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Hi Dr. DeFoore.
I would like to heal myself from tantrum that I often throw towards my boyfriend. I am from Indonesia and my boyfriend is a German. We knew each other when he made final project in my university. Because of my study we decided to take LDR (but he kept visiting me) and waited until I graduate.
The graduation came and I have the chance to go to Germany. We lived together. The first 6 months was really ok for us. There was a bit of arguing but not a big one. But after this half year I started getting easily angry when he didn't pay attention to me. It happened until the 10th month when I was in Germany.
For example when he had bad days or a headache, I always wanted to make him feel better. But when it didn't work I felt so upset. I felt like I did something to him and he didn't even care about me. He would then realize that I started getting angry, and he asked me questions like why I was angry and was it because of him or because of the weather or etc.
When he asked me this question I felt like my brain is so stimulated to think negatively. It grew so big that I can't control my anger. At this point I felt like want to hurt him with my words and I always did.
This never happened to me before that I am so angry to someone and want to hurt them. I want to find out why I threw this Tantrum to him which hurt him a lot. Like saying I didn't love him anymore, I wanted to leave Germany, or just ignored him. I want to fix this!
I think to start managing anger I need to find out why it happened. I get some ideas like:
1. It is because of my childhood. My parents were strict to me. They hit me often when I didn't do what they want (to study, or if I played too much). After they hit me I felt much hatred towards them. Our relationship now go well, but every time I remembered it it hurts! And this is the way I've grown up
2. Our relationship is insecure. I feel worry how will it continue. Because It is difficult for me to arrange to come back again to Germany.
3. It was because we were separated for 2 years and I want to be with him all time.
4. I have been physically abused when I was 16. I cover this up from my family and my friends. But my boyfriend knows about this.
I can't say whether my anger is caused by one of these reasons, mixing of some, all, or maybe other reason.
He is a very special guy. I realize that I hurt him so much. We hope that our relationship keeps going, and I know first I have to heal myself. I desperately need help to manage my emotion.
Greetings from Indonesia, Lia
Response from Dr. DeFoore
Hello Lia, and thanks for telling your story here. It sounds to me like you're a very bright woman, and you've put a lot of thought into your anger and its causes. I think that all of the causes you listed are significant, and I think I may be able to help you.
I suggest that you read and follow all of the recommendations on this FAQ page. Take this very seriously, Lia, and complete each step daily for at least 3 months. These tools will help you, if you use them.
You will find some help at FAQ #9 on how to let go of your parents emotionally. I also suggest that you read the following page about relationships: relationship advice.
You can do this, Lia. Make up your mind to become the good, healthy woman you are inside, and you will succeed.
My very best to you,
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