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My Husband Just Left Because Of My Anger

by Lisa
(Orlando FL)

My husband of 6 years (together 10 years) and I separated this week because I was often angry at him, belittled him and insulted him. He endured my verbal abuse for years but it has gradually gotten worse.

We have a special needs 5 year old (recently diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder). My husband and I had terrible communication problems. He has a problem with his short term memory and ADHD which was frustrating. But nothing excuses my behavior. He was really good to me.

We tried some marriage counseling over the years and recently-but I think he was done. I was in denial about the extent of my verbal abuse and what it was doing to him and the state of our relationship until the day after he left me. My friends say I was not happy in the relationship, but I love him and miss him so much.

I apologized to my husband the day after he left. He accepted my apology. I have been in therapy for many years off and on, mostly on. I have been seeing a therapist in the past year, nearly every week. This is certainly a necessity due to trauma I experienced in childhood and adulthood (I have PTSD from the adult trauma).

I have tried many types of therapy too-EFT, hypnosis, behavioral, EMDR. I have baffled myself. My current therapist calls it anger management issues. I was abused in my first marriage, of 3 years, physically and verbally. How could I become someone who would speak in the manner I did to my husband?

I have mentioned this problem to 3 therapists over the last 10 years and asked for help. I suppose I was not in total denial, and perhaps they did not understand the magnitude of the problem. But things I tried in therapy did not change me. There was some negative modeling in my childhood.

I am indeed seeking total transformation now, which my current therapist says is possible. I hope he is right. My friends, family members, and even my husband have said that the end of the marriage is not all my fault. It is at least 75% due to my behavior, though. Friends counsel me not to be too hard on myself because it is counter-productive.

I am grieving the loss of my husband, so of course I miss him and want him back. This conflicts with what is best for him.

I really need help with this problem. I hope you can help me. It would be great if I could attend a local support group too.

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Mar 13, 2017
Your Desire To Transform Is Your Greatest Asset
by: Dr. DeFoore

Hi Lisa - The very strength of your hope and desire to change will work for you and keep you going. Now all you have to do is find the right guidance.

Your story is familiar to me. I have had many clients over the years who have struggled with their anger and who have had great difficulty finding the path to healing that they were looking for.

There is a process I can offer you that might help. I strongly encourage you to do the exercises described on this page. Do them diligently and regularly, until you start to feel some benefit.

This may or may not be enough to help you. Please continue to seek the type of anger management counseling that will help.

Believe in yourself, and never give up on your dream of being healthy and happy, Lisa. You can do it.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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