No Hope For A 26 Year Old Girl Who Is Lost And Feeling Like There Is No Way Out
First off I am going to make it short because there is a lot. My name is Vanessa. I am 26 years old, and married.
I think I am an angry person because from the time I was 2 years old until this very day, I have gone through more stuff than I believe anyone can ever deal with or think of going through. I was given up at the age of 2, bounced around from home to home from the age of 12-14(cant remember) to the age of 18 when I had enough and left my mom's house and moved to Texas.
Moving to Texas I thought was good. It got me away from my family that finds ways of making me feel like I am nothing, and has even told me so. For example--my mother would get drunk and tell me I was a mistake and I wasn't suppose to have been born.
Starting off, I didn't get angry by throwing things, or screaming or trying to do bodily harm to myself or others. It started about 7 years ago, and to this day I don't know what started it.
There are two really bad fights I can name off the top of my head that were bad. I blacked out and saw nothing. I didn't even know what I was doing.
Last night's fight with my mother-in-law was the last straw for me. I can't keep fighting with myself or anyone else. We both said some really bad things, and threw fists around, and broke things. It took my husband taking me to the ground to stop me on both fights. I know this is not normal for a person. I know people don't act like this.
Am I messed up? Do I have issues that are past helping? Am I ever going to be able to talk to anyone without getting an attitude with them for no reason? I know I am crazy. Just looking at it all is sicking.
I want to change and I try to listen to my husband and try doing what he tells me to do but there is just something inside that snaps and it comes out and there is no stopping it. Unless you drop me. And snap me out of it.
Please someone talk to me. Help me. Please.
Response from Dr. DeFoore
Hello Vanessa, and thanks for telling your story here. It sounds to me like you're a good and a very strong person, to have been through what you've been through, and still trying to get better. I will try to help you.
Your anger has a mind of its own. That's why you're feeling so out of control at times, and unable to change your reactions.
There is a process I have used with a lot of people, that has been very helpful to them. I recommend that you do these exercises, and I really think it will help you a lot. But only if you do them, not once, but repeatedly until you're getting the results you want.
Here are the steps:
1) Come up with a mental picture of your anger. Keep searching for an image until you have a clear picture in your mind. Amplify it, making it larger than life, even if it is cartoon-like. It needs to fully embody your anger, so that it is completely consumed and illustrates exactly how you feel when you're filled with rage. It can't look like you--you are much more than your anger. The image needs to be purely, completely consumed with anger. It may not resemble you at all, and it may not even be human. Keep going until you know for sure that it is accurate and really "captures" your emotion.
2) While picturing it in your mind, say this to it: "I can see that you are a part of me. I created you a long time ago, for my protection. If I let you run my life, you will destroy it. I'm not going to try to kill you or make you go away. You have a place here, but you're not going to be in charge any more. I'm taking over, which will keep both of us safe. I know you're strong, but your strength belongs to me, and I choose to use it for good things." This is the healthy, strong part of you claiming authority over the angry part of you.
3) Notice how the image responds or changes in your mind while you say these things. Keep working with it in this way until you begin to see a healthy anger image start to emerge. Ultimately, you want to transform it into a loyal ally--that's what happens when your anger is healthy.
4) Every time you start to get angry, picture this image of your anger--keep at it until you can see it clearly. This is called "See It Don't Be It," and it will help you to manage your anger.
5) Next, do the three journaling exercises on this page, to give your anger someplace to go on a regular daily basis, and to refocus your thoughts
6) Then, use these imagery processes for emotional healing, which will give you a chance to "go back" to your past experiences in your mind and bring healing and resolution.
These are powerful tools, Vanessa. Like any tools, they are useless if you don't use them. And, like any tools, the more you use them the better you will get at it, and the more you will benefit.
Believe in yourself and your ability to be the person you choose to be. You can do this.
My very best to you,