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Pushy Pushy

by Dale

My fiancee thinks that I have an anger problem. The only time I ever get angry is when she keeps asking me the same questions over and over, trying to get a different response.

For instance, the other night she asked me if I thought that the bible spoke against psychics, why does God give them the gift of psychic ability. I told her I didn't know. Then she asked again, why I think that He does.

I'm usually pretty good about coming up with something, but at this time I was drawing a blank. Then she told me that I wasn't even trying. I explained to her that this was just one of those things that I didn't have the answer to. Not that the answer wasn't out there, just that I didn't have it.

So after about 15 minutes of the same, I got so frustrated that I raised my voice and used sarcasm. Do you have any words of wisdom for me/us?? Thank you so much.

Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello Dale, and thanks for asking for help here, where others may benefit as well. You ask if I have any advice for you, or for the two of you.

First, if you and she are both willing, you might want to try using these communication skills to see if you can work things out between the two of you. Only try this if you both are calm, feeling pretty good and in a good place with each other. Feel free to copy and print the instructions out for your use.

If she is not willing to try that with you, or if you try it and it doesn't work, here are some other options:

1) Try the journaling processes you will find on this page for the purpose of a.) getting your anger out, and b.) focusing on your fiancee's positive qualities. This will help you to manage your anger better when she does pursue this type of questioning.

2) Other strategies you might consider are: When she asks you a question that you don't know the answer to, or if you can feel things going wrong from the beginning, just say, "Hey, that's a great question. I'm not thinking of an answer right now--what do you think?" Or, just go over and give her a hug when she starts her questioning and say, "I sure do love you. I think it's great that you ask these questions. You really seem to like learning, and I do to. Curiosity is a wonderful thing. Let's see if we can find the answer together. It will be fun to see if we can figure this out."

3) You mentioned that you used sarcasm in your response to her. Sarcasm is never a good idea, and it can be seen as veiled anger. Be sure and let your sarcasm come out in the journaling process (see link above). You are better than that, Dale.

4) Try being friendly, supportive and positive toward your fiancee all of the time. You got engaged because of love, so get real good at showing your love.

5) As you think through the above recommendations, see if you can picture yourself staying friendly, loving and supportive of her while she's asking questions. Picture yourself going and sitting beside her, maybe holding her hand, and keeping a good feeling going while she asks.

I assure you that if you can do these things sincerely, it will work. We all need and want to be loved. If you can continue to be loving and kind to her as she asks her questions, the problem is solved.

My very best to you, Dale,

Dr. DeFoore

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