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Now She Hits Me

by TN

My wife and I have been together for 3 years. We have one son, 7 months, and she has a 4 year old daughter I've helped raise and who considers me "dad."

For the first two years, I told uncountable "white lies" to keep peace in the relationship when I could. She has been diagnosed with sexual related PTSD, Borderline Personality Disorder, and anger problems.

She sees the world as either "with" her or "against" her. There is no middle road. She has to be the "boss" of our relationship, often saying she is the "man" of the marriage.

When we fight, she often claims to do all the "work" of making the marriage work. She claims that all I want is for her to "kiss my ass," a complaint she has had previously against many men in her past.

She brings up anything I have done wrong to make me feel guilty in our arguments. She mocks and belittles me in front of friends and family. She has even made up a few scenarios where I was supposedly cheating on her.

I have had to stop her from committing suicide on at least 3 occasions. Yesterday, I didn't wake up to our sick son crying. I am a heavy sleeper, always have been.

The abuse started as soon as she woke me up. It escalated when she shoved me, I shoved back, and then she started hitting and slapping me, 5 or 6 times total.

I didn't hit back. Today was the first time I really believed I was in an abusive relationship. Is there hope for her and our marriage?

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Mar 10, 2015
No Easy Answers
by: Dr. DeFoore


I'm sorry things have gone his far in your marriage. After this much abuse and turmoil, it is hard to build trust and positive, loving connection, to say the least.

Your wife will need long-term, intensive therapy to overcome her problems, from what you've described here. I realize you have only given me a small part of the picture, so I cannot say anything definitive.

I encourage you to take full responsibility for your own part of this, TN. Most people tend to downplay their own responsibility, especially when things become abusive.

You mentioned that you pushed her, for example. That does not in any way justify her hitting you, but pushing is a form of physical aggression and can easily be seen as abusive. You have no freedom to change your wife, but total freedom to manage your own emotions and behavior.

I encourage you to seek help for yourself, as a first step. Hopefully, your wife will follow your example.

I hope you find this helpful.

My best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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