My Kids Deserve Better Than This
I have always had a short fuse, as long as I can remember, especially with those who are closest to me. Why? I don't know.
My younger siblings had to deal with my bullying growing up, and I was a terrible teenager who cussed at and name-called my mom-who did not deserve it and was always so patient and kind.
My husband has for years been a victim of my outbursts, rants, threats of leaving, name-calling etc., but for some reason keeps believing my apologies and proclaims of change. My poor mom died 2 years ago, and the absolute guilt of the way I treated her for so long and devastation of her loss still hasn't been enough of a catalyst for me to change my ways.
If anything, I'm MORE angry now that she's gone. I get so upset that I will often verbally abuse my children for messes and bed-wetting. I HATE myself afterwards, always try to apologize and explain to them that "mommy got TOO mad, and I was wrong, not you" but I end up doing the same thing within a couple days or weeks.
While I'm being abusive, it almost feels good, like a release of tension, but afterwards, it is hard to remember exactly what I said and when I do push my brain to recall--I am sick with guilt. Name-calling, threats, sarcasm, and hurtful comments spew from my mouth like a river of sewage.
Disgusting! I hate what I'm doing to my kids, and feel like I'm hurting them more than it's worth me staying around to be their mom. Weird thing is, I would NEVER let anyone else say or doing ANYTHING to my children that would hurt them, so WHY AM I, THE MAIN PERSON RESPONSIBLE FOR PROTECTING THEM AND ENHANCING THEIR LIVES HURTING THEM MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!!!
I am sobbing as I type this as the realization of the damage I have done is setting in. Can I be helped? What in the hell can I do to reverse these affects of my actions? I love my family so much I don't know what's wrong with me, why I would not completely covet, protect, and nurture these beautiful little beings that I brought into this world!
Sometimes I think the least selfish thing I could do would be to give them up, leave them all so I can't hurt them anymore. I want my kids to grow up healthy and happy, and I'm standing in the way of that. I'm so lost. Please help me.
Response from Dr. DeFoore
Hello Corie, and thanks for telling your story here. What you have written here is deeply touching. I can only begin to imagine the pain and turmoil you must be feeling, when you face the reality of what you have been doing to your family.
Thank you for giving me the chance to help you and your family. I will do my very best.
You may be a person that was born with more intense emotional energy than others. I have known lots of people like that, and they're not bad people. Often they have issues with anger, however, because that is the most high energy emotion that provides the most immediate and complete form of release of the built up tension. Follow my recommendations, and you will learn to direct and express your anger in healthy ways.
I happen to know that you're a good person. The reason I know that is that you feel so absolutely miserable when you look at your behavior. Believe it or not, there are parents who abuse their children and never allow themselves to feel remorse. That's not you. You want to change, because this raging, abusive person is not who you really are.
You have some work to do, Corie, if you want to overcome these problems and become the good parent and wife you want to be. I'm telling you this because I want you to get powerfully determined to take these steps and reach your goal to stop hurting the people you love. I assure you that leaving your family would only add abandonment to the other forms of pain you've caused. That's not the answer.
I have designed and written pages on this site that are ideally suited to help good people like you to overcome their anger issues. Read the pages, and make a list of the exercises you plan to do and start doing them. Here they are:
Steps to Healing Your Anger.
I would be glad to offer counseling to you as you go through this process, Corie. I offer phone and Skype video sessions for clients out of the area. Contact us to learn more about the counseling, or to schedule a 15 minute free consultation.
You can do this, Corie. Set your mind and your heart to the task before you, and make up your mind that you're going to become the good person you want to be (and who you really are, inside).
My very best to you,