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Sad, Scared, And Wanting To Change

by A

I'm 26 and throughout my life since I was a child I was a victim of molestation and also verbal abuse by my parents. I was never good enough and was always led to believe I was a bad person/daughter. I blame myself a lot for the person I am today. I hate myself and at times I feel as if perhaps I'm better off dead because of the hurt I instill on others, the ones I love. I have low self esteem and I am very insecure.

Just the other day my boyfriend of 5 years left me. He said I have abused him verbally for too long and I have damaged him completely. I realized I had a problem 2 years into our relationship and I went to seek help. I went to therapy and was diagnosed with PTSD. Before the therapy I would explode, scream, yell and say mean things maybe once every 1-2 months. Every little thing irritated me and I didn't know how to handle it.

After the therapy I improved to 1-2 explosions a year. I am not saying it's ok but last year for example I felt my anxiety and my irritation getting the very best of me so to try and avoid an explosion/verbal abuse I warned my boyfriend several times to please leave me alone once I get home or if not I would blow. I told him I was feeling very stressed and my anxiety was pretty bad and I wasn't able to bring it down. I felt in a way proud of myself for acknowledging how I was feeling and for giving him several warnings. My boyfriend is a very nice guy, he likes to talk things out and never fights back or yells/disrespects me.

That day when I came home, I went directly to the bedroom to try and sleep it off or hoped that with time alone it would wear off bit by bit. My boyfriend knew I had not eaten all day so he came into the room and asked if I was hungry. I said no. He left and came back to ask me the same question 2 more times. By this point I had said no 3 times. I had begun to fall asleep on the bed when all of a sudden I am woken up to my boyfriend putting a sandwich in my face.

I blew. I did my typical screaming, yelling, name-calling. Things of course just got worse from there. Once its out, its extremely hard for me to control. I was very angry at the fact that I tried to avoid the explosion by providing several warnings earlier that day. I had asked to be left alone and I made it clear what would happen if not. I feel as if I did try to beat my problem but he didn't respect my needs.

He see's it as he was just trying to be nice and caring because he knew I hadn't eaten all day and even though I had said No 3 times he felt that I was really hungry just not telling him I was because I was angry. I know that doesn't justify my explosion but I do feel as though I did recognize the warning signs and because of that I had given him several warnings to try and avoid the blowup.

We are 2 different people. I have this anger problem and when I'm angry/irritated I need my space. I need time to cool down. He on the other hand tries to solve the issue right then and there. He doesn't like time, he wants to resolve all issues right away. I feel as though he has never respected my needs when it comes to my problem, instead he does what he thinks is best and at times that ends up making things worse. Out of 5 years he has never left me alone, never given me my space when I'd ask.

He has called me abusive several times and has made me feel like a horrible monster. Even after I went to therapy I felt and thought I had improved but it was never good enough for him. He never made me feel as if he was proud of me getting help and acknowledging I have a problem. I started to feel better about myself but he never lets me forget the monster I have been to him and always makes me feel really bad for all I've done to him.

I'd like to think I am a realistic person. I do and have always taken blame for my actions but he doesn't take any blame whatsoever. I know its not a blame game but there are 2 people in a relationship and I feel as though he has not helped me with my problem, instead pushes my buttons more. He has never made me feel worthy or that I was good enough for him.

I have always felt like damaged goods because of what I have done to him. With me knowing and accepting I have a problem I have tried to compensate and make him feel like an amazing, worthy person day in day out and I have succeeded. He has told me several times I have made him feel beyond amazing.

I don't want to be this person. He asked me if I could promise him I would never disrespect him again but I couldn't make that promise. He wants a relationship to be free and clear of fighting and wants everything to be talked about. Even if I get the slightest bit frustrated and my voice alters he starts accusing me of yelling and starts telling me I'm getting out of control. That pushes my buttons even more and I have told him that quite a few times but has never done anything to change that.

I feel as though everything is my fault, even when I've tried to avoid the problem, its still all me in the end. I don't feel he has helped me in any way with my problem.
I want to get better as soon as possible. I'm heartbroken that I have pushed him enough to leave me. I don't have insurance right now. What is the best way to overcome my issues as soon as possible?

I want to have a healthy relationship. I don't want to be this crazy, jealous person. I don't want to disrespect anyone especially the people I love the most. I need help and with also going to school I don't have much time to get outside help. Is this something I could possibly beat and overcome on my own with the help of books and CD's?? I'll take any advice you can give me. Thank you for taking your time to read this and offering your help.

Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello, and thanks for telling your story here. I can tell you're a good person, who wants her life and relationships to be better. I will try to help. You may very well be able to do the work on your own, using the exercises, books and CDs I will recommend.

I will make suggestions first for you to deal with your anger, then to help with your relationship.

To deal with your anger, start by being sure you have thoroughly reviewed your past memories of the abuse you experienced as a child and learning to shift your mental focus, using the writing exercises on this page. I know this is not easy, but it will definitely help you.

Use these imagery processes to help with your emotional healing from your past trauma. These are powerful techniques, and the more you use them, the more they will help you. I suggest you consider reading one or all three of our books (see links on left) to prepare for getting the most from the imagery techniques.

You can do this. I feel confident of that, from what you've written here. Follow my recommendations, believe in yourself, and do not give up. You will get what you're looking for.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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