My World Fell Apart
I was raised by a single mother. My father was not around very much. He would always call my brother and I and say that he was coming to visit on a certain date. The date would come to pass and he would not show up, or even call to cancel.
To this day he still does not even know my birthday. This started a lot of anger inside myself; I felt rejected and unloved. Then, throughout school I was picked on all the time because we did not have much money and because I have red hair. By the end of high school, I had met a boyfriend, got pregnant, and married him.
Shortly after, a horrific event happened. My husband hurt my 6 week old boys, and they were taken away by the childrens aid society. This began my four year battle to try to get them back. I went through 3 family court hearings, and one criminal hearing. It took a year and a half to get supervised visits for one hour weekly. Although I was in a great deal of emotional pain, I felt strong, and confident that I would have them back. During these four years I divorced my husband. I still have not spoken to him since the day my children were taken from me.
At the end of the four years, I received news that the courts wanted to restart my family trial, because they felt that some facts were overlooked or that one of the trial judges had erred in making their decision. It was at this point that I realized that the best thing for my children was to have a family and a happy childhood, even if it could not be with me.
I put them up for adoption. That was two years ago now. Since then I have not seen my sons.
I am now in a relationship with another man. He can be very hard to read. Sometimes he acts like he cares about me, and other times its like I'm not even his friend. He is always out with his guy friends, can never commit to having dinner with me or doing anything fun. He tells me that it is not me that is the problem, it is him. Although he says these things, it is really bringing up a lot of feelings of being "unwanted" or "not good enough."
I know that these feelings are not new to me, and are not caused by this relationship alone, they are just resurfacing again from the past.
Lately, I have been really angry towards him, and just angry at life in general. I even find myself being really critical of other people, for no reason other than I am angry at my life.
Now, with that being said, I was angry as a child. I am realizing now, that it was because of things such as my dad, and being picked on.
I worked really hard in high school to get over these feelings, and I had them under control--or so I thought, until now.
How do I stop feeling anger towards circumstances in the past? How do I deal with this constant feeling of "not being good enough"?
Response from Dr. DeFoore
Hello Stephanie, and thanks for telling your story here. You have been on quite a journey, with a lot of loss, as you know. I will try to help.
I suggest you use the three journaling processes on this page. This will help you 1) review past trauma (abandonment, neglect and rejection by your father, loss of your sons) 2) direct and focus your anger in a healthy way through journaling it on a daily basis, and 3) beginning to focus your attention onto the good things and the blessings in your life.
It is also essential that you grieve the loss of your sons. I suggest you review this page on grieving and follow all of the recommended steps that seem to apply to your situation.
Your current anger will not be resolved until you deal with these underlying issues, which are substantial.
You can do this, Stephanie. Believe in yourself and the healing that comes from inside you.
My very best to you,