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My Wife Wants All Of My Attention & Hates My Family

by Wally

I live in Australia. My sister introduced me to a girl in Europe who became my wife after a year or so. As we were preparing for our wedding, I realised that my wife hates all of my family, every single one of them, even though she hasn't met most of them. She started creating arguments out of the blue. I wondered, am I blind not to see what she is seeing? Eventually, I realised that my wife is so possessive. She wants me to be hers only. If I greet a passerby or even respond with just smile, she questions why I deviated my attention away from her!

Before we got married in Europe, we attended a meeting with the priest who was going to solemnise our marriage ceremonies. He lectured both of us about marriage and family values. To my surprise, my wife asked him, with tears in her eyes, how she is supposed to cope with my big family! I wondered why she was so worried. Why would she fear them? I didn't raise the issue with her at that time as I thought once she gets to meet them, she will realise how much they all loved her.

We got married and travelled for our honeymoon. Her sister called in to say hi after about 10 days. While I spoke nicely to her sister, my wife was giving me gestures to terminate the call. I eventually did. When I asked her if she had any problems with her sister, she said no, but she just needs all my attention and all my time to be allocated to her. I thought, OK, it is our honeymoon. She could be right.

My elderly mother lived with me before we got married. I had agreed with my wife that we would move to our own new house. Of course, my mother didn't like the idea. I confronted her and said that I need to have my own life like she had hers. I asked my wife to stay away from the argument. But my mother managed to annoy my wife and the two clashed within a week after my wife moved in. Eventually, my wife decided to go back to Europe until she gets the spouse visa to come to Australia. The plan of having a new house was put on hold! On the day that my wife was about to leave, my mother clashed again with her about silly things. Since then, I haven't spoken to my mother although she is living with me in the same house!

My brothers and sisters spoke to my wife, showing support and expressing sympathy. They explained to her that my mother is elderly and needs attention. Yet, my wife clashed with every single one of them. She insulted them and managed to upset every single one of them. She put me in a position to take sides. She faked stories and exaggerated events. Yet, I thought I had to take her side because she needed me. I wisely chose to take my wife's side, although she was wrong in her accusations.

My wife was lying and faking matters about my family. Then she moved on to fake having a terminal illness, trying to get my sympathy. But her fake stories didn't add up and eventually I faced her with that. She confessed to me about lying in order to get all of my attention. I explained to her how her lies affected my emotional stability and how that affected my income adversely. I literally stopped my business, preparing for the worse. Her response was just a simple "sorry" as she hadn't realised how serious the effects were.

Anyway, the spouse visa processing took well over a year. Throughout that year, I travelled with my wife to six different countries in an extended honeymoon. When we were not travelling together, we maintained the long-distance relationship over the phone using chat applications. Sometimes, we talked for more than 20 hours per day. She wanted the line to stay open even when I went to sleep. This matter affected my ability to run my own business, too. I started losing clients and losing income. But I thought it is OK and I have to look after my wife until we live together.

The spouse visa is about to be issued in two weeks as we were informed by the visa case officer. As I am preparing for her arrival in Australia, my wife made few comments about introducing changes into my life. She wants me to realise that she needs an expensive life style. She wants expensive bedroom and expensive furniture. She wants me to sell my house and use the money to buy a brand new house. I do realise that she hate my mother and she wants me to kick her out of my house. But my mother has no where to go. I have looked after her for the last ten years and I don't want to kick her out.

I am wondering how to deal with my wife. I pampered her and I spent a little fortune on our trips over the last year. But I can't afford to keep spending more than what I earn. I do realise that my wife is so possessive. I do realise that it was unfair that my mother treated her badly. But at the same time, I don't want to lose my family either. Some of my siblings suggested to me to divorce her and move on with my life. But I love my wife and I don't want to lose her.

I want to live peacefully. I don't want to lose my wife. I don't want to lose my family. I need to live a good life. I need to work and earn the income for that. Any advice?!

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May 24, 2017
Shift Your Focus To Yourself
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hi Wally

Your wife is asking too much. Her needs and demands on you are not realistic or healthy. I know this is not the answer to your problem, however. You may already be completely aware of this.

What's missing here, Wally, is your compassionate, caring focus on yourself. You're saying you don't want to lose your wife, and you don't want to lose your family, and that makes perfect sense.

But both of those feelings have to do with a focus on others...specifically, your wife and your family.

When you shift your focus onto yourself, what do you feel? What do you really want and need here?

One consideration is that anyone who asks you to give up your relationships with other important people in your life does not have your best interest in mind. With this in mind, do you think your wife has your best interest in mind...or is she entirely self-serving?

Marriages cannot be healthy when either partner is entirely self-serving. Learn about priorities of commitment in relationships here, and that will help you to put things in perspective.

Nobody can tell you what to do about your marriage, Wally. This is a big decision, and only you can make it...whether to continue to invest in your marriage, or to move on to other possibilities.

I'm sure you will make the right decision for yourself.

Take good care of your own well being in all that you decide. That is 100% your responsibility, and nobody can do it but you.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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