One Day At A Time, I Guess
by Lilly Ann
I'm almost 15. About a 8 months I got raped. I still dream about him. My mom didn't believe that I got raped. And now I'm scared of guys and don't trust anyone.
I used to cut or hurt myself but I stopped that and now I just stuff all my anger inside and I don't know how to handle it.
About 6 months ago I went to therapy and it didn't help. They even put me on meds, to try to help. It didn't.
Then about 3 months ago this one guy wanted to have sex...and well, I was scared to say no. (He had grabbed me before that night.) And so he got what he wanted and now I may be pregnant. (I'm 3 months late.) He won't talk to me or even look at me, and we go to the same school.
My mom is going crazy. I'm not kidding. She and her husband (my step dad) fight all the time. My parents don't live together, and never did. And my dad doesn't treat me like his other kids.
I'm so worried about my grades. And people mess with me all the time, just because they know I can't handle it and it makes me mad. I try not to show it but it does show.
All my friends moved but one, and we don't have any classes together. There are some teachers I want to hit or scream at. I can't handle this. I do try to hang out with people but they just ditch me or don't talk to me.
All I do is sit in class and read, so I won't get hurt again. I'm tired of feeling upset and angry. When I walk down the halls I don't look people in the eyes. I look at the ground and just go to the next class.
Response from Dr. DeFoore
Hello Lilly Ann, and thanks for telling your story here. You are a brave girl. Just to live in the world and go from day to day takes courage for someone who has been through what you've been through. I'm very glad you stopped hurting yourself. What happened to you was not your fault. I will say that again...what happened to you was not your fault.
You are a good person, with a good heart. It sounds like you don't have any good, healthy support around you, and I know that makes it difficult. However, I want you to consider that you have more strength and security inside you than you have ever known.
Here is what I recommend for you:
1) Start a journal, where you write your thoughts and feelings. This will help you to get some of your emotions out. You will find three different journaling exercises on this page, and I recommend you do all three.
2) Try these imagery processes for emotional healing, to see if you can give yourself some relief and comfort from the sexual trauma you've been through. If you can just imagine yourself going back to the scene of the rape, removing the rapist, and providing healing and comfort for yourself, that might really help you. I know it's only been 8 months, so if it seems too soon, then just wait until you feel ready to try this.
I hope this is helpful to you Lilly Ann. I have a strong feeling that you are a good person, with a lot to offer.
Believe in yourself, and focus on your good qualities.
And never ever give up.
My very best to you,
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