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Revenge Of The "Frenemy"

by Sami

Hi I was "friends" with this girl for a long time. I say that in quotes because she was never my friend, I was her friend.

She drew me in by getting me to feel sorry for her and told me how awfully her family treated her. Her family were anti-education for women and through my influence on her I encouraged her to go to university. For several years in high school we spent time alone but I realized the friendship was one sided and she would expect me to solve her life problems on a daily basis.

I came to notice she was selfish, cruel and manipulative. She also creepily imitated everything I did from choosing the same career paths and school subjects to clothes and books and music I liked. She also had a very inflated ego and later I realized she had narcissistic traits. I'm not saying she was a narcissist but she was certainly on the spectrum.

She also seemed to have little to no empathy for others and could not forgive and harbored grudges. By this point my dad was very unwell and I was stressed out. A mutual friend disliked her and started gossiping about her and guiltily I joined in. I was 15/16 at the time. I tried to distance myself from her but she wouldn't let me not be her friend.

She had no other friends and I felt sorry for her. My grades were better than hers and perhaps she was envious because she could never congratulate me. Anyway I started to get bullied, developed major acne and home problems got worse. My grades slipped and she seemed gleeful and didn't help in anyway.

I know I wasn't a perfect friend to her but at least I tried. I also apologized for my past gossiping (even though she did the same to me but refused to admit it). I didn't realize at the time but she took my apology as invitation for revenge. I think she was also aware she could guilt-trip me.

She worked hard and got into a good college whereas my grades slipped so I went to an average college. She constantly rubbed this in, and made fun of my appearance and personality traits and family in a subtle way.

I think she would look to see how I would react and then continue with the things that affected me most. She also got me to pay for her meals when we went out claiming she was broke. On one of these occasions I paid for her meal as she said she had no money in her account. She then booked an expensive haircut in front of me. When I said it thought you had no money she said had she had some after all. The next time she asked me to pay for her food I said I'd buy her a cheap sandwich to which she looked annoyed.

She also turned many people against me. One thing she has and I lack is manipulative charm. The final straw came when I failed an exam and she couldn't keep the smirk off her face. I was depressed and seeing a counsellor, and she knew but continued.

She was very cruel to me this day in a psychological way (her major is psychology...surprise, surprise). She went too far and I told her I wanted to cut our "friendship" off. She projected her anger into me saying I'm an angry, envious person when I am neither.

She was desperate to maintain contact probably to continue the bullying. She says we could start afresh but I said no. I think she felt she had done enough revenge and was happy I was at an average college. Anyway a few years later and I have graduated from an excellent grad university. I also have a good job and she does not.

She has since restarted a smear campaign against me. I came across her Facebook profile through a mutual friend. I have to admit I feel angry she treated me like this, yet has traveled a lot and has many friends who don't know the real her. She is clever as she has carved out a reputation as a charity worker. She is trying to get into clinical psychology but has not thus far. I sincerely hope she does not.

I actually thought I had moved past my anger but I have not. I don't want to seek revenge but life does seem unfair at times. I wish I could somehow reveal her true nature to others. Hope someone can help with advice. Thanks.

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Dec 07, 2014
Live the Life You Want to Live--Free From Drama
by: Anonymous

Dear Sami, she reminds me of my group of 3 high school classmates who are terribly mean to me on various occasions. They treated me as a source of competition for grades and one of them got angry when he failed a test by a great margin while I passed by merely one mark! The funny thing is this: if they were frenemies then, they will be likely to be frenemies into adulthood too. It turned out that at a high school reunion dinner, all my predictions about them turned out to be true. Among them, I was the only one who went to graduate school and finished my PhD with funding. When they heard I was about to graduate, they tried so hard to push me into the corner by suggesting what I can do and ought to do, and said that I will not be able to do museum work because one of their aunts works at the national museum board (as if she is so free to do all these on behalf of a nephew who does not live in town or the country anymore). But the gist of all this is, frenemies excel at wanting to make your life hell, so the best strategy is to sever all ties with them.

You should not feel the need or desire to even trace what happened to that girl who tried hurting you. Some people never change, and they only have a world revolving around themselves, even if people who used to be pushed around by them matured and became wiser. I am a good example of this. My former classmates-frenemies could not push me to do what I did not want to do, and got angry, but I continued sticking by my guns, and never ever maintained any more contact after 2011 (that fateful reunion dinner). Whatever my state of life, I realized this too: just like what Dr. DeFoore said to you, your success or failure has nothing to do with them; you decide what you want for your life. By trying to be so interested in them, you allow frenemies to shape your life's success or failure. Just enjoy what life has to offer you and forget about her!

Nov 14, 2014
You Are Worth More Than This
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hi Sami

I want you to consider that you have better things to do than to focus on this person. With a fierce determination, shift your attention to your own life, your goals, your good, high integrity friends, and leave this person completely out of your awareness and your life.

I know this is easier said than done, but it's clear that you're creating a good life for yourself, and you truly have better things to do than to worry about what this person is saying about you.

I don't know if you've ever heard this quote, but it really applies here: "What other people think about me is none of my business." Your business is your vision, your values, your goals for your personal and professional development. Put your focus there.

This is really a boundary issue. You may enjoy this page on personal boundaries.

Be devoted to yourself, Sami. Make up your mind to be positive and upbeat about the good things in your life, and leave all else by the wayside.

You can do this. You will succeed.

My best,

Dr. DeFoore

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