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My name is Steve, and I have a problem in my relationship and I need help real fast, before I lose my family. The problem is my distrust and anger with my girlfriend of 8 years. We have a 7 year old daughter,
I have trust issues with my girlfriend. And It sucks. She says that I am controlling and offensive to her. I ask too many questions about what she is going to do. And where she is going. She gets upset because I get possessive with calling her to find out whats going on and how long she will be.
And now she finally blew up and said all these things that I do to upset her. To be honest it really make me feel like crap. I want the trust she use to have for me, as well as giving that trust back and the respect that she deserves from me. When we fight I always bring up past crap and the stuff that went on before.
I want to move on from that. I don't want my daughter to see us fight any more or send her to her room, just so we can fight. I tend to put my foot on my mouth a lot. I see my problem and how it's affecting my relationship. And it is not good or healthy. I don't want my girlfriend to hate me. But it seems like that's starting to happen. She said lets do counseling together. I said "No!!!!" a few times in the past. But now I see that I need some help. A lot of help.
My anger is so bad that I don't see that I am hurting the one that I love. The same with me being so controlling. I feel a little lost I guess. Right now things are okay. There Is still a little thickness in the air. But I am trying. I know I won't be fixed in one day. But I want to start to make things better. I just don't really know how or where to start.
Response from Dr. DeFoore
Hello Steve. Thanks for reaching out for help on this site. Others will read what you've written, and benefit from your story and the help you receive.
It's good that you are trying. The reason you're trying and that you want trust between you and your girlfriend is that you are a good person. You want your daughter to be safe and happy. That's why the anger and distrust bother you so much. You want to do the right thing, and you don't want to hurt the people you love--that's why you're deciding that you need a lot of help and you're willing to get it.
I want you to consider these things about trust:
1) You will never find another human being that you can trust to always do what you want them to, or to never disappoint you or let you down. No one is capable of being that for you or anyone else. We're all in the same boat there. We're all human beings, and we're going to occasionally hurt, disappoint or let down our loved ones.
2) Trust is something that begins inside you. You have to learn to trust yourself. That's what you are beginning by telling your story here. You don't trust yourself right now, because you find yourself being angry and controlling to your girlfriend. You will trust yourself more when you learn to like yourself better and when your behavior towards her improves.
3) Here is the bottom line on trust: The best you can do in trusting your girlfriend is that you will learn to trust yourself to handle whatever she says and does in a reasonable, loving manner. I know that's a tall order, but you can do it.
4) To learn to heal emotionally and love yourself as a human being, consider downloading the audio program entitled, Nurturing Your Inner Child. It will guide you through some affirmations and a visualization process that will literally teach you to love yourself.
5) Here are some basics: don't drink alcohol excessively--most of the relationship problems I have seen in my work revolve around alcoholism; exercise regularly to work off excessive tension; eat well and regularly; avoid violent movies and television; if you don't already have one, develop some type of spiritual practice, whether that is prayer, church or some type of reading or meditation.
6) Finally, and most important: write daily about what you like and appreciate about yourself, your girlfriend and your life in general. This will help with everything.
7) I also offer telephone counseling, in 50 minute sessions. Call us at 214-764-7930 to learn more or to schedule a session.
I wish you all the best in your efforts to be the good man you truly are, Steve.
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