Now Available! Dr. DeFoore's New Book GOODFINDING
I met John 3 years ago. We really clicked and within a month or so of dating, made the decision to be exclusive. Over a period of 6 months thereafter, I caught him online again and also caught him sending inappropriate (read: sexual) emails to other women.
After much angst, he promised this would never happen again. We settled into a very happy, close relationship and I came to trust him again and allowed my heart to completely open up to him. Then, 18 months into what I thought was an extremely happy relationship (he claims he was totally happy too), I discovered emails on his laptop and not just any emails. These emails were soliciting men for sex.
I was devastated! We went to therapy, not enough, and believe it or not, I felt I was able to move forward with him. That's when little anger issues began to surface with me--I would take potshots at his ex-wife and children (an area I knew him to be very sensitive about). This normally would only happen when I would have too much to drink.
We fell into a cycle of me acting out in this way and him forgiving me and then a period of calm before the next eruption. 3 days before Christmas of 2010, he informed me (after I asked him directly) that he was going to his mother's home for Christmas...With his children and ex-wife! I exploded!
After all, we had discussed the holidays prior to this and had mutually agreed on how we were going to celebrate and now this? You may be incredulous about this, but we actually continued seeing each other. In an attempt to quell my anger, he thought it wise to tell me that he'd bought me a diamond engagement ring the week before Christmas.
Fast forward to today. We decided to move in together a few months ago. John bought a house. The night before I was to move (mind you, I've given notice on my apartment and am completely packed), I found out he had disclosed to his ex-wife that I have herpes (he qualified this by saying that he had given her this information many months in the past and that he has completely changed his ways now).
I moved in with him and we've been unhappy ever since. My anger is barely contained, in fact, I've lashed out at him several times listing all the things he has done to damage our relationship. At this point he says he's not sure about going forward (as if he's the one who's been seriously wounded) and doesn't think I will be able to overcome the anger I have toward him.
I feel completely broken and demoralized at this point.
Response from Dr. DeFoore
Hello, and thanks for telling your story here. It is clear that you are hurting, and having a very hard time with your relationship. I will try to help.
The first thing I want to say is that you need to address your drinking first. If there's an alcohol abuse issue, it has to be addressed before you can make any progress with anger management. Learn more about the early warning signs of alcoholism, and make a plan to get healthy with your relationship to alcohol.
If you get yourself sober or establish a moderate drinking program, try the anger management tools on this web site. These tools will help you, but only if you use them diligently.
I hope you will do these things for yourself. It takes two healthy people to create a healthy relationship.
Believe the very best of yourself, and focus on developing your most positive aspects. You can do this, if you set your mind and heart to it.
My very best to you,
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