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My Boyfriend's Intense Jealous Rages

by Julie

I am not sure where to start, I guess I will start here. Me and my boyfriend have been together for 18 months. About 4 months into the relationship I started seeing red flags. I guess I ignored them, but should have paid better attention.

For example, if another guy was looking at me, my boyfriend would turn to him and say something rude. It embarrassed me so bad for so long. I told him if he didn't stop that, we were done. He hasn't done that in a while.

Another one was his sister asked him if he had contacted the cable company to transfer the name on the account. He just blew up at her right in front of me. Yelling, taunting, bullying...I was shocked, but passed it off as a sibling issue.

Another red flag was his road rage. If someone cut him off or didn't let him go past them, he would (and still does) yell and swear etc. But then it usually ends there and he is back to being his usual wonderful self.

Then I started seeing that when he is tired or stressed or hungry he would just snap over everything and anything. I mean snap into a rage--like overkill for the situation. He yells, screams, (and I mean screams), swears and throws things. His whole body will just shake, and he turns beet red. He has never hit me or tried to hit me, he has never thrown anything at me or towards me.

He started screaming and yelling at me around the six month mark of our relationship. Before that I only saw it towards other people. It scared me. I am 40 yrs old, and I have never been in a relationship with anyone like this. I had no idea how to handle it or what to do. I felt sucked in, really.

He would be so sorry afterwords, and he would tell me he knows he needs help. He did go to counseling for a few months but stopped after his therapist moved her practice and he never found another one. He is basically a nice loving and giving person, but it is almost like he is two totally separate people. He can be sweet and wonderful and caring and turn evil at the drop of a hat.

I love him very much and I have been tolerant and patient to the max. He says all the time it's a work in progress, and that he can deal with it on his own and stop this behavior on his own. But he hasn't. I am at my wit's end and I don't think I can stay with him, especially since I feel it may turn physical someday.

Does it always turn physical? What is this? Is it bi-polar disorder?

Thank you,


Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello Julie, and thanks for telling your story on this site. It is good that you're reaching out for help with your relationship.

You ask if it always turns physical. Nothing is always--however, it's just not worth the risk. Your intuition is already telling you that it "may turn physical someday." Trust that. You also said you don't think you can stay with him--trust that.

You are in an abused person syndrome, and that's why you feel "sucked in." I strongly encourage you to read this page which deals with abusive relationships and how to deal with them--including when to get out.

You might also want to read this page about battered wife syndrome, and you will find some helpful information there as well.

You have to take care of yourself. If you don't, no one else will or can. There is such a thing as "healthy selfishness," and you need some of that. Put yourself first, and you won't stay with him another minute.

Believe in yourself, Julie. Keep your focus on you and what you want in life.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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