as bad as she was because I'm aware of what's happening to me but still I feel that there are times when I can't control my temper.

This is not who I want to be. I want my kids to love me and have good memories of me. Sadly I wonder if I can really change. I feel l have become my mother always hating everyone and creating chaos everywhere she goes.

My kids are somewhat afraid of me because I get very impatient with them. I feel that work, bills, kids and trying to run a house leaves me completely drained and I begin to hate my life. I get upset that there is no time in the day for me. When I do have a moment to myself and I am interrupted because someone needs something I get upset. My daily routine is kids, work, home, clean, homework, dinner, kids and that's it. There are times I want to run away.

I have decided to work less which I know is very helpful because I love the way I treat my kids when I'm not not worrying about work. I have more time for them and don't feel so stressed. I know this is helpful. Yet I still have the issue of sudden anger directed at my husband or kids when they misbehave.

With my husband it's more sort of focusing on what he doesn't do rather than what he does. I like the advice of seeing yourself in a movie imagining a better reaction. Yesterday I woke up angry because my husband is not an affectionate man. There is a lack of intimacy between us that leaves me feeling sad and alone. I resent him for not connecting with me in that way.

I recently lost a loved one and he never really supported me emotionally. I controlled my anger yesterday and survived the day without lashing out. By the end of the day we had some time together and we had a good evening together I felt good about us. However I have these horrible bouts and I want to stop getting angry for everything. How do I change this behavior?

I will start a journal, but I also wonder if medications will help me? I wonder I there is a diagnosis or if I should see a psychiatrist? I want to break the cycle, but sometimes it's like I have no control over these horrible emotions. What can I do?

These negative thoughts and always feeling like life could be better, yet I know I have the best of life. My health, kids and a good man. My mother was never happy. I think I have become her. I'm 40, can I really change this?


Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello Veronica, and thanks for telling your story here. I can tell that you're having a very hard time trying to help

Sounds like you're already trying the visualization process--that is excellent! The more you use it, the better it will work for you. I also suggest you all of the exercises on this FAQ page. You will also find guidelines on how to not be like your mother on this page.

Follow all the steps Veronica, and you will get good results. Believe in yourself.
You can do this, and become the person you choose to be.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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