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I have been with the same man for 5 years and we have a daughter that is just over two. My husband and I both suffer from anger issues, but only toward each other. We both hold things of the past against each other and need barely a reason to throw it in each others face. I feel that no matter how hard I try to make him happy he isn't.
I get frustrated with the lack of appreciation. I work 4 nights a week as a waitress, raise our 2 year old, keep our home, cook and clean...well pretty much everything. And he still says he works harder then me. He's a chiropractor. He never allows me access to his accounts and says I am untrustworthy with money.
Everything about me is something for him to complain about. But he tells me he loves me. I am snappy and impatient with him. I feel like I am justified, but deep down I know I am not. I can't control mood swings, I get irritable quickly. I am no longer sure of my decisions, I am not entirely sure I am the "sanest one". I need to know how to control these feelings of being inadequate and heal myself, and find out why I'm so angry. Can you help me with some books or advice for me to get on the right track?
Response from Dr. DeFoore
Hello, and thanks for your story. I like your honesty in looking at yourself. You are very open here about your self-doubt, and that is an important first step to change. You know that things are not right, and that knowing comes from your internal health and wisdom. Trust that, and you will get to where you want to be.
I wouldn't worry about who is the sanest one--let's just try to help you to feel better about yourself, then we'll take a look at the relationship.
With that in mind, I want you to forget about trying to make him happy. Not only will that not work, it will actually make things worse. All the effort you put into trying to make him happy will just add to your resentment when he's not happy. You just can't win with that approach.
You are responsible for your happiness, and he's responsible for his.
Here are some things you can do to help you get happy and feel better about yourself:
1) Write a detailed account of any abuse, neglect or abandonment you received as a child. Don't hold back or leave anything out. Try to describe every detail. This is for no one's eyes but yours, so don't worry about that. The benefit is how it will help you to revisit these memories from your present position.
2) Use the guided imagery healing processes you will find on this page to heal emotionally from the abuse you wrote about.
3) Use the journaling processes you will find described on this page to begin managing your anger more effectively on a daily basis. This will include a daily journaling process of writing from your anger and then shifting to positive journaling about the good things in you and your husband.
4) Moment by moment, day by day, every time you think of your husband, think of his positive aspects--what you like, admire, and love about him. Use this to extend the benefit of the positive journaling process above. Then, when you're ready, start telling him what you appreciate about him. The idea here is to give what you want to receive, rather than being mad that you're not getting what you want.
You asked about books. The one that I think would fit your situation the best is this one that deals with all types of anger, how to heal it, and how to improve your relationships.
I hope this helps. Above all, believe in yourself.
I wish you all the best in your healing,
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