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My Kids Deserve Better Than This

by Corie

I have always had a short fuse, as long as I can remember, especially with those who are closest to me. Why? I don't know.

My younger siblings had to deal with my bullying growing up, and I was a terrible teenager who cussed at and name-called my mom-who did not deserve it and was always so patient and kind.

My husband has for years been a victim of my outbursts, rants, threats of leaving, name-calling etc., but for some reason keeps believing my apologies and proclaims of change. My poor mom died 2 years ago, and the absolute guilt of the way I treated her for so long and devastation of her loss still hasn't been enough of a catalyst for me to change my ways.

If anything, I'm MORE angry now that she's gone. I get so upset that I will often verbally abuse my children for messes and bed-wetting. I HATE myself afterwards, always try to apologize and explain to them that "mommy got TOO mad, and I was wrong, not you" but I end up doing the same thing within a couple days or weeks.

While I'm being abusive, it almost feels good, like a release of tension, but afterwards, it is hard to remember exactly what I said and when I do push my brain to recall--I am sick with guilt. Name-calling, threats, sarcasm, and hurtful comments spew from my mouth like a river of sewage.

Disgusting! I hate what I'm doing to my kids, and feel like I'm hurting them more than it's worth me staying around to be their mom. Weird thing is, I would NEVER let anyone else say or doing ANYTHING to my children that would hurt them, so WHY AM I, THE MAIN PERSON RESPONSIBLE FOR PROTECTING THEM AND ENHANCING THEIR LIVES HURTING THEM MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!!!

I am sobbing as I type this as the realization of the damage I have done is setting in. Can I be helped? What in the hell can I do to reverse these affects of my actions? I love my family so much I don't know what's wrong with me, why I would not completely covet, protect, and nurture these beautiful little beings that I brought into this world!

Sometimes I think the least selfish thing I could do would be to give them up, leave them all so I can't hurt them anymore. I want my kids to grow up healthy and happy, and I'm standing in the way of that. I'm so lost. Please help me.

Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello Corie, and thanks for telling your story here. What you have written here is deeply touching. I can only begin to imagine the pain and turmoil you must be feeling, when you face the reality of what you have been doing to your family.

Thank you for giving me the chance to help you and your family. I will do my very best.

You may be a person that was born with more intense emotional energy than others. I have known lots of people like that, and they're not bad people. Often they have issues with anger, however, because that is the most high energy emotion that provides the most immediate and complete form of release of the built up tension. Follow my recommendations, and you will learn to direct and express your anger in healthy ways.

I happen to know that you're a good person. The reason I know that is that you feel so absolutely miserable when you look at your behavior. Believe it or not, there are parents who abuse their children and never allow themselves to feel remorse. That's not you. You want to change, because this raging, abusive person is not who you really are.

You have some work to do, Corie, if you want to overcome these problems and become the good parent and wife you want to be. I'm telling you this because I want you to get powerfully determined to take these steps and reach your goal to stop hurting the people you love. I assure you that leaving your family would only add abandonment to the other forms of pain you've caused. That's not the answer.

I have designed and written pages on this site that are ideally suited to help good people like you to overcome their anger issues. Read the pages, and make a list of the exercises you plan to do and start doing them. Here they are:

Angry Parents
Steps to Healing Your Anger.

I would be glad to offer counseling to you as you go through this process, Corie. I offer phone and Skype video sessions for clients out of the area. Contact us to learn more about the counseling, or to schedule a 15 minute free consultation.

You can do this, Corie. Set your mind and your heart to the task before you, and make up your mind that you're going to become the good person you want to be (and who you really are, inside).

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

Comments for My Kids Deserve Better Than This

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Jul 02, 2022
I'm Guilty
by: Anonymous

I am crying as I am typing this. I feel so sad for my kids. I love my kids to bits but I have a really short fuse especially now I became a mom.

I also had postpartum depression with my first. Living so far away from my family I got no help here. I feel like I am not giving my kids the real parenting they need. I usually get mad at my eldest and forget she has ADHD ,and pretty sure I have it too...and I feel like I’m causing her additional trouble.

She is a difficult child and so she drives me nuts! Sometimes I think I am a narcissist mom. My kids deserve a better mother. I tried downloading apps about parenting skills but then I forget how to apply what I learned. I feel so useless!

Mar 20, 2022
Thank You! I Needed This
by: Anonymous

Thank you I really really needed this. Desperately searching for help and came across this. Crying as I write. Praying for everyone going through something.

Aug 29, 2019
To th author of "I Need Help"
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hi, and thanks for reaching out here. Please read Cories story again, and then read my comment below. In my comment, I provide two links to the exact type of help you need.

You're a good person, and a good mother, or you wouldn't be so concerned about your anger and hurting your children.

As you do the recommended exercises, remember your inner goodness, at all times.

Believe in yourself. You can heal your anger issues and be a loving, gentle and respect mother.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

Aug 27, 2019
I Need Help!
by: Anonymous

Everything Cory wrote describes me to a T. It’s killing me inside but I can’t control it! Sometimes I imagine just running away and leaving my 3 children (10, 4 and 3 months) with their dad so they can grow up and have a normal happy life without my anger outburst and the damage I’m causing them 😭

My 3 month old hasn’t experienced my anger yet obviously but sometimes I look at him and get so sad because I know when he gets older in the toddler years I will probably be angry with him and damage him.

As well. It makes me soooo sad! I feel suicidal because of it. Sometimes I feel like my family would be better off without me! I’m just so angry all the time and it comes over me so quickly and then after I release my anger I feel like total crap! Tension released but then the guilt is over whelming. 

I need help so bad. I’ve been dealing with this for so long. My husband is so amazing and has tried and tried to get close with me and help me in whatever way possible and all I do is push him away.

Eventually he will leave me, I know it’s already taking a toll on him and he’s getting closer to just throwing his hands up and being done. A person can only try so long before they are tired.

Aug 31, 2016
Medical Diagnosis, Anyone?
by: Stephanie

I think it'd be really helpful to suggest folks with anger issues have labs drawn and be tested for thyroid problems. My anger/anxiety/insomnia/irritability (the list goes on and on) were all related to hyperthyroidism.

I didn't exhibit any of the telltale outward appearance symptoms that most do, so it was only diagnosed 20 years after it started. I was misdiagnosed for years and told I had anger issues.

Now that my levels are normal, I am a normal person with little anger and much more tolerance. It's been liberating, finally...after half a life lived in turmoil. Just takes a simple blood test.

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