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My Ex-husband Has My 19 Year Old Son

by Anonymous

I've been married for 14 yrs. I got divorced about 5 yrs ago I have a son with this man. I originally lived in Canada and left to be with him in New York. I have no family here so I've been raising my kids by myself.

My ex husband appears to be extremely angry at me even though he was the one that cheated and left us. I chose not to take him back because he betrayed me by cheating. I tried to move on with my life but he seems to pop up unexpectedly, no phone calls nothing. He's told my sons a lot of horrible things about me.

My older son started to realize things were not like what he was telling him, but the youngest who is 19 now believes just about everything he tells him. After the divorce he has never kept a relationship with them except when he wants to vent or things are going wrong in his life. Then he disappears again for months at a time.

Within the last few months he has been coming by again to pick up the younger son on Friday. I've noticed my son has been disrespecting me, and his attitude has changed towards me. We recently got into an argument and I told him if he's going to keep disrespecting me he can't stay here. I called his dad and asked him to keep him for a week, and he said no.

Three days later he went to his college for the first time and picked him up. I haven't seen my son since nor will he speak to me. He had him call me on Thanksgiving and said he wanted to pick up his things. Then two days later I was contacted by his lawyer to stop the child support.

I feel he's constantly trying to break me down and I don't know why I keep my distance from him. Since our divorce I've been putting my two sons through college, feeding them, clothing them, you name it. I know my son is 19 yrs old, but I also know he's been manipulated by my ex.

I'm highly stressed out, can't figure out why he wants to keep hurting me after 5yrs of divorce.

What do I do? The more I ignore him the more vengeful he has become over the years. If I speak to him he acts nice and wants to give me things. Now he has my son and I don't know what to do. I try to have very little contact with him.

Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello, and thanks for telling your story here. I know it must be extremely painful to be separated from your son in this way.

You say, "He has my son." I want you to consider that your son is not a total victim to what is going on. As an adult, if he did not want to cooperate with your ex, he would not have to. He has himself, your ex does not "have" him. Whether he knows it or not, he can walk out the door any time he wants, and he can call you or come to see you any time he wants.

You are giving your ex too much power in your mind, and not enough to your son. I know this is hard for you, and I know that you also want to do the right thing. So, what I recommend is that you work toward letting go. This page will help: letting go of a relationship.

This may not be what you wanted to hear. I understand that. It is just not healthy for you or anyone for you to see your son as a victim to these circumstances, unless your ex is holding him against his will

It is time for you to focus on yourself and loving your self. These self esteem CDs will help, if you're interested.

Believe in yourself, and believe in your son. Every time you think of him, send him your love. He will come back to see you when he's ready.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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