My Friends And My Sister

by Diya
(India)

Hello, I have had a lot things bothering me these past few weeks. They are greatly to do with what happened in the past. They are good memories, bad memories and sometimes memories that I wish I could change.

The first memory and problem isn't really to do with revenge it's about how I can get past this memory. A year ago I was living with a few girls in a boarding school. It was going well so far until I started to get tired of them and their jokes and all about living with them.

One day I couldn't take the jokes anymore. I was angry and annoyed. I talked to my parents about the jokes. I think I really got tired of them. The problem was my anger kind of confused my problem or what I thought was the problem. So when I talked to my parents all I could think of was a joke they made about my skin that sounded racist, but it didn't bother me.

But as soon as I told my parents they were furious and called the principal about the joke. My friends were made to look like they were the bad guys and I was the victim. Ever since that day I feel I wish I could have changed the way I acted and dealt with the problem. I feel so guilty, angry confused and most of all ashamed and embarrassed that I told the wrong problem.

I also worry what they think of me now: the girl who was a tattletale, the girl who was stupid because she didn't even know her problem, the girl who was weak and too sensitive. I really want to go and talk to them but it's been more than a year now and I fear that they will think that I still haven't moved on from it. I also don't want to talk again it feels so awkward and I think I will get confused on how to explain what happened.

The other thing was sort of connected to revenge. I have had so many fights and arguments with my sister. So many situations where I believe that she might be changing for good and be nice forever but then she becomes mean. Like for example she talks and laughs with her friends about me when I am there, she talks as if I'm stupid, and she laughs at me.

I have this anger bottled up inside of me so that whenever I remember how I felt in those certain situations I feel angry sad and depressed. I feel as though I hate my sister. So I keep feeling this emptiness in my heart because all I can think of is revenge. I want to laugh at her or do something that she did to me to make her understand how it feels. I also keep making this fantasy of my friends all laughing at her and she is feeling hurt and embarrassed inside.

So I was wondering how to stop the memories making me depressed and how to stop wanting to make revenge on her.