Rage Over Slightest Disappointments
(Missisauga, Ontario, CA)
I have kept a lot of past events buried under me and I really do not think that my parents understand this part of me who thinks I have my own thoughts which need validation. In fact, every time I try to explain something I think is right, they play the trust card and my mother always goes to the extent of telling me that I don't trust them at all.
She later starts to revise old problems which have nothing to do but worsen the present situation. This leads me to think that maybe my parents are so egotistical that they won't accept any flaws pointed out by a 22 year old. It's nothing short of hypocrisy when they act so and expect me to grow into an understanding person.
I do not hold them responsible but they do not take a second into taking the blame on them. They state that I do not trust them and that I have just denied everything they have ever done for me. Wherever did that come from, I don't know. According to them, they link these 2 different worlds by the words - you said this, and it means...
For example, if I were to tell my mom that I think she/they were being very critical or incorrect about something, they would automatically think that the fact that I pointed out a flaw in them is enough to show that I don't trust them at all nor do I acknowledge their past contributions in my growing up.
I try to reason that it's not so but it only worsens the problem. Just yesterday, such another episode occurred and went down the same way, I tried to say something and my mom goes like this - finish with whatever you have to say, then you listen to what I say. I think it's a clear indication that what I have to say doesn't have to be heard or is of no importance. She even won't accept that she is being ignorant and biased and start dwelling on the past and then start to play the trust cassette over.
Later when it was almost over, she asked me if I had a solution to the problem. I told her what I think. I tried to reason with her. In the end, what I had to hear was this - Anyways, I think my answer is correct so I'm going ahead with it.
This only strengthens my point that my arguments don't have a say or any validation in the house. And as a 22 year old, when your thoughts are not considered valid, it's very very normal to become angry. It's become impossible to explain to them because of their ego that they may also require some professional help. It's equally impossible to live according to their rules, at all.
It's true, I have broken out and done the occasional "wrong" thing, things "wrong" as per their rule-book. But now, I don't think I want to live like them. Or the way they want me to. I need my right to decide for myself. I need to breakaway.
I cannot live a dull, boring life like they are, and even trying to say that to them would mean another war of them foolishly overstating how social and exciting their lives are. I think the way they are living is pathetic, by the way. If they were a part of a generation which blindly follows their parents, it's their thing. I am not one of them.
They should not expect me to grow up blindly following them. There is no life, if not for a few risks and failures. I'm ready for those. Their over-protectiveness is not ready for me to grow out of their shell.
It's safe for me to say that I definitely don't want to be like either of my parents. Maybe they've realized this and won't let this happen. Not deliberately, I trust them as much. But subconsciously, I think their egos are playing quite a bigger part and not allowing them to realize it's even happening.
I think, maybe it's an assumption or maybe reality, that my parents do not want to understand me or my thoughts because of this underlying ego until it is within the limits of their own rules formed for me. Maybe it's because subconsciously they don't want me to breakaway but to live life like them and the worst part is, they aren't even realizing it. Nor will their ego let them admit they too, like me, need help.
For example, they will deny me to go on a trip if a single female friend of mine is on it. I tried to reason with them (especially my mom) that every trip has an inherent risk of something going wrong doesn't mean that it's going to go wrong every time. I start shouting and she can't take it and starts crying. From nowhere, past issues are surfaced and the matter at hand is not solved.
I believe there is a reason for this. My parents are very over-protective of me which is causing their thoughts to be clouded by stupid, sometimes impractical, illogical fears and suspicions. I wasn't this angry before. But the fact that none of the past problems were ever solved and that my parents always take a stance that they are right and I can't do anything about it over and over and over has now built-up and with every single thing that doesn't go according to my wish, I get uncontrollable bursts of rage in which I swing from trying to moral reasoning with people to getting so angry that I say something horrible which makes them hurt and ends up with me regretting and apologizing for it.
Which is pathetic, because at the end of the matter, I'm the one saying I'm sorry instead of the person responsible for me being angry in the first place. I seriously think I need professional help and I do not believe in meditation. Meditation may keep your anger down but doesn't solve your problems. It's just a matter of time before you just lose it like you never did and do something out of turn you never thought you would or could and not only does all your meditation go down the drain, but the actions have a high chance of becoming criminal or violent.
I have forbidden myself to go meet my parents until I solve this problem of mine. I don't expect it to be anytime soon.
Response from Dr. DeFoore
Hello Arthur, and thanks for telling your story here. It sounds like you're a smart person, and you think things through carefully. That's good. I think you're right on target about your parents being overprotective, and the damage that does to you and to your relationship with them. The thing is, that's already done, so now it's up to you to act.
It also sounds like you're 22 years old and living with your parents. You're not going to be happy or able to successfully deal with your anger until you're out on your own. I've never known a capable young adult who is happy living with his/her parents, and they almost always have anger problems. Your anger is saying, "I want out of here."
That said, here are some things you can start doing right now to resolve your anger: follow all of the guidelines on this FAQ page. These are highly effective exercises, but only if you use them as directed.
Other than that, you need to take responsibility for your own life, and take charge of your living situation. You're ready to be your own boss. At 22 years of age, you don't need to be working on your relationship with your parents, you need to be developing yourself as an adult. The exercises on this page
will help you let them go emotionally.
I hope this helps you, Arthur. You are worthy of a good life. Now go and create one for yourself.
My very best to you,