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When my son was 4 I was a single parent and my son had visitation with his dad. His dad had started dating a lady with two sons who were 5 and 9 1/2. My son started coming home VERY angry!. He would come into my house and start screaming and throwing himself to the floor and kicking and flailing his arms, he was also getting VERY aggressive in his preschool.
One morning, as we were getting ready for his preschool, he asked me why "Johnny" always sucked on his penis. I stopped all visitation to his dad immediately. My ex husband was living with "Johnnies" mom by this time. I assured my son that I would "fix" the problem. My ex refused to believe it happened, even going so far as to tell my son that he made it up and that he lied about it.
Long story short, the court system failed us both. They allowed my ex husband to continue visitation on the promise that "Johnny" and his older brother were NOT to be there. Well I found out that they were usually there and that my ex husband was telling my 4 year old "If you tell mom that "Johnny" was here she will take you away and you will never get to see me again.
Just a note, my ex husband is a step dad to my son, the biological father is not living in the country. So my son was constantly trying to protect his dad and lie to me. He would cry so many times telling me: I am a bad boy momma. you deserve a better boy than me. I need to die so you can get a better boy!"
I was devastated to hear this from my baby! When he was 5.5 he put a plastic bag over his head and tied it up tight and lay down on his bed. I went to check on him and immediately tried to get the bag off, my son fought me so hard. When I got it off he just sobbed that he needed to die, that he was a bad boy and didn't deserve to live.
I called the sexual abuse counsellor he was seeing and she said, "He is just looking for attention!" I went to court and told the judge that my ex was breaking the court order and he just told my ex to stop letting the kids be together. That was it!
So again a few months later I found out that the boys were together again. Again we went to court and the judge just said "well what do you expect?" I said I expect YOU to protect my son!
Nothing happened. The court order was cancelled and the boys were allowed to be together. Now my son is 10 and he can be sexually inappropriate (nothing really bad) and has aggression and anger issues, mostly towards males (young and old). If he watches a show he picks up on ANY sexual innuendo no matter how veiled and remembers and repeats anything he hears that is inappropriate, even months later.
He did take a picture of privates when he was 8.5 and showed it to a girl from his class in school. Thankfully it was really out of focus. It was dealt with immediately.
My ex says "if" my son was molested that my son instigated it. He was 4! My ex is always telling me that my son is bad. That he is just a bad kid! That my son is always behaving sexually inappropriate (the picture taking of privates was at my ex's house.)
I have never seen my son do what my ex is telling me happens. My husband and I have watched my son and we haven't seen anything! I don't know how that can be a positive environment for my son! I am scared that he will become an offender. I am told his behaviour is normal for a 10 year old boy. "They are all becoming sexual and like silly things and saying sexual words."
I am told that I am hyper sensitive to everything he does, that I am "looking" for anything that could be a warning sign. Am I obsessing on this unnecessarily? What should I do to help him get over his aggression? He has a hard time keeping friends at school.
My son knows his biological father (met once when he was 6) and my son misses him a lot but the biological father rarely contacts him. My son calls him two or three times a year. My son says he doesn't want to go to my ex for visitation but the court order says he has to until he older and can make his own choice.
Response from Dr. DeFoore
Hello Millie, and thanks for telling your story here. I can tell that this has been a long and painful journey for you. I know these types of processes can occur, because I was actually called as a professional to testify in such a case in the past, and unfortunately, the judge's ruling was just as ineffective as what you describe. Obviously, we can't change what has happened, so let's focus on how to make things better for your son now.
I don't think you're obsessing unnecessarily about this. You're a concerned mother, and you have been the only champion of your son's safety for much (or all) of his life.
I strongly encourage you to get your son into counseling, ideally family counseling. This counseling needs to be done with a focus on sexuality, sexual development and healthy sexual boundaries. This is a pretty specialized form of counseling, so I encourage you to research carefully to find the right professional for the job.
I also strongly encourage you to check out the audio program below. You can listen to free previews right away, and get your copy through download or buying the CD.
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