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My Big Mouth

by Michele
(Lakewood, NJ)

I had planned for my boyfriend and I to have a wonderful weekend for his birthday. Room paid for, romantic dinner and a trip to the top of the Empire State Building.

Well, my boyfriend is recently divorced and he is very concerned about how his young son is adjusting. My boyfriend has grown step children as well. Well, his children wanted to take him out to dinner. My first question was, "Is your ex going to be there?" He said he didn't know. But his children want to take him, and I am sure the young son would want his mother to attend as well.

So now that I believe I have been patient with my boyfriend's concerns for his young son, and I have planned this wonderful weekend, I am angry that the ex-wife would still go. I am angry that the parents (my boyfriend and the ex) are prolonging the togetherness. I believe they are divorced, they should start getting the children used to the fact that they are not going to be together for the parents' functions--not the children's functions, of course.

I got so angry, that this "might" happen, I went off on my boyfriend. I called him very nasty things and told him if she (the ex) goes he might as well take her to NYC because I wasn't having it. I was so insensitive with my words, and as I was saying them, I knew it was wrong, but at that very moment, I couldn't control it. I wanted to let him know, I was not having it. Mind you I still didn't know if the ex was going or not.

Well, after he told me I was being ridiculous, I got more angry, and more nastiness came out of my mouth.

Will this ingrained false power behavior go away with help? Where do I turn?

To make a long story short, my EX BOYFRIEND told me he couldn't take my anger anymore. He has stopped talking to me. And guess what? Our weekend never happened. Instead I sat home, crying, calling him, bothering him because now I became obsesive with the phone calls. I went from crying to being angry to being numb and then the whole cycle started over again. I am ashamed and embarrassed, the last thing I would ever want to do is hurt this man. And indirectly, I was insensitive to his young boy who is getting used to a world were mommy and daddy don't live together anymore. I am such a fool.

I am not proud to admit this, but I am known for my anger and almost cheered on by people for it. It somehow gives me a sense of power to tell someone off, although all it really has done is make me look like a crazy lady and it cost me a very good man. I am devastated. I definitely sabotaged the relationship.

I always knew I had a short fuse, but I never thought I had an anger issue. I mean, where I grew up, if dinner wasn't on the table by 5:30 the table was thrown. If a light wasn't turned off, your head was smacked in the wall. Needless to say the table thrower now sits in a jail cell for aggravated assault.

I used to be a phone smasher and an object thrower, not at people...just in general. I have not done that in over 15 years.

I am almost 40 years old and I need help. Please help me.

Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello Michele, and thanks for telling your story here. I can tell you're in a lot of pain, and yet you're facing the reality of your situation. That's good, and that's the first step to change.

From what you've written it is clear that you had a lot of trauma in your childhood. I suggest you start by "telling your story" using the journaling process described on this page. Keep writing until you have told all of the stories, understanding that no one has to read what you've written. This is just for you.

Use these imagery processes for emotional healing, to bring resolution to your past trauma.

When you start feeling some relief from the above processes, start this the positive journaling process, to shift your focus to what is good, right and working in your life. This positive mental attitude training is so very important, Michele. It is an antidote to anger, since anger results from looking at what you don't like, and with this exercise you will be looking at what you like in yourself and the world around you. Keep in mind that you may not be at all open to the positive until you have used and benefited from the above healing processes.

You're a good person, Michele, and that's why the anger bothers you so much. That's why you're so frustrated with yourself for how you acted. You know you're better than that.

Focus on the goodness inside you, and take very good care of yourself, body, mind and spirit.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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